** Everyone forget this post. I KNOW for sure I have OCD and no longer even need the reassurance. I tried to delete this post, but couldn't, so don't even bother reading it, it's too long
Hi everyone,
I'm always posting on these boards and reading stuff you guys write, and I think it's finally time to share. I was actually just too lazy to write my story since it's so complicated and lengthy, but I need your opinions. I know there are numerous "do I have OCD?" posts, and I'm very familiar with the symptoms, but I'm a little bit confused because I'm not sure I fit the diagnostic criteria for OCD or an anxiety disorder so I was wondering if you could help me out. Here's my story:
(Notice that I say I definitively have OCD because I am almost completely convinced that I do)
Here's my story:
I would say that my OCD slowly evolved. It started out as a severe fear of vomiting, and I obsessed about that constantly, from the second I woke up, while sleeping, and of course, all day long, and now I have many obsessions. I was on medication from the age of 13-17 for panic attacks/anxiety. At the age of 13, I was prescribed tranquilizers (benzodiazepines, Klonopin to be specific) and I was HEAVILY addicted to it although I took it as prescribed. My psychiatrist told me that would never happen, and I plan to sue for the difficulty I had coming off of the drug. It was truly the most hellish thing that you can ever go through. I was also told by the doctor that I would have little or no withdrawal, and that is the main reason I'm suing. Anyway, throughout the years, I have been on MANY medications for panic disorder. I attribute the panic attacks every few months to being tolerance withdrawal to Klonopin. Everytime I became "immune" to a certain level of Klonopin, I needed more, and therefore was going through tolerance withdrawal and had panic attacks. I didn't know this at the time and just thought that the Klonopin wasn't totally effective. Anyway, I took Prozac, Paxil, Celexa, Neurontin, Effexor, Seroquel, Risperdal, Wellbutrin, and others that I can't even remember. I finally decided to get off the medication after horrible SSRI withdrawals and I knew I was addcited to the Klonopin. At the age of 17, I went through hardcore withdrawal that lasted two months in its most severe stage, and that was with tapering the dosage down. I managed to do that, and got off of everything, but a few months later decided I wanted an SSRI again because I convinced myself that I would go "psychotic" without being on medication. I had pretty bad side effects from the meds I took (Seroquel, Lexapro, Trazodone) and I slept constantly. I hated it, and still had extreme anxiety and fears. For me, medication seemed to be covering up the underlying issues I needed to confront all these years but couldn't due to being sedated. Anyway, now, only on Trazodone, my OCD is pretty horrible. I'm obsessed with physical as well as mental symptoms. I'm deathly afraid of going "crazy" or being "out of control" still, even though I know its an irrational thought and that it is just my OCD talking. I'm still very afraid of throwing up, and I question every single decision, thought, and emotion that I have. I can functin, but with a ton of pain because it's so tiring to constantly talk yourself out of your OCD and obsessive thoughts and anxiety. I am often agitated and depressed. I have managed to overcome some of my obsession on my own, such as my fear of hurting animals even though I have always loved animals. I can also completely talk myself out of panic attacks I sometimes experience due to the obsession, and am no longer afraid of social situations, I am just completely unmotivated to be in them. I have a hard time working because I have a phobia that something will happen to me at work, and I have a fear of independance. I think that I need extensive therapy to truly overcome this, but I still have hope. My compulsion is complaining and reassurance, I believe. I immediately feel better after someone tells me that "nothing will happen". Until a few hours later, at least. I'm deathly afraid that I do not have OCD, but a more serious mental condition such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or Borderline Personality Disorder. I always feel stressed out even though I don't due much but sit in the house because I have a vestibular disorder that is causing severe vertigo. This only occured about 6 months ago, but I still wasn't the to apt to leave home very often, even having numerous friends and a boyfriend. I also obsess about my body. I was very heavy on psychotropic medication and now I'm underweight, although I still see myself as being overweight. I pinch parts of my body througout the day to see if I may have gained weight, and weight myself obsessively every single day, although I do not have disorded eating habits. Everyday, I stress about my future because I am only 19 years old and doing nothing with myself. I have a very high IQ, I'm friendly, outgoing, life-experienced, and funny and yet I do nothing with my life except obsess all day long and drive myself crazy with boredom. Currently, I'm obtaining my GED (I dropped out due to my addiction) and I'm planning on going to college in the Spring. I STILL do NOT DRIVE because I never worked for long enough to save up the money for insurance, even though I have my own car sitting in the driveway. It depresses me because I DO have so many dreams, yet not enough motivation to fulfill them because the obsessiveness takes that away.
Also, I have lack of interest in ANYTHING anymore, but I think that may be my depression.
Thanks for your responses.
[This message has been edited by Solstice1221 (edited 10-15-2003).]
OCD or an anxiety disorder or both? 
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