can't shake this
i'm a freshman in college and made out with another guy (who i wasn't attracted to) two weeks into dating my boyfriend. it was a stupid mistake after a night of drinking and probably the worst thing i've ever done and completely against my morals. i've never done anything like that before and i never will again. at the time i felt really insecure about our relationship and that i cared more for him than he did for me. the make out was i think, in a way, my screwed up way of proving to myself i didn't need him, and that i would be ok without him if he left. i was tired of feeling defined by my (at the time unrequited) love for him...well, we're much closer now and have a deep, mutual love. i recently told him about my indiscretion and he forgave me and said he understands.
the problem is i can't forgive myself and move on...it's almost like telling him made me feel worse. it brought up the old feelings of shame and guilt. i feel like i'm stuck and can't love him the way he deserves because of this crippling guilt. he asked to not hear details because they hurt so i didn't tell him them....but do you think i'd feel better if i did? he also asked me to forget about it and let it go because he has, but i can't. i still feel this overwhelming remorse and disgust at myself and like i'm too 'broken' (sorry to be a cliche!) by this to offer him good, strong love. should i tell him more details? should we take a break until i get over this? i have this crazy compulsion to confess. i was over it but now it's back with a vengeance. what should i do? and feel free to lecture me about what an awful person i am, but it's nothing i haven't already told myself. and thank you for the help.