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Old 03-02-2011, 09:21 PM   #1
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Need advice

I see the boards here are not to active, but I am desperate for help.. so I will give this a shot. My boyfriend of almost two years.. has suddenly become obsessed with my past, he did not tell me about his ocd untill 4 months ago..

Before I say what is going on, I feel lead to say, that for the entire time I have know him * until now, I was not aware of any real issue, other than the bleaching of his hands.. not wanting to touch anything etc.. But I mean he was always kind, loving, supportive of me.. I mean I am talking about a guy that would sing me to sleep.. many many nights he did this to calm me..

I convinced him to go see a specialist and he is on medication at this moment.. but it is not helping him.. Dr says it could be 5 more weeks before he will notice any effects.. I honestly do not know if we can make it 5 more weeks..

the reason I am coming here.. is that I can not find any support groups for people who deal with people who have ocd.. and I wanna help him.. calm him.. he is so out of control and I do not know how to reach him.. if I answer his questions it will lead to another question.. if I do not he hates me.. calls me names.. threatenes to kill himself I don't know how to cope.. how to help him.. and I am so stressed out I am always crying..

He is horrible but I know this is not him.. it is like day and night, the diffrence in him

and how can I just forget all he did for me.. I know in my heart that if I was the one with ocd... he would do all he could to help me

If someone could just point me in the right direction where I could get help, I would appreciate it..

Thank you for your time

 
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Old 03-05-2011, 09:29 AM   #2
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Re: Need advise

can anyone help me with this ? please

 
Old 03-15-2011, 11:37 AM   #3
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Re: Need advise

Im no expert at all in anything, but i think that you should let him know you accept and understand his problem. Let him him know that everything is oki in any way keeping him calm will help a lot. Keep him seeing the doctor and on meds it could definitely help.

 
Old 03-15-2011, 12:58 PM   #4
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Re: Need advise

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyDarkSide View Post
Im no expert at all in anything, but i think that you should let him know you accept and understand his problem. Let him him know that everything is oki in any way keeping him calm will help a lot. Keep him seeing the doctor and on meds it could definitely help.
Thank you for your kindness in responding I am trying to let him know I am there for him, and that I understand his issue. Been reading up about ocd, the problem is that in the beginning about 4 months ago.. I was far less understanding.. I wish I had those months to redu all over again, knowing then what I know now.

My hope is to find a good support group, where I can get more info on how to help me.. help him better. I find alot of info on the issue but not so much on how to support a loved one with ocd.

 
Old 03-15-2011, 01:21 PM   #5
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Re: Need advice

hi just come onto this site today and been so moved by so many of the stories...I hope I can help you in a couple of ways...
Firstly because I suffered OCD for 15 years until only recently and secondly because it sounds like YOU need some aswell, sounds like your relationship is really struggling due to your boyf and his OCD. Its really important to keep yourself happy and not get too drained by his problem. I know you want to help him but you also need to stay healthily detached because otherwise your own health will suffer and then youlle both be in a bad place. His obsession with your past could possibly be OCD related or perhaps just insecurity and deep rooted jealousy. he may feel so worthless due to his OCD that he wonders what on earth you could see in him. Perhaps he feels youlle get fed up and go off with someone else, but it doesnt mean you should get interrogated all the time. I know from experience that when people push the boundaries with us they carry on until we take charge of it. I think you need to be quite strong with him and that means being firm. I know you want to be loving and sensitive but what he may need is some tough love. For instance next time he asks about your past boyfs etc try and calmly say 'Babe, I find it a bit boring talking about my past, Im so excited about our future so cant we concentrate on that. ' If he throws a tantrum dont start crying or get sucked in, give him a hug and reassure him that you love him but that you dont think him dwelling on your past is healthy or helping him. If he continues to be unreasonable stick to your guns and change the subject or give him a bit of space to realise that he cant manipulate you like this. Perhaps he is trying to punish himself by imagining your past or perhaps he is seeking reassurance. Either way it isnt your job to save him, he needs to start getting better himself. My OCD only got better when I changed my lifestyle, I started exercising and found myself too busy to overthink everything, it also made me more confident and got my endorphins flowing. I do relaxation and spend time doing things I enjoy so I always have something weekly to look forward to, Im not suggesting you get your boyf to start yoga (a leotard may not be the answer!) but try and encorage him to get some new interests and do nice things together. It is however also important you have time to yourself, dont be blackmailed into never leaving his side. You being his girlfriend and supporting him should be enough to make him eventually realise that you love him, you dont need to keep proving it all the time, just be there when you can for him.
If he needs to talk to someone the doctor or a counsellor may need to be really told the extent on both of you before they really take it seriously.
Has he tried any natural therapies like St Johns wprt or agnus castus, is he on any medication from the doctor.
I really cant stress enough how exercise and healthy diet can help (also no drugs or excessive drinking, sorry to be boring!) eating well and having fun.
Please dont let his moods get to you too much, talk to people when you need to and ask for help when you need it. Remember youre still young and should be enjoying life too, reply if you need.x

