Talk about spot on!
I never realized what I was having was called ROCD, I figured it was just doubts that I am with the wrong person, but since I have been reading all of these boards I have realized that it is what I have!
And what you wrote is definitely so me!!
And even though all the signs point to the relationship being perfect, and that is what my dad, and friends, and psychologists and doctors say, and even though it seems certain that i have ROCD, I still wonder, "what if I'm wrong"? Wrong about my relationship, wrong about having ROCD/OCD. That thought is so scary... And I know that that in itself points to OCD! That is what is so messed up!
Not only do I second guess my decision to be with my boyfriend, but I second guess the real reason it is happening. The fear is always there! But I have felt a little bit better now that I have found the reason behind all of this, but it is difficult because there is not much help out there for this type of thing. For the obsessions with compulsive behavior yes, but ROCD is very different from anything else. And it is difficult because relationships are very personal things and at the end of the day no one else can tell you how you really feel.
But I think what people have been saying is very true-when you are anxious or upset you are not seeing the relationship for what it really is. But it is hard because when you are like that you cannot see anything else! It is hard for me right now because I am living in AL and my boyfriend of 3yrs is in NY. The whole time I was in NY with him I had doubts, but they waxed and waned and sometimes they would be nonexistent and then come back with a vegeance. When I first moved here I had no doubts about it and then they started coming back.
I also notice that when we are relaxing at home or doing physical activities like bowling or swimming, I get no doubts, but that when I am in high pressure dating situations like going out to eat, going to the movies, going on romantic walks, I start getting serious doubts because I am at the moment putting so much pressure on the relationship, to be absolutely perfect! Does anyone else do the same thing??
Also, I agree with the movies/books/songs thing...I can't watch/read/listen to certain books, and I always thought that it meant there was something wrong with the relationship but it's not true! Those things are a trigger for the obsessive thinking and it is like a death trap!
Notice in this novel of a post, that I am not talking about my boyfriend and my relationship, but more about the feelings that I am having...This is because it is not about him, and it is not about how our relationship really is-it is giving into these thoughts that makes one obsess and go crazy-because it is wonderful and perfect and all of the great things that is not the problem, the problem is my way of thinking about it and not seeing any of the good things. The relationship does not need to be changed! The patterns of thinking and internal anguish and obsession need to change!
The following user gives a hug of support to lexiecita:
Sorry for not responding sooner. I'm glad you found our link very useful and that you found us all together. Out of curiosity, how old are you? We are always here to help each other. You're right, it's not our relationship that is the problem but how our mind thinks about the negative. I know for me, it's very hard to ignore the thoughts and somedays I can't help but dwell. The only problem when you dwell is it makes the thoughts and anxiety that much stronger which then has a snowball affect : /
Having a long distance relationship can be hard on any relationship and good for you for making it work.
My sister, friends and psychologist also said it's fear and not my fiance. Fear is just so powerful that you can't control it somedays. I too am normally having no doubts when watching t.v with my fiance but yes, when it's time to go out and be social, that can affect my thoughts. I don't know why, but it does.
Well, before this post gets long I best go but please write back, I would love to hear from you again. Again, sorry for not responding right away. All I can say is try to take one day at a time, remember to take deep breaths and try to relax. I know, those things are all easier said then done. I struggle everyday with my "uncertain" feelings but I try to remember that it's just fear and anxiety and not him. I even tried doing a pros and cons list and my pros list was full and I could think of maybe 2 things ( little things at that) for cons but those cons are even things I could live with. That in itself proves that it's not him and it's just my thoughts out of control.
Thanks for the response!
It has been amazingly helpful to hear from so many people going through the same thing! It has been a nightmare trying to figure out what was going on in my head and resisting the urge to leave my great relationship!
I am 26, have been with my bf for 3 years and lived with him for 2 of those years.
Have you ever tried medication? My DR prescribed luxor an anti-depressant that is supposed to be good for people suffering from OCD but had horrible side-effects and in fact had a crappy struggle with anti depressants last year that I do not wish to re-visit.
Have you had help from therapy alone at all?
For some reason I have been having really good luck with thought control for the past 2 days. Hopefully because I am getting better? :-)
I still get doubts daily, but when I do I try to just put them out of my mind, which has never worked in the past but now it is almost like when you are thinking of one thing and something else pops into your head and you forget what you were even thinking about. I try to make myself do that. I try to make myself forget the thought. It is really scary doing this because I feel like maybe I am not facing something that I should be, but the result has been a real sense of clarity and a much better life than before! And when I think about whether I should launch in and deal with all of the things I am worried about with my relationship I just think about how that obviously has not worked in the past, just made me more depressed because I did not want to leave the relationship, so I might as well try something new.
What way of thinking has helped you?
How old are you and how long have you been with your fiance?
How does everyone has sufferers of ROCD feel about this excerpt from wikipedia purely-obsessional article?
Exposure and response prevention (ERP) of the "Pure-O" is theoretically based on the principles of classical conditioning and extinction. The spike often presents itself as a paramount question or disastrous scenario. A response that answers the spike in a way that leaves ambiguity is sometimes warranted. "If I don't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday my mother will die of cancer!" Using the antidote procedure, a cognitive response would be one in which the subject accepts this possibility and is willing to take the risk of his mother dying of cancer or the question recurring for eternity. No effort is expended in directly answering the question in an effort to find resolution. In another example, the spike would be, "Maybe I said something offensive to my boss yesterday." A recommended response would be, "Maybe I did. I'll live with the possibility and take the risk he'll fire me tomorrow." Using this procedure, it is imperative that the distinction be made between the therapeutic response and rumination. The therapeutic response does not seek to answer the question but to accept the uncertainty of the unsolved dilemma.
Does anyone feel like this can apply to us suffering from ROCD? Because to me to accept that I may be with the wrong person is counter-productive for me/us. What do you all think??
I don't take any medications and well, I refuse to. The psychiatrist I saw actually agreed that I don't need it. I do however take natural remedies that a NaturoPath told me to take. I find them helpful in keeping the anxiety down but I still have many flare ups. It can be very hard to control the thoughts. My sister actually helps me a lot with my thoughts. She knows me better then I know myself some days. She has been a great help for me and so have my friends. More or less that is my therapy along with my natural remedies that I take. Just talking helps a lot.
Unfortunately, we do have to accept the thoughts and say "whatever". We can't know everything, especially about our future. I understand what you mean about being counter-productive but I think it's just trying to say you can't give the thoughts power. The more we question the thoughts, the more strength they get and the harder time we have controlling them. Therefore, if we could just be like " what ever happens happens" it won't give the thought strength. Does that make sense? It's actually what you do when you said you try to just put the thoughts out of your mind, it's like "whatever".
I'm 28, I have been with my fiance for just over 5 years, got engaged Dec' 09 and we just moved into our house we bought about a week ago. I try my best to just ignore the thoughts. Some days it works and others it doesn't. I find I look for a lot of reassurance from my sister. When I find I'm losing control of my thoughts, I try to distract myself by doing something else for a few minutes or I try to meditate for about 5-10 minutes. Also, I do a lot of deep breathing.