rush-rulz

Some of the OCD behaviors sound familiar to me. I know everyone gets anxiety about whether they left the stove on, and that's not OCD. But, well, lemme tell ya a few things I do (besides the nail biting described in a previous post, which is really just C):

I check the closets each night to see if there's someone in there before going to bed. I say the same prayer, word for word, even though it became meaningless ages ago (and much of it already was). I don't think I believe bad things will happen if I leave someone out, but I worry about it, like I'd feel bad if something happened and I hadn't included them. Before turning out the light, I check a certain number of my times to make sure no one's there (I guess that's what I'm looking for) by turning my head back and forth. That certain number of times is 7 total, 3 variations (3+3+1). I sometimes worry about inanimate objects having feelings (not really an OCD problem, I guess), like if someone drops an object out a 10-story window, I feel bad for it, like it was hurt. I got around this somewhat by deciding that objects aren't hurt by things they're intended for (heat doesn't hurt a frying pan, for example). Also probably not OCD-ish, I occasionally hit myself in the head really hard when I make a mistake. I don't delete whole sentences when I make a mistake, but sometimes I delete the whole word--not because it's not "right" but because it's a kind of punishment for making the mistake.

I guess there are some other issues at work, huh? I was depressed as a teenager but got over it. If punishing myself is depressive, then it's all that's left.

Here's one reason why the otherwise OCD behaviors probably aren't: If I can't do them, like if someone stays the night, it doesn't bother me. It occurs to me the next night that I hadn't done those things. But I can't _not_ do them when I'm alone. I don't try. If I leave something out, I go back and repeat from there. 'Course, this may just be routine with a capital R? Like, I do it so much a certain way I'm in a rut? I've changed the script before, but changing it that first time feels odd.