tigerdream

First I will say it is my birthday today so, Happy Birthday to me :lol: . But it is not happy as I have made it that way for my mate and I. I guess I should state that I have a germ/contamination thing and cannot stop rehashing it and asking questions of my mate because of a cold they have (for about 10 days now so it is getting tougher everyday + just developed bronchitis) I just recently revealed to them that it is and has been OCD that is making me act in this rather unpleasant manner so they might not have hurt feelings by my behavior, (taking things personally, I have been with them for 5 yrs always doing the same thing in waves, much more severe if they are sick) it makes me feel rotten. I keep asking every 10-20 mins. things like Is it better, did you take your meds, do you really think its better, what feels better, are you washing your hands, are you covering your mouth, are you washing your hands after covering your mouth,do you think its better than yesterday,did you touch this, do you think you have another cold,? Plus wiping everything down, washing hands, windows open with heat on etc.etc.etc. But I can refrain from this for long periods at times and some days are better than others. I try to tell them that they should not take it personally it is me not them but I do end up saying things that are directed right at them especially when things escalate in the heat of the constant questions and behavior. The thing is they have said things at this point to me like "I would never marry you like this" (fine I did'nt ask you to anyhow) "You make me uneasy, because something is wrong with your brain" "I am the one with a cold, I feel worse than you do" (not acknowledging I am suffering greatly with this situation the OCD is torture on its own and the deteriorating relationship b/c of it, not being able to stop it/me, I feel they act like I am deriving pleasure from this) " I just want my old Jess back" saying "this is all your fault" "why don't you just stop?" I tell them I can't and they say they don't think thats true, and two days ago said "you are crazy" The moment I told them about the OCD they started looking at me like I'm totally nuts. They can't seem to distinguish between someone who is actually padded room completely out of reality nuts and someone who is 100% normal in every other aspect of life. It makes me feel extremely bad to have the only person in your life (moved out of state from friends and family sometime ago and so busy working on new business, have not had time to make new friends) act like they think your a total mental case. I am still me exactly like I was last week, last year, whatever. My OCD only becomes severe and a huge problem when they are sick, it only seems to irritate them mildly when they are not sick (bothers me though), behaviors are atleast reduced to not touching public doors, utensils, commomly touched objects, sanatizing hands, asking rarely are you catching something etc. I would think they could see this bad portion that affects them directly is brief in the course of a lifetime. They think that I can control it and choose not to, in reality the longer I go without the questioning or whatever the more the anxiety grows in me. I desire to be respected, because I am a good person, I think that the stigma that society has ingrained into people may be more than they are able to rise above. I just feel very low, I am going to the doctor today even so its not like I do not want to stop. I feel so bad about everything that been said, done, whatever. Why can't they see I cannot help it, why don't they see how hard I'm trying and how much worse it would be if I did'nt? They think I'm just letting it fly with not trying to stop. I think they think I want to do this, just because I am doing it. That it the worst. Any comments , kind words, any response welcome.

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~tigerdream~