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Old 08-08-2010, 06:17 PM   #1
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alex893 HB User
Question Rocd help PLEASE

I can relate to everything everyone has said about rocd here. i just need help. my brain is constantly questioning if i love her or not.

guys i really need help this is the love of my life she is like perfect well nobody is perfect but she is perfect for me. i wish ocd would have attatched itself to something else instead of her.
everytime i get these bad thoughts which is all the time i have to run my hand through my with only 4 fingers(not 5 or i will have to do it again) and clear my throat and sing a song and look up at the sky. but beforre i do that i have to touch my eye with 4 fingers. i dont know why but 4 is a good number and so is 2 i have to avoid using certain numbers i dont know why.

i also have to avoid usiong certain colors such as red. red to me means like blood or anger. i hate the color blue i have to avoid using blue objects because to me blue means sadness.

i dont know why im saying all this but it makes me feel a little better. i have to do like nightly rituals before i go to bed. I have to do them just right or i will have to start all over and do it again. it could take anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour and a half. those are just the ones at night i do ritual things in the shower when im taking off my shoes when i go outside ect.

ive been doing these rituals and stuff since i was like 11 or 12. but anyways back to the rocd

i constantly worry and fear that i will lose her, that i dont love her, that what if we are just better off friends, stuff like that. it feels like it is getting worse by the week.

sometimes its wierd my ocd like moves. it goes from me worrying that i dont love her to me worrying like what if she doesnt love me or what if she likes someone else. it doesnt stay like that for very long but it definatly moves and i can feel love for her again when it does.

one of my worries turned into an obsession for a while i think.
it was what if i wanted another certain person. i even had a dream about the obsession.

i was at the movies with my loved one and i think i saw the other person and i got bad worries and thoughts and stuff (do they call that a "spike"?)
i was worried that whole night. eventually the fear became less scary and eventually i saw that person again and i looked and i said "ha. yeah right"

ever since then i havent really worried about loving someone else. its like i exposed myself to that fear that i wanted that person and it got better

but it still feels like its getting worse i feel numb i just want to feel love and stop doing these rituals and stuff.
my ocd is bad right now it keeps telling me that i dont love and i dont wanna see her but when i do see her i always have a good time and i miss her when i get home.

i always tend to see the negative qualities in her now. i keep thinking shes ugly or fat and when before ocd arrived i didnt think that at all. whenever we cuddle or kiss im always checking to see if i feel any sparks or anything. sometimes i do feel but not when im checking if i do or not.

when this ocd thing started i would begin researching and researching and getting reassurance. i dont usually get reassurance anymore even if i do say its just ocd.



but is ocd really THIS powerful?

guys i need help advice anything i am shaking even as i type this out.
i just want to feel love again


thanks

 
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Old 08-08-2010, 06:19 PM   #2
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alex893 HB User
Re: Rocd help PLEASE

also i just wanted to say this;

one day i was hanging out with my friends and a thought came into my head.

"what if i was gay"?

the thougtb stuck with me for a while and really made me worry allot. like what if i wanted guys instead? really wierd i dont know why i worried about that.

anyways thanks if you clicked on this thread

 
Old 08-09-2010, 09:26 AM   #3
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recovering HB User
Re: Rocd help PLEASE

Quote:
Originally Posted by alex893 View Post
also i just wanted to say this;

one day i was hanging out with my friends and a thought came into my head.

"what if i was gay"?

the thougtb stuck with me for a while and really made me worry allot. like what if i wanted guys instead? really wierd i dont know why i worried about that.

anyways thanks if you clicked on this thread
Hi Alex,

Before I knew of ocd/rocd I went through the "what if i was gay" thing too. Unfortunately I went through it for about 20 years, Ugghh.

