Aviaja

Hi everyone,

I have this problem that's just haunting me all the time. Although its disguises change, and rears its ugly head in different situations.

I wanna know if anyone else has this problem. If not, maybe just some comforting words, then...

I really really have a hard time to connect with anyone. I avoid all kinds of deeper connections, although i occasionally want it, and feel like something is missing in my life. I have lots of friends, i can have deeper friendships, but they are also more manageable right. You decide when to see them and when not to. In (romantic) relationships you can't just leave when you feel like it. Some people call it being held accountable for your actions, but also feelings, and that feels like censorship to me. Being boxed in and restricted. But here's the twist, i want the restrictions, i feel lost without rules, i thrive in structure, but i also feel the walls caving in at the very thought.

So i have very shallow relationships with people who are lower in the social hirearchy or higher, just someone who won't commit either, or won't demand anything of me...especially me, the entire me. All they see is the fun, intelligent me, but not the obsessive neurotic me, and maybe that's what i feel is being restricted. It is so exhausting to keep pieces of yourself from the world, your whole life becomes an intermezzo of moments, memories, fragmented and then shattered when it all accumulates into anxiety and then disengagement, because i need the peace to pick up the pieces. Peace to structure my life with rituals again.

I've heard people say that they'll rather bleed, than to feel nothing at all. I know it's really taboo, but i feel that stormy relationships are scarier than nothingness. Maybe because nothingness is just nothingness with a sweet predictability and apathy to follow. No strings attached right. But this doesn't mean that i think its good or right. It doesn't exactly have that warm, fuzzy tinge to it.
I know that i'm missing out.

Does anyone else feel this. Feel that longer relationships is abruptive AND wonderful, but incredibly draining?

- Aviaja