Obsessions - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

BriJ · 07-05-2003, 05:20 PM

Hey Shannon, I have had obsessions since I can remember. When I was about 7 or 8 I used to cry at night because I would have obsessions about hurting my mom. Of course when I was that young it scared the crap out of me. It was pretty much dormant for like 15 years, it was always there but never strong enough to bother me until about only 7-8 months ago. They started coming full force, they involved harmful thoughts mainly about my girlfriend who is everything in the world to me. I became worried and thought I was a freak or something because I still didn't know what it was. So I educated myself to an extreme and found out everything I could about my symptoms and stumbled across this monster called OCD. I was having really hard times for awhile trying to sleep at night, especially with my girlfriend next to me. The best thing that helps me is to talk about what I'm experiencing with her, parents, friends, therapists, or even me or other people on chat boards, it is a sort of form of exposure therapy and it makes you feel like you've gotten a load of your chest. I know it's really difficult to tell people you love you have thoughts about hurting them but there is a way to get around that and make them understand still. The first thing I did was have my girlfriend and parents read everything they can about OCD so they understand that its your brain chemistry and not you. I also had my parents read the book IMP OF THE MIND by Lee Baer. I highly recommend this book because its geared towards obsesions only. I then told my parents and girlfriend that my thoughts were violent in nature without telling them sometimes it involved them. I didn't feel like they need to know every little thing that goes on in my brain, as long as they have the gist they can understand a little of what I'm going thrrough and can be there for me when I have a bad day or whatever. Put it this way, we were cursed with this crap, but instead of it making us less confident or weaker people than non-ocd'ers, see it as making you stronger, we have to live, work, go to school raise children, and function in this stressful society just as everyone else does, we are at a disadvantage and have to fight that much harder making us stronger. As far as meds go I am not on any because I choose not to be. My doctor and parents recommendeded them at first but I know what is best for me and didn't feel like I was at that point. I also rarely see a therapist but I think its good to go to one because you can tell them anything(specific obsessions, etc.)And thankfully I made the right choice regarding meds because after seeing a therapist he told me that I definitely didn't need them. Anyway I hope this helps in some way. Feel free to ask any more questions or to keep in touch on this board, because it helps us to cope. -BRIAN

ShannonKay · 07-08-2003, 02:34 PM

It makes me want to cry, imagining a 7 year old feeling so horrible, having to deal with these thoughts alone...

Your story is a lot like mine, although I did'nt start having the disturbing thoughts until I was about 16. They mainly involved my younger sister, who means the WORLD to me; I love her so much. It's always the ones we love the most. I was'nt sure what to make of these thoughts, but they kept intensifying, year by year (I'm 21 now), churning in my mind, until the guilt was
tremendous and I was sure I was insane.

The very first time the thought entered my mind, I was baby-sitting two young girls and a very young baby boy, probably only about a month old. He was premature, and I remember looking at him, thinking how fragile he was. What if I held him wrong? What if I don't support his neck enough? If I handled him too much, could it hurt him? I was overwhelmed, only being 16 and responsible for this tiny infant, but I was experienced with children, so I picked him up, held him, tried to play with him... and the thought entered my mind. "What if I hurt this baby on purpose?" The horror of that thought shocked me, and I put him back in his crib, wondering why I would think such a thing. I did'nt hold him for the rest of the night.

Later, I was in my sister's room watching TV, and my mind was racing. "WHAT IF I HURT MY SISTER?" The thought scared me so much that I popped up, ran downstairs, and went to my mom's room in tears. I told her that I was having bad thoughts and worries (I was much too ashamed and frightened to tell her the extent of the thoughts), and she told me that whatever I was thinking was just anxiety, I needed to calm down, etc. That was just the beginning.

That whole summer was hell, my mind racing, churning, the shaky panic and anxiety... It eventually subsided and the fear disappeared for amounts of time... although I can honestly say that there has'nt been a day sense that I have'nt thought about it. Throughout highschool I had sleepless nights... I read book after book and listened to the radio to force myself to sleep. I panicked in class. I remember sitting in geometry with tears in my eyes, while I laughed and talked and put on a facade in front of my friends. I was the LAST person anyone would suspect of having depression or mental problems of any kind. But what could I do? I would tell NOBODY. I told myself that the thoughts would go away in time.

The thoughts only mutated. They crept their way into everything I did. It is important to realize that the last five years of my life were NOT all living hell- I've had some great moments and memories, and I honestly would'nt trade it for anything. But I realize that, even through triumphs, milestones, changes, experiences- the thoughts were always there. They were as present as my shadow, torturing, churning, ruminating. I was nervous around knives and scissors, I could hardly watch the news, and forget about scary movies.

Recently, the thoughts intensified, and were accompanied by images. I see stories of mothers killing their loved ones everywhere and it sickens me, because instead of thinking "that's horrible, who could do such a thing?", I think, "WHAT IF I HURT MY FAMILY TOO?" So I told my older brother (I could'nt hold it in anymore, no matter how abnormal I felt) and we told my parents... and this is where I am now. If it were'nt for my mom suggesting that it may be OCD, I would still be in my private hell, thinking that I'm horrible, feeling absolutely hopeless... these thoughts and anxieties had started to define me; I felt that there was no way out of the trap I was in, and I was sure that I'd be sent away if anyone found out. My deep, dark secret is shared by millions of others in the world. I wonder what life would be like if I had discovered that years ago. I've always known about OCD, but not on a very educated level- I thought it was all about cleanliness and locking doors over and over.

So that's my story, summed up. I know it won't be easy, but I will have to do something about this... I don't feel like so much of a monster anymore, knowing that others have this problem as well. I'm on medication now, and I think I can feel it working, although I've only been on it for a few weeks. I also want to start therapy. Oh, and I have the book "Imp of the Mind", and I read throught it, but I was tired when I did, so I need another chance to really delve into it. I admire Lee Baer and his efforts to focus on this disorder- it needs more exposure.

Thanks for hearing me out! Sorry so long, just had to vent.

[This message has been edited by ShannonKay (edited 07-08-2003).]