I am new on here, I am a 19 year old girl and in college. and I was diagnosed with OCD about a week ago and I was put on some medication for it but it backfired and I wound up having a panic attack all day long and even in my sleep. I was on Fluvoxamine but I had to stop due to all the stress that it caused me yesterday. It did really work for my paranioa though. I am paranoid about basically everything.
I have a thing with locks and the fact that I can't stop thinking that there is always some one in my house. I always have to check my closet before I go to bed and even when I do, I am still convinced that some one is in there waiting to kill me and my family. I have even been afraid of my own dad poisoning my food at dinner and or shooting me when everyone is asleep. My dad is the greatest dad anyone could ever ask for and he and I are close and I don't know why my brain comes up with these horrible things and why I believe them. It's the same with my brother. He is almost 17 and is really sweet and would never hurt me, yet I sometimes think that he is going to kill all me and my family when we are asleep. I just don't get it.
I am very afraid of men because I always think that they are going to rape me or kidnap me. (strangers) I don't really trust anybody besides my family (even though with my thought distortions they can scare the living daylights out of me even though they don't do anything wrong)
I am also really afraid of dying and I am afraid to drive because I think that I will get into an accident. I sometimes think that the FBI/CIA are after me (I conjure up this huge story and believe every word of it) I think almost every single day that my room is bugged and some one is listening to me and everything I say and do.
I also think that I have this ROCD thing because I am super afraid about people leaving me and I always think that they will leave me. Like my best friend for example, she has another friend and I am always thinking that she is going to leave me for her other friend and never want to hang out with me. I also always think that she is lying to me and is always with her other friend. I know that I am pathologically jealous, but my therapist says that it goes more along the lines with paranoia. Which makes total sense. And when she hangs out with her other friend, i just want to disappear and never talk to her again. I know it sounds bad but I can't help it. It is what I feel. So then I get really freaked out because I know that when I do have a boyfriend I am going to constantly think that he is cheating on me. I feel that way now, and I know I will later on as well.
I constantly argue with my sexuality as well. I know that I like men and that I am a tomboy and all but I always feel more like a man and this thought kills me because I love being a woman and I take pride in that but my thoughts will not stop saying that I am bisexual. I don't think that there is anything wrong with being gay at all, but I am having this war in my head and it won't go away.
Sorry this is so long I just got really into typing and I just want to know what you guys think. I am depressed and I am on lorazepam 1mg. I cry alot about all these things, more lately on my best friend leaving me more than anything though. I get really angry and sad and I feel compulsive do to harm to myself (though I haven't) This OCD diagnosis is all new to me but as I am learning more, I am very convinced that I have it. Any thoughts or advice would be nice. Thank you for taking the time to read this huge thing.
I can see that your in a really tough spot right now. I read everything you wrote, and all i see is a really sweet and articulate girl. I hope that one day, you will see this yourself and maybe the acceptance will ease your mind a bit.
I think that it's good for you that you now have the right support, and meds to help you on your way. Just remember, that only you can change things.
Keep fighting, to ask for help is the first step as they say
Thank you very much! I am really working on this whole thing with therapy and taking it very seriously. As for the ROCD thing, I am okay with her having other friends and overall i am happy that she has made another friend. I am coping with my own problems and it is working. as long as she is happy whatever she needs to do or whoever she needs or wishes to talk to i support it all the way. my own issues with trust need to be dealt with by me and only me and i realize that. i am just glad that i have a friend like her.
sorry rant hahaha!! anyways thanks again your post really made me feel better!! hope you are doing okay as well