Debilitating Jealous Thoughts Ruining All of My Relationships
I am having a real hard time recently with my OCD tendencies and my obsessive jealous thoughts are verging on ruining my current relationship. When I was younger I had obsessive tendencies that were manifested through my school work. I was, I guess you could say overly driven to be number one in my classes. I also had a few minor rituals when I was a kid, but they did not disrupt my life at all. Overall I was a very confident and happy kid growing up. Then when I was seventeen I had my first boyfriend. I was an only child and was extremely naive, and my parents were extremely generous people and treated him like he was part of the family. We didn't know that he had a criminal record of raping a girl at the age of seventeen, and was a complete sociopath. I was with him for 3 years and he was very controlling, manipulative and sexually abusive. He often made many comments about other women and compared my body to theirs in very crude ways, even if he claimed I was more attractive. After this relationship ended, it seemed to trigger severe depression and anxiety in me and exhausting obsessive jealous thoughts (especially and almost exclusively when I was in relationships). I saw a cognitive behavioral therapist and was put on a variety of antidepressants and finally now after three years have just come off of effexor XR. While I was in therapy I talked with my therapist about these jealous thoughts but not to a great extent and I was mainly treated for depression. I felt that I had conquered all my demons regarding this, but now that I have been off of the medicine for about 2 months I am experiencing these thoughts as intense as ever. I have the most loyal and trustworthy/kindhearted guy who I know loves me deeply and is even wanting to be there for me during this time, however I constantly have jealous thoughts of him thinking about girls as they walk by or developing feelings for someone else and leaving me. This is only a few of the thoughts that I have. When I think these thoughts I experience great rage and disgust and it usually causes me to lash out at him unfairly, which then makes me feel even worse about myself and feel tremendous guilt and wonder why and how he could ever want me. Even when I don't lash out at him and I try to overcome the jealous thoughts in my head it is unbearable and exhausting. Right now, I am trying a new method of "separating" myself from the "thinker" in me and simply watch the thoughts as they go by instead of believing in the thoughts and buying into them, however it is proving to be virtually impossible to control my thoughts in this way. I am hoping it is possible for me to overcome this without medication but I am doubtful right now. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world and I know he is the one and I feel horrible for putting him through this. I don't want to ruin another relationship because I can't get my thoughts and fears under control, because we both want to be together forever and feel as though our personalities click like soul mates. I am desperate and feel I cannot survive a life like this, feeling continually drained and panic-stricken. Can anyone relate to this or has anyone conquered this?