friendlione

Henrik:
I can totally relate.
I used to "hear" a voice asking me "what are you laughing at", or "why are you smiling" EVERY time I was happy or amused, the whole time I was growing up.
If I saw myself smiling, in a mirror, I would have the same thoughts. Then I would shut down, wondering why I was happy, as if I had no right to be.

I suggest that you realize that words and situations stick in our minds. They may get buried, but they don't just disappear. But you can add some new words of your own, memorize them, and repeat them until they crowd out the bad ones. That is what I did. I wrote the truth down and read it aloud over and over.

I don't think it is obsession as much as that what you experienced had that huge of an impact on you.
It tore you down terribly. Memorize some new words to say to yourself EVERY time you get that old message. Say this, "I am as good as anyone else, I deserve to have my own happiness, to laugh and feel good". Retrain your mind. Obsess on the NEW and TRUTHFUL words, and the old will fade, I promise.

I never understood where the problem had come from until I was grown up. Then one day I showed my brother my new driver's license picture, and he said, there you are with that smirk on your face. I asked him what he meant (I had smiled for the picture, so that I would look pleasant).

He told me that he was very jealous when I was born, and he always thought that I thought I had one up on him, or something. He told me that he thought I was always smirking at him. So, he told me, he would ask me what I was smiling at.

I then told him, "so YOU are where that came from!", and I told him how I heard that in my head every time I was happy or laughed or smiled, and then I would feel bad, and wonder, "yeah, what AM I smiling about?"
He really apolegized.

It made sense finally. I also realize that I have an excessive desire to please others, and this is self-destructive. It also made me self-centered because I was always worried about what others thought and myself. Now I try to practice just being real, and others dislike it they can say so, but also can stay away from me if they can't accpet me as I am.

You have a perfect right to feel good!

__________________
~Friend~