Join Date: Oct 2010
Hello, I know there are many, many posts and forums about intrusive thoughts and a lot have helped me but I just need some calming about my own. I'm a seventeen-year-old girl and for the majority of my life I have been very happy and content (I was the only one in my immediate family not diagnosed/medicated for depression) but I did have some 'quirks' which at the time were not recognized as the onset of OCD. Locks were my biggest compulsion, especially at night, but also things like rinsing out my cat's water dish five times (I thought they would get sick or die if I did it any less), turning off and unplugging everything when I went to bed (electrical fires), touching things (I would wonder for hours what they felt like if I didn't), and even as going as far as hiding my bras under my clothes when I would lay them out for school the next day for fear that my pets would get their necks caught in the straps or having to pick up the laundry basket at the top of our stairs, fearing if I didn't my mom would fall down the stairs when she did it the next day, and so on and so forth. It was mainly with other people, especially family/pets, and I rarely worried about myself. Then around three or four years ago I started having to say 'Drive safe and be safe, I love you' to my mom and dad every time I talked to them on the phone, left the house, or sent them a text or e-Mail at least one but usually three times, thinking if I didn't they'd become a victim of some horrible accident. Throughout Junior Year I was not my usual, peppy self. I still put on quite a show to my loving family and friends and no one believed they had cause to worry so I did not speak to a doctor or any other professional. I became more depressed then in my entire life, though, one weekend this summer when I was just hanging out with my sister (who is also my best friend) and she fell asleep in my room while we were watching some Criminal Minds, which we did often. I know it was the plot of the show that put it in my mind but all of a sudden a got the thought, 'I could strangle her right now, it would be so easy.' It terrified and disgusted me. I dwelled on it for days, my thoughts becoming more and more irrational and scary. I finally called my mom on the phone (she was out of town) and broke down crying, lying that I had had a dream about strangling my sister because I was too embarrassed to tell her I was conscious when I first thought about it and how sad I'd been lately. She made an appointment with my doctor and I calmed down for awhile, only thinking about it every once in awhile. I talked with my doctor and I met all the 'requirements' for depression, I also tried to tell her about my compulsive and obsessive tendencies but she waved it off a bit, joking that 'was it such a bad thing to never want anything laying around on the floor?' I love comedy and rarely take myself seriously, but this is the one serious thing about me and I was a little offended, I'd give anything to not have to do what I do or have the thoughts I have! She prescribed me 50 MG tablets of sertraline (Zoloft) to be cut in half and taken once a day. They did help for awhile, I was sleeping better, genuinely more happy, and didn't think about strangling my sister, but I did notice I no longer would sleep in her room (she had an extra twin bed in there because we would hang out so much) or watch Criminal Minds anymore because I was worried I would start thinking about it and snap and actually do it! The pills did not help with my compulsions, though. I was having a bit of a downer all week but alright until I was watching some television with my sister and I started thinking about strangling her again. It scares me so! The same week I had irrational fears that everyone thought I was a lesbian. I grew up in a very loving-to-all household and both my dad and best friend are gay, so I believed I would've recognized sooner if I was indeed gay but soon it was all I could think about. I've always been a tomboy but also always been attracted to men and enjoy being with them, this week though it's like I have to convince my brain that oh, that boy over there is cute when I would never have to think twice about it before. I know this is a common intrusive thought but it distresses me nonetheless, not that I'm against being gay, people can't help that, but that I'm so confused who I am by these new and strange thoughts! And the violent side of my intrusive thoughts has always only been about my sister but in school this week I started thinking about strangling everyone! I can't concentrate, I'm terrified of my own mind, and all I want to do is sleep so I can escape my thoughts. I am quite a pacifist, I don't like gore and don't watch horror films, and love people so these thoughts worry me immensely. I know everyone says no one with OCD has ever acted on their intrusive thoughts but I can't help worrying I will and then I think the only way I could end this would be by committing suicide, I don't want to but at times it seems the only logical option when the rational side of my brain knows it's not. I know people differentiate those with OCD and psychopaths by one feels excited by the thought and the other doesn't. I feel no excitement by these thoughts but then another intrusive thought comes along telling me I do when I don't, and then it just starts another bout of terrifying worries. I'm terribly sorry this post was so long but I just need some answers or soothing. I have a doctor's appointment in two days, do I have enough evidence (hah, pretty sure I do) to bring up that I should be professionally diagnosed with OCD? Do those with it think I do? Whatever advice people have, I'd love to hear it! These forums are the only thing that has been helping me lately! I cannot thank you enough!