 
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Old 03-15-2011, 02:28 PM   #6
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Re: Need advice

You have really touched me with your kind reply, cause it is almost like you know him.. everything you have said here, is exactly almost word for word what he has been telling me himself. He is very insecure and he does always worry I am gunna run off and leave him because he is sick.. and because he cant see what I see in him.

He has told me he is jealous, he tells me he says the things he does to try to manipulate me into answering the questions.. he has told me I have to be strong and resist.. this is when he is being logical? not sure of the word to use there.

But it is really hard to remain detached when he is having a bad day, with the things he says etc. Hard to not answer the questions and such.. when he becomes so agressive. (in mood, i do not believe he could actually hurt a fly.)


But reguardless... words do hurt. I find myself regreting ever having a life at all before him... so that I have nothing he can find upsetting about my past at all, that will make him like this.

There is a part of me that knows you are right. That I need to remain strong, and i need to let him alone when he is like this. But I am scared if I do.. he will really leave, and i don't want him to be gone from my life forever.

 
Old 03-16-2011, 11:29 AM   #7
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Re: Need advise

I truly wish you luck for this dealing with OCD is very very difficult and when you have it its very hard to trust people when you have a certain type. I myself have some symptoms of OCD intrusive thoughts about hurting people and a slight case of paranoia. very hard to trust anyone, but if your there for him as much as needed and reassure him about your feelings he might come around. A support group may be found online if all else fails.

 
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Old 03-18-2011, 02:57 AM   #8
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Re: Need advice

ah bless you, thanks for writing back, I totally get the situation your in...and in a weird way its like he does too (when hes being the rational him!)
Do you think that therapy together may help, you and him going to a counsellor who will speak to both of you.
I sense you feel massively responsible for his well being and thats totally understandable when you love someone. hes so lucky to have you and im sure that when hes not in one of his 'moods' he is a loving and kind person.
I still worry for you though, you are so young with such a lot of life still up for grabs and hopefully you will get everything you want out of life and I think you will with your smart attitude. I think its so sad that you wish your past was wiped out so that he didnt feel jealous of it. Your past made you who you are, kind, caring and loyal. You cant and shouldnt change who you are, he fell in love with you as you are.
I think you need to be really strong and continue to support your boyf (unless it gets too hard, then you are well within your rights to have a time out !) but make sure that YOU have someone to talk to aswell. You are so important and if this relationship starts to eat away at your lovely personality then who knows what problems that could bring you later in life...
Would it be possible to have just a few hours a week that you enjoy yourself with friends, blow off steam and enjoy being young and carefree...you need this so much and you mustnt feel guilty for admitting that YOU need to live life. OCD isnt your burden hun its his so dont let it gain control of you too.......please write again ...look forward to it, Katyx

