OCD born with me, although no one in my family had nothing like this, from my early years it was obvious something was wrong with me, the fact that carpets were not ligned up like i wanted to, or the fact that everything had to be in certain positions proved it, but since i was a brilliant student since my first day at school, everyone said that i was just hyperactive or just nervose...
I remember of being always worried about everything and fearing the future...but i also remember of always thinking about death and always dreamed with me dying saving someone elses life. Childwood...my childwood was not good, in fact it was hell, beatings after beatings, abuses...my parents believed that i would be " cured " if i wanted to because since i was so intelligent at school i would be intelligent enough to know that i was just creating things that didn't exist...Always thinking about death, got my first major depression at the age of 14, at the same time i was one of the best students of my school. altough i never studied...then beatings and abuses continued, i had everything a boy could want: no dificulties at school, played soccer at an important team, lots of friends, my parents gave all that i wanted in what concerns to money...but then started the wrost. At 16 i had another depression, and soon after began the rituals...i spent 3 hours just making my bed, or 2 hours to take a shower...there were days that all that i could do was make my bed and shower myself and sit watching tv...i began doing everything repeatedly, everything was done 2 times, or in pairs...didn't matter what it was...if i went to anywhere, i would have to return there and do exacly the same thing...it was hell. By this time my parents decided to take me to a doctor ( the worst thing they could have done ), whom made me an IQ test...138 i was a " genious "... that just made my parents believe they were right, it was just my imagination and so with severe punishments i would return to normal ( what is normal anyway ? ). I couldn't get much worst, and in my first day in university, away from my parents, i took my first ( and hopefully i thought it would be the last ) shot, and prepared everything for commiting my own suicide...sharp razorblade, wrists on ice for some time and then cutted my own wrists...i wake...in the hospital, i was found by my landlord...began the therapy with shrinks and everything else, massive drugs like Xanax XR 5mg ( x2 day ), Effexor XR 450 mgs day, Paxil 60 to 80 mgs day...i took so much...today i'm 23 years old, addicted in drugs and i spend much of the time cutting myself and destroying my body...my entire body is " tatooed " with scars and i look at life like something that doesn't make any sense...i just repeat everything 2 times. My life was taken by OCD, i didn't asked for it...
I could have been so happy...
Life is just a lie, God doesn't exist, it was just our own creation in order to have someone to give us the strenght when we were weak, people say that like animals and then they eat them every day, the best things in our pitty lifes are the natures own blessings and even that is being destroyed by us...i've always believed i would die before making 24...it was like i could see this thing coming miles away...
Chemicals or not, genetics or not...OCD makes me hate mankind and life...it took my future away turning living in to surviving...Life is living not surviving...so never fear death cause it's you shutting the brain down...that brain whom ***ed up my entire life...no one else runs my life and since its my life and i hate it...suicide is a great ticket to freedom...
By the way...do you all believe that there is future ? Just look around...war, misery, killing, no respect for any specie... We think we are smarter...the planet was here first, we are destroying it, eating ourselfs, being concerned only about tomorrow and not about future generations...i still remember hearing about Sustented Development...building today for our future generations...even i, a mad boy with a psiq desease, can see that it wount take long to turn this planet in to a ball of fire..ask yourself, Why doesn't anybody else see this ?
OCD sucks, life sucks and mankind is nothing but terrorists fighting for own, selfish causes...
Sorry if i offended anyone in this manifesto but my scars hurt and my head tells me to hurt myself more...
I agree on alot of what you've said. Lots of people out there destoying the planet, and really they have no right to do so. Warring with each other like they don't have a brain or conscience. Causing suffering instead of stopping it. I love animals and I am a vegetarian and don't ever eat animals, so we are out there trying to change things. I look at 50 years ago, no protected animals, no recycling to conserve resources, no people protesting war, very few protected lands, discrimination was acceptable and incouraged, no one out there studying the other species minds to discover thier real intelligence value, no humane society, no aspca, no vegetarians, mentally ill people being sterilized, experimented on. The list goes on and on as far as what we have learned for the good today as a race. The changes made. I think this learning trend will continue, as long as there are people like you and me out there b*tching about it. Opening peoples eyes and ears and minds. Without us, there is no future, but as long as we are here, I do think there is a future. Being as we are as a whole, all of us, we are the only ones who can make any difference. And we are few, we cannot afford to lose even one of us. Everytime we have a victory for animals, peace whatever, I admit I enjoy a big "In your face" moment. I don't think its too late. I also thought I would never see age 24, or 20, 21,22,23,,25,26, etc. etc. Well I'm 37 tommorow, my views of society have changed a bit, they were alot like yours, I still have trouble but I have had a few yrs. to see the progess, and to meet genuinely good, kind, compassionate people. I have also gone through the self mutilation, was able to stop after some time. What I have found is that with time and effort, the mind changes, more than seems concievably possible. Had I told myself this 10 years ago, I definately would have said "Bullsh*t! Mine won't!" My only peace has come alot from knowing (learning) people do bad things because they are ignorant, like a child, not bad (most) and that allows me to forgive them, instead of hating them for thier actions. They don't know or choose to think of about what thier doing or have done. Only voices of people like us will change that. You can change alot of peoples minds in a lifetime, they do the same, you have helped change 1000's in the end. Suffering can come to an end by learning and changing, for them and us.
I for one, don't believe that you "get out of anything" by commiting suicide. In fact, I believe you end up in a worse place. Taking one's life is killing - against one of God's commandments.
Actually, if I were in your position, I would think that "my reward" would be "to get better". Committing suicide would only give those people who abused you, more power and control over you.
I have been through some pretty rough stuff as a child, but again, self-mutilation and self destruction is only giving those people in the past more power over you, that's all.
Regarding my childhood: my real "light bulb moment" came for me when a psychologist said "you can go on and on for the rest of your life complaining about your parents and what they did to you, but there is no payoff in it - none whatsoever. They are not suffering only you are.
The other thing that changed my life was realizing and knowing that I did nothing wrong as a child. These things were not my fault. REALLY THINK ABOUT THIS FACT AND START BELIEVING IN YOURSELF!
Start really working on your ocd. From what I have read, it doesn't matter how long you have had it.
There are many many people and resources out there than can help you - support groups, psychologists, etc. 2 really good resources to check into are 2 centers in the States. They are both inpatient or outpatient centers. The Center for the Treatment and Study of Anxiety in Philadelphia is the one I attended. One of the counselors there told me that people come from all over the world to attend this center. Their contact info:
Center for the Treatment and Study of Anxiety in Philadelphia (215) 746-3327. Their web: [url="http://www.med.upenn.edu/ctsa/."]http://www.med.upenn.edu/ctsa/.[/url]
Another really good inpatient/outpatient clinic for ocd is: OCD clinic at Massachusetts General Hospital (617)855-3371. Their web: [url="http://www.mgh.harvard.edu/psychneuro/overall.htm"]http://www.mgh.harvard.edu/psychneuro/overall.htm[/url]
My best to you Paulo. I believe that you can work through all your problems and experience happiness, but you have got to believe in yourself too and not the lies of others.
[This message has been edited by fm5 (edited 10-14-2003).]
Thanks for all the help, and the adresses of the clinics but haven't you noticed that i'm Portuguese...you know Portugal ? It's not in the USA...Anyway...God is just the ultimate bull**** man created just to have someone to blame or believe in... I believe in choose life...and so i also believe in choosing something else...it's my life, my show and i decide when it will stop... Suicide gives me a chance of fooling the one you name " god "...instead of staying here and just let me die in the sun suffering and suffering, i prefer to manage my own future...or no future...
Sick of being a slave to my brain... 
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