Is this OCD or Something else???
OK. I feel like Iím about to have a heart attack. Iíve posted on this forum before for advice but the anxiety is so severe right now. I need some help. Iím going to go see a councilor at my college this Friday so hopefully he can help me get some relief. Iím a 22 year old male who is in his junior year of college studying history and secondary education. Iíve suffered from moderate OCD since the age of 5: Afraid of getting cancer, afraid of parents dying, afraid of turning gay, etc. Iím mostly a ďpure-oĒ type and most of my compulsions involve reassurance seeking, checking on-line for information over and over again, counting rituals in the head and various repeating rituals like sitting down and standing up several times in a row or repeatedly getting in and out of bed, etc. I went through a break-up with a girl I really liked in August and since September Iíve had a truly distressing and frightening possible obsession going through my head. Iím afraid that Iím supposed to become a Catholic priest. Iím a practicing Catholic and I take my faith seriously. Iíve been asked by 4 priests over the last few years to consider going into the priesthood. I was asked this by a priest in September and since that time Iíve been asking myself if I REALLY want to get married or be a priest. At first it seemed mostly obvious that this was an obsession and that I wanted marriage since Iíve always wanted to get married and have always thought about having kids someday. The problem is that now I honestly have no idea what I want anymore! I donít know if I want marriage or the priesthood. Both seem attractive to me and I could probably do well in both areas. I get VERY nervous on dates with girls now. I like dating but I have a tremendous fear that I donít want to date anymore and that I only wanted a girlfriend as a sort of ďstatus symbolĒ and nothing more. Why the hell do I find the priesthood somewhat attractive? Am I kidding myself? ****! This is awful! I feel trapped, caught and very afraid. Why have I lost my desire for girls, I feel numb around them, like I have no more romantic feeling. I think Iím wanting to become a priest but I wish it wasnít so! God damn it, this is torture! Iím going to go insane! Why do I feel like I want the priesthood and donít want a wife? Do those priests see something in me that I donít? Am I kidding myself? Am I just afraid of never having sex even though it might not be that big of a deal? God, F my life! Iíve lost interest in most things that I once found enjoyable to do and I feel like Iíll never be my happy self again. Am I just afraid of the priesthood and I need to ďtake the plungeĒ or is this OCD? My mind and some of my feelings are saying that I want to be a priest and I feel afraid of getting married but I wish I didnít feel this way. OH THIS IS SO CONFUSING AND TORMENTING!!! Please, please help me!!!!!