 
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:29 AM   #9
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Re: Need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katy1978 View Post
ah bless you, thanks for writing back, I totally get the situation your in...and in a weird way its like he does too (when hes being the rational him!)
Do you think that therapy together may help, you and him going to a counsellor who will speak to both of you.
I sense you feel massively responsible for his well being and thats totally understandable when you love someone. hes so lucky to have you and im sure that when hes not in one of his 'moods' he is a loving and kind person.
I still worry for you though, you are so young with such a lot of life still up for grabs and hopefully you will get everything you want out of life and I think you will with your smart attitude. I think its so sad that you wish your past was wiped out so that he didnt feel jealous of it. Your past made you who you are, kind, caring and loyal. You cant and shouldnt change who you are, he fell in love with you as you are.
I think you need to be really strong and continue to support your boyf (unless it gets too hard, then you are well within your rights to have a time out !) but make sure that YOU have someone to talk to aswell. You are so important and if this relationship starts to eat away at your lovely personality then who knows what problems that could bring you later in life...
Would it be possible to have just a few hours a week that you enjoy yourself with friends, blow off steam and enjoy being young and carefree...you need this so much and you mustnt feel guilty for admitting that YOU need to live life. OCD isnt your burden hun its his so dont let it gain control of you too.......please write again ...look forward to it, Katyx
Thank you for your kind words.. I wish I had good news to share back with you .. apperantly he just does not want me in his life atm. I tried taking a break.. kicked back played some Halo with my bestfriend, and he started saying a bunch of really horrible.. non true things to me, then told me he hated me and did not want to ever see me again.

I am really devistated.. I wanna be there for him, but he just does not want me around him anymore, keeps saying it is best for me. but I can't help but feel my best interests do not really matter anymore.

He feels he just can not get over my past .. and I can not change who I am ..

I just do not know what to do anymore, and it is so hard to just have someone complletely change, and turn on me. I am nothing like what he imagines, in reality. But he will not believe anything I say

Thank you for all of your help. Hugs, Jossil

Last edited by J0ssil; 03-18-2011 at 11:36 AM.

 
Old 03-18-2011, 11:34 AM   #10
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Re: Need advise

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyDarkSide View Post
I truly wish you luck for this dealing with OCD is very very difficult and when you have it its very hard to trust people when you have a certain type. I myself have some symptoms of OCD intrusive thoughts about hurting people and a slight case of paranoia. very hard to trust anyone, but if your there for him as much as needed and reassure him about your feelings he might come around. A support group may be found online if all else fails.
I believe you are right, he does not trust anything I say anymore.. I don't even see a hope that it will change at any point in the future. The medication is not helping, feels more like he is worse if anything.

I wanna be with him and I would support him and love him till the day I die. But he just does not want that anymore. so I feel it is best to just back away from this situation for now. Thanks for the help though. Just having people to talk to makes me feel better.

 
Old 03-18-2011, 12:40 PM   #11
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Re: Need advice

If it really has become too much for you to bear then its best you stop and chill for a bit and then if you feel like your able come back later.. if he doesn't want you around him then let him cool off for a bit as well.

 
Old 03-19-2011, 11:04 AM   #12
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Re: Need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyDarkSide View Post
If it really has become too much for you to bear then its best you stop and chill for a bit and then if you feel like your able come back later.. if he doesn't want you around him then let him cool off for a bit as well.
Someday's it is almost overwhelming, cause the questions can go on for 6 to 8 hours.. Others I feel stronger, He is pushing me away and pulling me back in everyother day. I know that he has a terrible illness, one that would be difficult to deal with for anyone.

However somedays I can't help but to wonder.. ok then, he is sick.. but why does he have to be mean? Manipulative.. angry.. when he knows this is his issue, and he knows what he is thinking is not logical? and I am not picking on him.. cause he flat out tells me on good days he knows! >_<

I do not really want to be away, but I can't help but wonder if it would be better .. just to clear his head a bit. I mean if I am not answering questions.. he is not going to get stuck, right?

Maybe, if we are not constantly dealing with my past issues on a daily basis.. he will start to remember Our past.

I just don't know. kinda feel parilized like any decision I make could be catastrophic.

all I know is... like today, he is telling me he loves me, that was never a problem. but he does not wanna be with me. yet he is sending me love picts to my fb.. and hearts and such.. so for someone who says he wants to be away. he is not actually leaving.

Just makes me more confused than ever.

Last edited by J0ssil; 03-19-2011 at 11:06 AM.

 
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