mommieof2girls

Hi, I've posted a few times here and I'm still confused about
myself. I'm wondering if i'm an evil person and mom. I'll try and
sum up my story as best I can. Here it goes:

First of all, I have never seen a doc about these thoughts, I am on
zoloft but only because I told the urgent care docs that I was having
panic attacks. Ok, well I have been having "bad thougths" I have
thoughts of hurting my kids in some way like, choking, drowning
during bathtime and stabbing. I've read books about ocd and have
done some of the things in there to help because it was really hard
for me to function when all these thoughts started. I am doing much
better since being on zoloft but I still get thoughts of " do i love
my kids" , "do i care for them" I feel so awful just typing those
words. See, before the thoughts came i was really depressed and so
stressed out of being a mommy, my mother in law even gave a name for
what i was feeling, she said I was "parent tired". At times I wanted
to run away and not take care of them anymore. Like when they would
argue and fight in the car I would do the usual, stop fighting or
whatever and i would feel as if i was so defeated that i couldn't
control anything. I would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach
that went down through my legs kind of like being really scared.
Then the day after thanksgiving of last year, i had a bad thought. I
was saying prayers and asking god to help me protect my kids from
evil and I started to think how anyone could hurt children even
parents. When I thought that last thought about parents a thought
popped in of me choking my daughter. It scared me half to death, i
kept asking myself why on earth did i think that??? I just knew I
was evil and I was afraid that it was a thought that would come
true. I didn't even want to get angry at them because of the fear
that I would hurt them.

Since i've been on zoloft I have been much better and I'm able to
control things alot better now, but.....every now and then a thought
will pop up like I have no feelings, as if i'm numb. What is wrong
with me it gives me so much anxiety. Am i an evil mom??? Why does
my brain do that? Sometimes I just want to be away from doing all
the mommy things and just be by myself, and I feel so guilty for
thinking that. Sometimes I'll be talking about my kids at work like
how they didnt' behave or I just can't wait til school starts again
and I realize that I hardly say anything nice about being a mom.
What is wrong with me. As I'm writing this I just feel so awful and
I feel sick to my stomach, the scared feelings again. I just feel
that if I don't care for them then maybe I will someday snap and hurt
them because I have no feelings. It makes me doubt who I am, I've
always been a caring person so how on earth can I think things like
that about my own kids. God, I would be lost without them, see even
as I just typed that a quick thought went through my head asking "
would I be lost without them?" WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!! THAT CAN'T
BE NORMAL FOR A MOM TO SAY!!!! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!!
ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT, I'LL UNDERSTAND IF YOU ALL THINK I'M A
PSYCHOPATH!!!!

THANKS,

SUZIE

PS. SORRY IT'S SOOOOO LONG!!!!