FemiPoet

I've been reading this forum for a while, but am just now posting. I've had O.C.D. for years and have always feared medication. Every time I go to the doctor, they don't seem to pay attention to my medical history or fears because, if they did, they would see how many times I've been put on meds, by different doctors, and would hear me tell them that I am afraid of meds. Instead, they give me the same old tired (very, very tired) "heart disease" or "diabetes" analogy, and write yet another prescription. I waste time and money. Counseling almost seems to make it worse because it makes me think about it all the time.
Anyway, my fears are of losing or altering my creativity. (I write poetry). Anybody else have this fear? get over it? how? has your creative work (amount or quality or even subject matter) changed after you took medicine? know any articles or books I could read?
Anyway, about my subject line, as is the nature of o.c.d., some of my rituals/obsessions/compulsions have stayed the same, but others have changed. Recently, my new thing is smell. I don't like to smell anything. Breath, flowers, food. When I smell it, I churn my stomach and cough to expell what I've smelled from my body. It's like in the middle ages when they thought diseases were caught by smelling foul odors, and they carried around potpourri. It's gotten worse, though, most recently, because sometimes I induce a gag reflex (purposely) with my coughing, and when I do that, extra saliva rushes into my mouth, and I worry that the saliva is contaminated, so I have to spit.
It's problematic. :/

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"I don't want the cheese. I just want out of the trap."- Spanish proverb
"I want the cheese. I want out of the trap. I want the scar for proof."- my proverb

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"I don't want the cheese. I just want out of the trap."- Spanish proverb
"I want the cheese. I want out of the trap. I want the scar for proof."- my proverb