I thought that I only had rocd because I didn't seem to have other compulsions. Then I thought back to when I was younger, just after my son was born. I remember being worried about him getting contaminated; I wanted to put him in a bubble. It drove me nuts when someone would kiss him on the head and I could smell their perfume on him or their slobbers and bad breath from their mouths touching his head so I would always clean him off. I remember praying all day, even when I was out I would pray in my mind so no one would hear, I vaguely remember tapping my foot before getting into bed, and trying to get my steps even before stepping over a crack in the sidewalk, I went through a cleaning phase because I worried that people would think I was dirty. When I had an inside dog I would go back to check the stove, toaster and iron because I was afraid I'd burn the house down and he'd have no way out. I thought I had a really bad memory because I could never remember if I had checked or not; I thought that once I got into the house I got distracted and forgot so I'd have to go back. I even remember leaving work on my lunch break to check because I couldn't remember if I turned everything off and I lived 30 miles away from work. There was a time when I would get home and disarm our house alarm but make my husband check the whole house to make sure no one got in. I even had to check the cupboards, under the bed, behind the clothes in the closet, behind the couches and drapes. Even if I walked out of the house for a few minutes to my driveway, if the door was unlocked I'd have to check the house to make sure no one got in. I was also afraid that I was being stalked and I was really afraid to go anywhere alone or that someone was watching me through the windows, so I would have to dress or dryoff from a shower in my closet. I was afraid I would get into an accident so I would always be ready to slam on my brakes. I remember only once thinking that I ran someone over and had to get out and check. I've always been worried that a bf would cheat or that he wasn't good enough for me, I feared that I was gay, I had instrusive thoughts, I've watched the news about horrible crimes and thought "omg what if I was capable of doing something like that and ruined my life and someone elses and I ended up in prison and then I would have to kill myself?" I even had a hard time looking at mug shots of bad guys on the news because I would be afraid I thought they were cute. lol Now I think I'm getting a little worried about germs and its getting worse. I'm always checking to make sure my husband isn't going somewhere he shouldn't and I would have to call or drive to where he was to see, the whole way working myself up into an anxiety attack, then acting like a complete idiot when I get there and see him. And lately, I've been checking these boards to reassure myself that I do have rocd and its not my relationship or fears that are real. I wanted to write this all down so I could see these patterns. I knew there was something wrong because I have always tried to sabatoge relationships or wish that someone would cheat on me so I could get out. I'm so glad I know now, I just can't believe that I didn't see the other compulsions that I was doing. It didn't even dawn on me that it wasn't normal.
Last edited by recovering; 08-09-2010 at 11:49 AM.