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Old 08-09-2010, 11:45 AM   #1
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recovering HB User
Realization

I thought that I only had rocd because I didn't seem to have other compulsions. Then I thought back to when I was younger, just after my son was born. I remember being worried about him getting contaminated; I wanted to put him in a bubble. It drove me nuts when someone would kiss him on the head and I could smell their perfume on him or their slobbers and bad breath from their mouths touching his head so I would always clean him off. I remember praying all day, even when I was out I would pray in my mind so no one would hear, I vaguely remember tapping my foot before getting into bed, and trying to get my steps even before stepping over a crack in the sidewalk, I went through a cleaning phase because I worried that people would think I was dirty. When I had an inside dog I would go back to check the stove, toaster and iron because I was afraid I'd burn the house down and he'd have no way out. I thought I had a really bad memory because I could never remember if I had checked or not; I thought that once I got into the house I got distracted and forgot so I'd have to go back. I even remember leaving work on my lunch break to check because I couldn't remember if I turned everything off and I lived 30 miles away from work. There was a time when I would get home and disarm our house alarm but make my husband check the whole house to make sure no one got in. I even had to check the cupboards, under the bed, behind the clothes in the closet, behind the couches and drapes. Even if I walked out of the house for a few minutes to my driveway, if the door was unlocked I'd have to check the house to make sure no one got in. I was also afraid that I was being stalked and I was really afraid to go anywhere alone or that someone was watching me through the windows, so I would have to dress or dryoff from a shower in my closet. I was afraid I would get into an accident so I would always be ready to slam on my brakes. I remember only once thinking that I ran someone over and had to get out and check. I've always been worried that a bf would cheat or that he wasn't good enough for me, I feared that I was gay, I had instrusive thoughts, I've watched the news about horrible crimes and thought "omg what if I was capable of doing something like that and ruined my life and someone elses and I ended up in prison and then I would have to kill myself?" I even had a hard time looking at mug shots of bad guys on the news because I would be afraid I thought they were cute. lol Now I think I'm getting a little worried about germs and its getting worse. I'm always checking to make sure my husband isn't going somewhere he shouldn't and I would have to call or drive to where he was to see, the whole way working myself up into an anxiety attack, then acting like a complete idiot when I get there and see him. And lately, I've been checking these boards to reassure myself that I do have rocd and its not my relationship or fears that are real. I wanted to write this all down so I could see these patterns. I knew there was something wrong because I have always tried to sabatoge relationships or wish that someone would cheat on me so I could get out. I'm so glad I know now, I just can't believe that I didn't see the other compulsions that I was doing. It didn't even dawn on me that it wasn't normal.

Last edited by recovering; 08-09-2010 at 11:49 AM.

 
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Old 08-26-2010, 09:07 PM   #2
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katrice26 HB User
Re: Realization

Wow! You have just described every obsession I have ever had. I still check the stove and the sinks. I take the iron with me to work so I do not cause a fire. When I leave the apartment, I have to check to make sure the door is locked. Everytime I get in the car, I worry it will break down. Years ago, I would think I hit a pedestrian. I kept returning to the area to make sure no one was hurt. I always obsess that if I am incarcerated or ruin my life for something I would kill myself. OCD is hard to understand. Right now I am managing okay without medication or a doctor. Some periods I have to take medicine and other times I can manage on my own. What you are feeling are normal for sufferers of OCD. We seem to have the same obsessions.

Last edited by moderator2; 08-28-2010 at 07:05 AM.

 
Old 08-27-2010, 12:10 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Re: Realization

Thanks katrice26, A few days ago I went to see a therapist but she doesn't specialize in OCD and I really feel that I need to talk to someone who understands it. I told her that I had an intrusive thought and when I told her exactly what it was it looked like her jaw was going to hit the floor; when I told her it was just an intrusive thought and asked her if she knew what pure o was she didn't, so I gave her a printout to explain it to her. I have another appointment but I think I'm going to try to find someone else. I'm doing a lot better now because I just got so sick of thinking I was over all of it and then it would come back. I stopped watching detective shows, murder mysteries, cheating shows, bad local news stories etc. Because once I start to listen to one of those its hard to turn it off, then it feels like it becomes part of my life and I can't stop thinking about it; its in the pit of my stomach and everything; for years and years I thought I needed to leave my husband for one reason or another so I was trying to start another business in my spare time at home so I wouldn't be left with nothing if we were to part. I would sit at my computer from 8am to 4am the next morning and I did this for years. I ended up with tendenitis. For the past year or so I have forced myself to just sit with the thoughts and let time pass and each time it gets easier. I haven't been checking my house for someone that could be hiding, or stay up all night worrying that I might hear something. One night I finally just told myself that I always feel this way and in the morning I'm still alive and tomorrow will be no different. So I went to sleep and nothing happend; the first night was really hard but now I can tell myself when I get scared that its nothing. The therapist thought I was dilusional because of the intrusive thought and my friends don't believe that I have ocd because my husband is narcissistic and he flirts a lot. Some days I think I have ocd and other days I feel like its my imagination. My newest thing is searching for ocd information. The thing is, I know I'm not gay but thought I was for many years but I didn't fear it unless it seemed like i was in a situation when something could happen, then I'd run from it. I also know for a fact that I've had contridictive thoughts (intrusive thoughts) to how I really feel. I just feel that I need to know for sure if this is ocd, rocd, or hocd etc. because I'm driving myself nuts with this.

Last edited by moderator2; 08-28-2010 at 07:03 AM.

 
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