Catasyne

Hello!!

My name's Cassandra and I'm 19 years old. I'm new to this board and I was wondering if anyone could help me out by telling me if these symptoms make any sense to you, cause I'm really confused and concerened and I've lived most of my life thinking i'm the only weirdo who can even relate to any of these but i've just recently (today) found out that, just maybe, that's not true:

I will pick at my face for a really long time. I start out with whatever big blemishes I have but by the end I am searching for whatever tiny tiny little blackhead or imperfection that noone would ever notice. It's not so much that I'm concerned about how I look, though that's part of it. It's just an obsession of mine... when I pop a pimple it somehow feels like I've accomplished something and it is a huge stress releiver and relaxer for me. There aren't huge lesions on my face or anything like I've read other people have... though the skin on my nose is now really thick and tough, and a lot of times popping a pimple results in a small blood spot that turns into a scab which i pick off but they usually heal pretty quickly and they aren't too big. Whats worse though is that it feels better when it hurts.

I also pick at my scalp. Whenever I am doing anything that doesn't occupy my hands a lot of times I'll rub my scalp up and down looking for any skin flake or scab or anything that i can pick or scratch off. I also do the same thing with my back. Also, I have to feel whatever i pick/scratch off between my fingers and i have to flick it on the floor or i feel really disapointed. It gets to the point where I will skip showers on purpose so more stuff will build up in my hair and i will have more to pick out.

Also, I pinch and scratch myself, especially my hips, above my knees, my fingers, between my fingers and in the pits under my toes, under my knees, and under my elbows. I can't stand to have something just gently touch these parts of my body, like if i had my arm resting on my hip, I'd have to pinch or scratch it. But again, it isn't to the point where i'm bleeding or anything, it just has to start hurting and then i feel better. Am I psycho or what??

I also crack my neck and fingers and ankles a lot. It got to the point where my ankles were constantly hurting and my neck still hurts if I look down even slightly more than a few minutes... this makes it rather difficult to read, do homework, pray, or do anything that requires me to look down.

I also rub my eyes and in between my eyes. If I accidentally touch my eye slightly or if I blink hard enough that i feel slight pressure on my eye, i have to rub them really hard. It used to be that just flexing my forhead was enough pressure for me, but not anymore, i have to rub hard enough that it hurts. It's like the scratching/pinching thing, i can't stand for something to just slightly touch me, it has to be at the point of hurting or i just cant stand it.

But see none of these things result in any really serious injuries or anything, just the small scars and scabs from face-picking and the constantly hurting ankles and neck. And it doesn't really affect my social or school life, cause i can do most of these things in public and noone really notices. The only thing i have to run and hide to do is the face picking, and that is getting to the point where I will run to the bathroom and pick at myself whereever i'm at... whether it's at home, at the student center, at mcdonalds, at a friends house... I go to the bathroom and five minutes later i'll come back with my face all red and puffy and bleeding.

Even though they aren't really affecting my activties, the reason i'm concerned about them is that i can't stop. I've tried, but I just can't. I can only stop for a few days before I go back. With the facepicking, it may just be that i dont have enough will power. But with the scratching/rubbing/pinching, I have tested myself by lieing down and saying "okay, i am not going to scratch, rub, or pinch anything" and ten I will become very much aware that my arm is resting on my hip. I will resist as best i can, but it will be almost like it's painful, but different. I just can't stand it, I'll wince and start breathing heavy and get these extremely uncomfortable waves that scream "I need to rub my hip NOW!!"

Does ANYTHING sound familiar to you guys or am i just a total and complete weirdo??

BTW, if it gives any other insight, I get obsessed with things extremely easily... internet, chatrooms, computer games, TV... at one point I would get up at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, go straight to the computer room and play my computer game all day long, i would do absolutely nothing else except eat and go to the bathroom, until i went to bed at around 8am. I would continue this all summer long. By the end I would be totally depressed, having no human contact for three months, and I would actually hate the game, i wouldn't want to go back to it, and whenever i would be on it i would just be depressed, but for some reason i would just keep coming back. By the end i would really look forward to school starting again because it would force me to get away from the stupid computer and let me see real people again. Once I got out into the "real world" i would easily drop the habit, it's just getting to that point that's difficult.

Please please tell me if i'm psycho or not... do you think i should talk to a counselor about this?? Does anyone have experience with OCD and can tell me if it sounds like i may be experiencing some OCD-related symptoms?? Thank you so much!!

--Cassandra