I saw a good friend of mine yesterday and he's in a fairly new relationship. He has told us how much he loves his girlfriend but suddenly he's questioning everything. He said that his girlfriend told him "you just want everything to be perfect." I said "like in the movies?" He giggled and said "yeah." I felt so bad for him after reading all of these boards, I wonder if he knows most likely he has rocd. I'm glad I can be there to give a different perspective than other friends might give. My husband and I explained that relationships aren't perfect "like in the movies" and that he needs to accept her the way she is, with all of her flaws. I know for a fact that he loves her; I guess the only thing I can do is reassure him of that. My rocd makes me think my husband is a cheater. I hang on every word as proof or confirmation that its so. I didn't realize how bad I was treating him so now I'm doing my best to not see him as the monster that my mind chooses to make him out to be. I can't believe he's tolerated my behavior and he still loves me so much. That means so much to me. I've also had the bestfriend anyone could have; she's also listened to me for the last 20 years and also reassured me that my husband wasn't cheating on me; she's been such a huge support everytime I have a complaint about anything. I love her so much. She fought cancer and won but she thinks now that it may have come back. Ugghh!

Alex, I think the tough part is not knowing if its rocd or not. You have to know that its just rocd. I would recommend that when you are feeling totally in love with her; commit yourself to knowing that you may feel rocd creep up again so you can remind yourself that its rocd. Stop the rituals it will help too. You can fight this! It's mind over matter.

 
Old 08-13-2010, 06:43 PM   #4
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alex893 HB User
Re: Rocd help PLEASE

I know it is rocd, but my brain questions if ocd is really that powerful. Like can ocd really make you think and feel all these negative thoughts and emotions?

 
Old 08-14-2010, 10:01 AM   #5
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kmillers HB User
Re: Rocd help PLEASE

alex, it sounds like you are really having a hard time with this. I wish I knew how to tell you something that would really help, but all i can say is that it really really sounds like you are having such strong anxiety about this, and it definitely sounds like rocd. I really hope that you are doing better since posting that.

P.S. I used to worry about being lesbian as a little kid... i guess anything to worry about is fair game!

I was wondering if you are open with your gf about how you feel? I told my boyfriend everything, and he just said he wants me to be happy... that took a bunch of weight off of my shoulders and reinforced the fact that he is amazing in my head.

Good luck!

 
Old 08-27-2010, 12:15 PM   #6
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childofgod86 HB User
Re: Rocd help PLEASE

Hi there alex,

I went through the EXACT same thing you are going through. I got into a relationship that i had pursued for months, and when we finally ended up together it wasn't long after that that i began having severe ROCD. I started wondering all the time why i wasn't happier being with her, i was constantly trying to test myself and ask myself "are you really happy with her?", or "do you really love her".

Everytime we spent time together my mind was always analyzing everything she said or did and asking me questions like "do i like it when she acts that way?" or "does it annoy me that she's like this?". It drove me crazy and i was always crushed by a constant feeling of guilt for being a bad boyfriend or for thinking such terrible things about the person that i loved so much.

In the end, i decided i needed to end the relationship because i wasn't in a good place to be committing to something that serious when i needed to make myself better. I don't want to scare you by making you think that breaking up is the only solution. It just seemed to work for me at the time. It was easier to manage the stress without the burden of a committed relationship.

All the best to you my friend. God be with you!

 
Old 09-04-2010, 07:03 AM   #7
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facethefear HB User
Re: Rocd help PLEASE

The sad thing is relief can come from breaking up, but it is only relief from the mind. You will do this in every relationship. Guys please do not throw good relationships away because of this. I am recovering from ROCD and it is worth it.
xx

 
Old 09-09-2010, 12:22 AM   #8
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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cherry85 HB User
Re: Rocd help PLEASE

Quote:
Originally Posted by facethefear View Post
The sad thing is relief can come from breaking up, but it is only relief from the mind. You will do this in every relationship. Guys please do not throw good relationships away because of this. I am recovering from ROCD and it is worth it.
xx
How did you manage to recover? I can feel better and relaxed at times, mostly when I forget to think about it, but still... when the doubts and the stress comes back I feel like it's never going to end. the therapist helps.. but it's almost five months now since it all started and I feel like it's enough.. I'm not going to break up because I know that I love my guy, but it's all very difficult when it should be just...you know.. happy

 
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