BlueSprite555

No you're not along...7 years ago (I can't believe it's been that long) I had horrible horrible OCD like the kind you have. I thought I was ruined…like I was “psycho” and a sociopath and it was hell, pure hell. So I thought I was defective and dangerous and the only way to be sure that those around me were safe was to kill myself. So I attempted suicide. I don’t know how or why, but after I took tons and tons of pills, a voice came to me and said “you don’t have to do this.” I know it sounds corny and all, but that’s how it came to me and I called 911 just in time. I was probably on my way out too but luckily I called in time…I was hospitalized for 3 days because I took so much aspirin and other drugs, and I had this tunnel hearing and ringing in my ears for days. On about the third day at the hospital, a psychiatrist was sent to visit with me. I thought “oh no, it’s all over now, I can’t believe this…I am crazy!” Anyway, the psychiatrist asked me “why, why did I do this?” And for the first time in my LIFE I told someone what was going on with me inside, how I thought I was crazy and hopeless….and you know what? He actually felt bad for me and for how alone I was. I was shocked, I thought he musn’t realize what a danger I was! Anyway, so I checked into an institution because I was still on suicide watch. I was terrified and given Luvox to help. They told me I had OCD and major depression. I told them about my abusive childhood, my abusive mother, and all the pain I had been through. I cried for 2 weeks…but the point of this story is….I learned a lot about my OCD and where it was coming from. I learned that those of us (and there are a lot), who have these kinds of obsessive thoughts are usually suppressing a lot of anger, and that we have never learned to recognize it nor less express it. So it shows itself in these thoughts. Emotions won’t just go away, and when you don’t deal with them, they pop up in our minds and come out of seemingly nowhere! I say seemingly because there is ALWAYS a reason why they are coming up…you may not even recognize why or how, but over time and with therapy you will. For the short term, medication helped me…I took Luvox for about a year…it helped me through the super-rough times. But for the last 6 years I haven’t been on a thing, and through therapy and a lot of tough work, hardly EVER have obsessive thoughts. It can and will get better! You have to get help though, and find a GOOD therapist ‘cause not all of them are good…and you have to do most of the work yourself. Take care and know you’re not alone!! This kind of OCD is actually very common but most people are AFRAID to admit it!

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