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Old 12-15-2010, 09:06 AM   #1
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seekcalmness HB Userseekcalmness HB User
Constant doubt

I have been struggling so much lately. I have been constantly obsessing over past mistakes and whether the mistakes are not forgivable. Does anyone else feel like this? I have been frustrated because I have been so irritable lately, picking arguments with my significant other, ect. I sometimes obsess about the meaning of life and sometimes why things seem so meaningless yet so meaningful-like obsessing about the shortness of life. I obsess about death, in many forms. My mom died a little over a year ago and maybe this has contributed to my fear of death. This recent obsession seems so stupid but I recently moved into a new apartment and keep worrying about whether something bad has happened in here prior to me living here (ie. someone dying, ect). I felt embarassed even typing that, like wow that thought is so stupid-but it seems so real to me! These thoughts also cause images of the bad event in my head. It has been consuming my days over the past week or so.

I am constantly worrying about my self-presentation and how I come across to others. I constantly worry that I might offend someone by accident or that I am really a bad person who does not care about others. For example, if I have a thought that is not caring about someone I kind of analyze myself for what kind of reaction I had to the thought. Did I really want that to happen and sometimes I think that I do. I was taking meds and I stopped because I hate being on medication and I can't afford it right now. I recently went back to school and lost my insurance (in the process of trying to get new insurance).

I also have a terrible tendency to think that I'm not OCD and just a weak person. For example, I am not the typical OCD (no major compulsions)-but am an obsessive & anxious person. Anyone who wants to share any similar experiences, I would definitely welcome it!

seekcalmness

 
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Old 01-08-2011, 06:24 AM   #2
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Re: Constant doubt

I have the same issues when depression creeps in my life. My mind won't stop thinking about mistakes I've made and what a terrible person I am. I am constantly thinking about all the things I've done wrong and basically tryng to prove I am a bad person with all of those things in my brain. I've dealt with depression/anxiety since I was 19. I've tried coming off meds multiple times..without luck. The constant obsessing is all part of OCD/anxiety/depression that is treatable. I chalk it up to messed up brain chemistry (huge family history of depression)..and I am one of the most positive people I know! If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Today, I wrote down what I fear, what I learned from my mistake(s) and the best way to deal with it in the future..I've run my mistake by a friend at work and she said it's no big deal...I am harder on myself than the average person...definitely... I do feel better this morning after writing it down. naming the problem is the first step but honestly, without meds I can't think straight, it gets all jumbled in my brain and I can't think rationally. Constantly have a fight or flight feeling. Depression/anxiety/ocd all come from the same brain chemicals that can become imbalanced so unfortunately i have all of those symptoms combined when I relapse. I forgot to take my meds a bunch of times in Dec and I am fighting my way back from all those bad feelings. (obsession about mistakes and stuff.) You are not alone with your feelings. It's a terrible place to be. I am going through the same thing but trying to keep things in perspective is hard without medication at least in my situation. I don't know why it happens to me, all I know is the suffering isn't worth trying to do it by myself..My kids and family suffer when I'm not feeling good. It's actually nice to hear I am not alone with obsessing about mistakes, but it's the ultimate neverending punishment, isn't it? awful. You dont' have to do repetetive things to have some aspect of OCD..it's just all done in our brains...been dealing with this a long long time. I encourage you to see a doctor who will focus on symptoms..and not the specific thoughts.. (mind racing, obsessing, anxiety, feeling unworthy).. hope you feel better soon.

 
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Old 01-29-2011, 04:27 PM   #3
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Re: Constant doubt

I have the same thoughts of death..I am constantly fearing something bad is going to happen...It wears me out!

 
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Old 02-16-2011, 07:29 AM   #4
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seekcalmness HB Userseekcalmness HB User
Re: Constant doubt

Thanks everyone for responding. It's been a little while since I was last on here. Sometimes I think we have to be bigger than these thoughts. I hate obsessing about death though...it is a dark, sad place to go in my mind. I never used to obsess too much about death...

