arebe

So I'm sitting there in my bed reading a book when all of the sudden for no apparent reason *BAM* this INTENSE horrible thought pops into my head of me being stabbed with a pencil in the eye. The thought is so vivid that I cringe. It's so vivid that I can actually feel the pain and what it's like to be stabbed in the eye. Then after the initial shock/pain feeling I get horrible panicked and anxiety ridden feelings.

I never had anything like this until I started taking zyprexa last August. It was a month or so before I had my first "stab" of thought. It hasn't just been pencil stabs the whole time either, it just started as pencil stabs. It's changed from stabs to paper cuts to my eye, being stabbed in the genitals, and numerous other "stabbing" thoughts. I want to emphasize that when the thoughts popped in there it was like I was being stabbed at that very moment accompanied by "phantom pain" (I could literally feel agonizing physical discomfort). Since this starting happening I feel a certain level of discomfort and anxiety whenever I look at a pencil or a book or anything that "triggers" the memory of the horrible thought intrusions.

I stopped taking the zyprexa a week and a half ago, I'm not taking any medication at the moment. I was taking the zyprexa for (supposed) schizophrenia (My doctor never diagnosed me though, which is strange that he would give me medicine with no diagnosis). I read a book on schizophrenia and became paranoid/and starting "hearing" my own thoughts and "hearing" voices of my friends and also music (It's mostly music that I "hear" now). Perhaps I've always thought this way and just never noticed until I read that book. I've always heard music in my head, meaning I can easily think of a song and "hear" that song playing in my head. I don't actually hear these things like the way you hear actual real sounds, I hear these things within my mind, so I don't know if that's an indication of schizophrenia or not. I always imagine and "hear" the voices of my friends and coworkers and how they would react to certain situations, I daydream alot. So whether or not I'm schizophrenic or not is anyone's guess(a CAT scan showed that I have a dilated ventrical in my brain though ), but what tops everything (and what makes my life living hell) are the stabbing thoughts. They have subsided considerably since I stopped the zyprexa but I still have some residual symptoms. Will this continue to improve? Does this even sound like OCD or something a little more serious? When I tried to tell this to my doctor he tried to give me some symbolic bull**** about the whole thing, like what the pencil represented and so forth then he just increased my medication. Poofeathers! Hope someone can shed a little light.