joey2276

Hi everyone....WOW this board is amazing....I dont know ANYONE who I can talk to about my OCD. My worst symptom is that I get urges to confess things. Typically these come in two forms...one is to apologize for just about anything. If I say something and the person reacts in a way that looks like their upset I apologize; if I'm 2 minutes late I apologize, if I offended someone 4 years ago I get an urge to call them up and say sorry for that. The other one; which is far worse and the most deisturbing; is that I get strong urges to confess things from my past. I feel like i am hiding stuff from people around me if I dont give in to the OCD. Example....I am a 27 year old straight guy; but one time 5 years ago I experimented with another guy. We didnt even do that much, no real sex just fooling around. At the time I thought wow I'm glad no one will find out about that; I hated it anyway but wanted to try it once. Now I have BAD urges to tell people like my family and friends. I actually gave into the OCD and told one of my friends and my dad about it; and it was no big deal but other of my childhood friends; I'm not sure how they would feel about that; at the very least it would gross them out in a major way and they'd look at me differently and at the worst it would kill our friendship. I also know that if I do tell everyone I know this then ther are more compulsions lined up which will probably take the form of something similar...perhaps telling them fantasies I have or things like that. I have read all of the good OCD books which have helped tremendously so I know that the only path to take is to NOT GIVE IN!! NEVER do what OCD says to do but those 2 times in the last 6 months I just was overwhelmed. The other way OCD affects me is that my concsionce is about 5 times stronger than normal; I feel guilt over stupid things (the apology "exorcises" this feeling though) I had a totally normal brain for the first 23 years of my life; I do have fibromyalgia though; a painful muscle condition. I was on 2 medications for it; klonopin (1mg) and methadone (10mg); then just over 3 years ago I was feeling better from the fibromyalgia and began going off both meds. I went off methadone completely and klonopin down to 0.5mg. Then overnight the OCD reared its ugly head and boy was I confused and in a world of emotional pain until I read some books on it about 5 months later and said "hey thats what I have!" and learned behavioral therapy and how to flow with it better. "Brain Lock" by Schwartz really helped a lot. I have recently gone back on full klonopin dose and most of the methadone dose and as far as OCD goes the urges are still there but much less instense; I'd say I'm a good 60% better from my worst; those severe anxety feeling if you dont confess are much less harsh because of the klonopin; my brain feels likeits slowed down a lot. but of course my goal is total recovery; wich I am aiming for with behavior therapy and themedications. I still need to see a good OCD specialist in LA county area to really make more progress. I have found that besides these 2 treatment methods the best thing to do is to be cocky and arrogant and uncompromising. I have always had a timid, shy, diplomatic, analytical personality....I need to change all of this if I am to get back to where I should be mentally and emotionally.
Anyway....rambling there.....nice to meet you all; good luck to you in your own journey through this.
Joe in Los Angeles

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Joe T