| | Relationship and myself losing it, i'm not okay.. please help.
Hello everyone ...
So I REALLY need your help. I have this boyfriend, so in love with. He had moved and I flew to the other side of the country for him, before we got together. A week after we got together we went to the club and I drank WAY more than anyone should, to the point where I blacked out. I have almost no memory of the night.
He had left because his ride was leaving, and made sure I stayed with my best guy friend. He said he'd take care of me and I'd be okay. Well I vaguely remember going to his house and crashing on his couch with him. I do remember him taking care of me and me just crying wanting my boyfriend. When I woke up I freaked out and asked him hundreds of times if he hooked up or if we did anything. He was offended and said that he took care of me all night .. but I kept asking and hurt his feelings. (He is a really great guy, but wouldn't have lied even if something did happen) In my head I didn't believe it, I know I have intrusive OCD but I kept thinking WHAT IF? I would never even know if I had cheated or not... even if it wasn't this guy .. what if I had snuck off at the club and cheated. I know this is irrational. Where i'm from I would have heard about it .. someone would have told me. I would have felt different. But still WHAT IF? (cheating is something I am extremely against, I have loyalty tattooed on my wrist) .. but it's been weeks now. I keep asking my friend for reassurance, but it doesn't help. And he's getting annoyed with me because it's been hundreds of times. But I can't go on. I kind of told my boyfriend about my fear and he said if he did anything it would be rape and he wouldn't be mad at me.. But I still keep thinking WHAT IF i cheated and I knew what I was doing even though I was blacked out ..
I really just want to be able to go on and treat him amazingly like it was before.. but now I feel like i'm doing it because I DID do something wrong.. even though everyone says I didn't. I don't even get angry with him for things he does because I feel like I did something worse.
and now I feel so guilty all of the time - even looking at my boyfriend is hard. I carry the guilt of a cheater, I keep wondering how I'm ever going to go on and move in and marry him, when I feel like I have deceived him and I would be making his whole life a lie...
Please help me :'( I'm really not okay.
Last edited by tiahh; 11-17-2010 at 02:21 AM.