Hope you are all well

 
Old 02-20-2011, 01:44 AM   #5
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teethandtoes HB User
Re: Constant doubt

Thanx for posting this. I am feeling like this lately. I am not on meds- I never have been. Well I tried antidepressants about 10 years ago but I didn't notice a difference.

I guess I will just ramble a bit in case there is something of value and maybe it will help me too. This obsession/anxiety is often about physical symptoms that actually are real problems but i know in my heart that I overblow them in my mind. Out of fear. I also think about dying but lately more about growing old and what it is going to be like to be sick. I used to have a pretty good job with lots of responsibility but I worried all the time that I might make a mistake that would end up hurting someone. It was the type of job where there was never a definitive answer to my work- but I always sought one anyway- I needed one and couldn't get one and it drove me nuts. Fear again. I quit that job and got a hugely less stressful job (that pays a lot less) and feel sad about that but sort of at peace. That was 8 years ago. Not a day goes by without thinking about getting a more challenging job again but I just never seem to get there.

I first felt like this when I was about 8. I would lie in bed at night and obsessively go over the school homework list- worried that I forgot something. My father died when I was 6 and I was present- he had a heart attack and fell down the stairs and it was all very traumatic. He had his first heart attack 2 weeks before I was born and my mother was freaked out ofcourse, so that may have had an effect on me as an infant. Also, my mother was quite punishing.

I coped with alcohol and got a university degree. I smoked 1.5 packs a day. The last thing anyone with anxiety should be doing!!!! I quit drinking and smoking and felt 75% better I swear to God. Quitting smoking was the turning point for me. I also changed my diet. I eliminated all trans fats and started eating a lot of fish- salmon in particular. I placed sleep as my first priority above ALL else. Work/money came second but just enough to manage. Quality food came third. Exercsie came fourth. Socializing came 5th. I guess- I am just listing it out now. The food and exercise made a HUGE difference.

So with a less stressful job, lots of sleep, quality food, exercise and omitting alcohol and cigartettes I'd say I was 95% normal- whatever normal is. If a "crisis" occured I would feel the anxiety and obsessive rumination again and get all befuddled for a few days, but with only isolated crisises of short duration, I was ok- say one a year. I have been great for 8-10 years at least.

Since this summer I have gotton a lot worse. It is because I am having foot troubles. I have been to many professionals and I am not getting better. In my heart I think it is generic plantar fasiitis but looking for that definitive answer again and I am literally driving myself crazy. And because I work on my feet, I have had to cut back on work, which not only increases my money fears but gives me more time to obsess! And I can't really exercise- so another part of my program breaks down. And I feel like I am sinking deeper and just can't snap out of it. I really shudder at how I might be reacting if this was a more serious condition- like cancer. Wow, I might be a total basket case.

So- where am I going wrong? Maybe not enough socializing. Too much posting on internet forums. Not enough responsibilities to meet. I think one key to the obsessing/anxiety is keeping busy and being around people. Maybe. I guess just "balance" and some good luck.

 
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Old 02-22-2011, 03:37 PM   #6
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Re: Constant doubt

Thanks so much for your response to my post...have you tried buspar for anxiety...it has helped me control a lot of my obsessing....i am also on lexapro....calming the mind with Gods peace is what I pray for daily....

 
Old 02-23-2011, 11:42 AM   #7
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Re: Constant doubt

Hi i'm new on this board but I can relate to alot of what you wrote here. I too obsess about everything especially death and whether or not I will have the ability to cope. Lately I will pick a thing to obsess on for a while. For example I will order things online and obsess about when they will be delivered. I also have started taking pictures of things just so that I will remember them later so my mind won't create "false memories." I also question the meaning of my life and existence. I have had almost every type of OCD I know about and it comes and goes. It was gone for awhile but now it has come back full force. I don't know what I can do to control it.

 
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