14_14

hi everyone.

i am new to this site and am so thankful that i've FINALLY found one like it.

i have been suffering from what i think is ocd since childhood but only became familiar with the actual term "ocd" within the last few years.

looking back at my childhood, i have memories of doing things like

-counting the number of steps i took within a certain distance and trying to make them even-numbered (i have, as far as i can remember, always favoured even numbers)
-making sure that i sit in every seat in a room, i guess to feel "satisfied" and to be able to say that i sat on EVERY seat.
-worrying about watching every part of a movie so that i would be able to accurately say that i've seen it.
-washed my hands frequently to be clean.
-had a problem with little kids sitting on my lap (ie. my little sister or baby cousins). i was always worried that i would have a feeling/sensation that is wrong while they were on my lap.
-felt the need to confess to my mom things that i thought i had done wrong (like swearing)

as i got older, i continued to have weird thoughts/habits (ie. continuing of the frequent washing of the hands, having to further explain and break down what i've just said to people so as to make sure that i was accurate and telling the truth), but i didn't know that there was something "medically" wrong with me and just endured the "torture". it was when i was around 18 yrs old that i hit the peak of my ocd and depression. my disturbing thoughts (mostly of a sexual nature)were tormenting me and i was crying all the time, losing weight, not able to sleep, and thinking of not wanting to live anymore. i had just broken up with my boyfriend and suffered a miscarriage not too long from this time so i think my mom thought that i was just going through a "rough" time and that i wasn't dealing with it well. my parents have gone through separation so she knew how hard it was to lose someone. what she didn't know was that my thoughts were killing me inside. anyways, she referred me to a psychologist who helped me for a few years. she was really nice and really tried to reassure me that i was not psycho or a bad, sick person for thinking the thoughts i did but we didn't really talk too much about ocd. i did some research on ocd and from what i can remember sort of diagnosed myself with it.

paying for the sessions of therapy were getting hard and she was already giving me a big discount so she referred me to a psychatrist that she knew but being my dumb self i let the opportunity to meet him slip. i don't really remember what happened but assume that i was procrastinating. in the meantime, i was in a serious relationship with someone that i had met sometime in this chaotic timeline. i became pregnant and we got married.

to make a long story short, i never got to meet this psychiatrist whom i was referred to (i tried to contact him later but left a message and never received a call back). My husband has been VERY supportive but, of course, he has gone through a lot as he does not fully understand what i am going through. he has helped to motivate me to seek more help which brings me to whom i am seeing now.

my gp referred me to this psychiatrist who is very eager to start me on SEROQUEL (she decided that i should take it after meeting with me for about forty-five minutes). i have always been willing to take medication (God knows that i've been on a few already), but have been hesitant to take this one as i have been informed that there is no definitive evidence that proves that the medication is not harmful to a breastfed baby (i now have a second child). the doctor knows that i have reservations about taking the medication now and tells me that the counselling/cognitive therapy i have requested while i continue to breastfeed will not make a difference.

can someone please give me some advice on whether or not taking this medication is okay. if i do decide to take it, i will stop breastfeeding first (that's for sure) but i've done some research on the internet about seroquel and have read some bad side effects. plus it's used to treat schizophrenia...i haven't read anywhere that it's used to treat ocd. i am presently taking 60mg of paxil/day...
........i can go on forever explaining the thoughts/obsessions/worries i have....please help!