am I using ROCD as an excuse?
Hi everyone, I dont know were to begin but I just found out about ROCD two days ago and it completly rang true for all my past relationships. The thing is that I dont know if I just had two bad relationships, if I am just confused or if I really have ROCD..
I've had two relationships so far and I'll give you a brief explanation of each hoping it may be of some use.
My first girlfriend was an old friend of mine for 4 years, then we became neihbours and a week after we got involved. I was soo happy and madly in love, but then a couple of days later I just got this heavy feeling in my stomach that I didnt love her and it actually made me feel sick at times. It just got worse and worse, untill the point that I broke up with her, only a week after we got together. I went away for the weekend to see some friends, and when I came back, I realized I hade made a huge misstake and that she was the love of my life so we got back together. A week later AGAIN I begun to have these very same feelings pop up. Now I thought that I was really in love with her sister (she came to visit the same week), and I saw all of the amazing quallities in her and I started to have this strong feeling of guilt that I was comparing the two of them and seeing her sister as a "beter version of her" and I freaked out and told my girlfriend that maybe I was in love with her sister cause I felt like I was lying to her. We broke up the same day, it was a real emotional mess...
We stayed friends and then a couple of months later I get back togehter with her AGAIN! Feeling the same thought, that I had made a huge misstake and left the love of my life. Then AGAIN after a couple of days, I get that heave feeling in my stomach that I maybe dont love here, it gets wors and worse and a week after I break up again...this time we didnt remain friends and she cut all the contact with me wich sent me down the road of depression
My second relationship, wich I am still in now. It took on almost the EXACT same pattern! First couple of weeks I was madly in love, then we both starded school in different cites and it turned into a long-distance relationship. First couple of times we saw eachother on the weekends was amazing but then as she left to get back to her school, and Im all alone, I started to feel the same feelings as before, I felt like I wasnt in love, like I was lying to her. I again started to compare my relationship to others, comparing my girlfriend with other women and obsessing about all of the amazing women that was out there and that I hade picked the wrong one pecause I was scared to be alone...and I thought that if I felt these feelings that it was my obligation to DO SOMETHING about it, because it shouldnt feel this way in a relationship. I had these terrible feelings every hour of every day to the point I finally convinced my self that I must end it and did so after we had been together for 4 months (over a long distance). I couldnt give her a good explanation to why I was ending it except that I "wasnt feeling it anymore". After I went home that day I broke down, I was so depressed that I hade broke her heart and a couple of hours later I realized that I had made a huge misstake. I went to her place and talked with her and I made up an excuse to what I now realize might be ROCD, I told her that I was afraid of all the pressure that I felt that I had to know if she was "the one". After that talk, we got back together, and the first week went allright, then hell broke loose again and now I feel completely out of love and that heavy feeling in my stomach is probably again here to stay...
The things that makes me question if this is really ROCD is:
-I dont believe I have OCD
-When I go into the “I-dont-love-her-mode” I cant snap out of it and it just keeps on going
-I really feel during these times that Im with the wrong person and that I would be happier with someone els
-In my mind I seem to have really logical explanations for everything thats happening
-I might just been having two realationships that werent right
-Im just a bad guy that is unable to stand by his descisions and is afraid to be alone
this is a real ****** mess in my head and I would be very greatfull if someone could help me
Last edited by Ugglan; 01-04-2011 at 11:27 AM.