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Old 04-23-2011, 09:01 AM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Englan
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scubadeb HB User
Relationship OCD

Hi

I am new to this board and have ready with absolute relief and happiness that there is such a condition called Relationship OCD. If someone out there could read my story and please help me I would be forever in your debt.

Thank you so much to Cozimafighta whose post and threads I have just read and literally sobbed my heart out because I am just about ready to kill myself because of the disgusting, horrendous, hurtful, feelings I am having about my husband.

Every single thing that has been said is precisely what I am going through and unbelievably have been for years and had no idea what caused it.

It all started when I was about 16 and was going out with my boyfriend. One day I woke up and just had these strong feelings that I didnt love him any more. They were so strong and made me really ill and I remember going home and breaking down in tears to my mum and telling her how I felt and how upset I was about it and didnt know why I was feeling like this but had to break up with him. At the time it was short lived and only lasted about a week and we ended up back together, getting married and spent about 12 years together. The same intrusive thoughts did occur once or twice during our marriage but at the time I must have handled it much better as again they were short lived. We did eventually break up but it had nothing to do what so ever with intrusive thoughts like I am having now.

I met my current husband 16 years ago and as I am writing this I am having real trouble believing the Relationship OCD exists because I am in such a state over it and am convinced that my feelings are true. About 7 years ago I literally woke up one morning and had this overwhelming feeling of panic and anxiety and it was all centred around my husband. I felt I didnt love him anymore, didnt find him attractive and completely fell apart. It was the most upsetting hiddious thing for me to think about the person I loved so much. To have to tell the person you love so dearly that you think you dont love them anymore was heartbreaking for me and for him. I kept telling him I dont know why Im having these thoughts but that I knew they wasnt true and I truely didnt want us to split up. He did find it very hard at the time. I had to take a month of work and was on antidepressents for about a year. For a long time I felt as though there was a pot inside me with a lid that kept on threatening to blow any minute but was just about stopping it from exploding with all the unwanted feelings again. Eventually I felt well enough to come off the antidepressents and for a long time had to supress the feelings from coming to the top again but managed to do it successfully and carry on with a happy fulfilling life with my hubby. The feelings disappeared probably for a about 2 years although I never let a day go by without thinking about it or thinking that it could come back any minute. I thought if I thought about it all the time then this would stop the shock being so bad if and when it happened again. And happen again it has.

My happiness and relief of finding this web site about Relationship OCD was short lived (why did I think that just because I can put a tag on this evil disease that it would go away!!) I am sat here with the most terrifying waves of panic and anxiety that just wash over me and makes my body burn so much because I dont think I love my husband any more. Just typing these words fills me with fear and dread like Ive just admitted to myself that it is true when I know deep down it isnt. I was so happy just a matter of weeks ago, looking forward to a nice break at Easter and then followed by a two week holiday in the sun.

It all started about 6 weeks ago. The company my husband works for wasnt doing very well and he was told that he would either be layed off or he could go and work in Gatwick (which is about a 6 hour drive one way from where we live). This meant he would be away from home Monday to Friday only coming home at weekends. I was devasted. The morning he left I sobbed in his arms and couldnt bear it. It was only supposed to be for 3 or 4 weeks but it turned out to be 11 in total. I nearly fell apart during the first couple of weeks and found it very difficult to cope without him. Every Sunday when it was time for him to go I would start getting upset and understandably my husband was a bit annoyed and said I had to be strong because otherwise it would make him upset. I eventually got used to it but hated the fact that I was being forced to live, what was in effect a single life from Monday to Friday. We both got excited when Friday came around and I would fling myself at him when he walked through the door I was that happy to see him. When he eventually came home after 11 weeks I remember him being very quiet because it meant him going back to his original place of work which he wasnt very happy about and he was constantly on his phone playing games or talking to his friends and I felt really put out that he wasnt all over me and how easy we just fell back into a routine and BAM it hit me. Oh I mustnt love him any more if thats the case. I did manage to keep them feelings at bay for a while but then one morning about 2 weeks later I got up one morning and felt extremely exhausted, literally like the life had been sucked out of me. I struggled getting up at 6.00am to do a full days work but dragged myself in anyway. Everyday I would come home and just have to go and lie on the bed because I felt so exhausted. At this point I wasnt really having any unwanted thoughts maybe just feeling agitated and like I needed to be on my own. I thought maybe I had a virus of some sort.

Anway the feelings of exhaustion just went on and on for weeks and every morning I would wake up, go downstairs to make my breakfast and by this time I realised that I felt no better than the day before so I started worrying about it and getting anxious and stressed and then the feelings of tightness came into my chest like someone was sitting on me but I carried on and I carried on. At the same time I had a tooth infection and was taking antibiotics for that and I noticed after a few days of taking them that I started feeling really down and it just kind of spirraled from there. The unwanted thoughts started trying to creep into my head so I panicked even more, worried even more, stressed even more, my chest felt tighter until one week ago I could take it no more and broke down in floods of tears

I told my husband how I was feeling but omitted to tell him about the feelings I had for him because I didnt want to upset him again.

I cannot tell you how ill I am. I couldnt go in work for the last week and am back on antidepressents which are making me feel a hundred times worse. My exhaustion has got worse, I cant sleep and when I do if I wake up in the night the first thing that pops in my head is how I feel about my husband and the overwhelming feelings engulf me and I just want to die. I cant eat and am losing weight which I cannot afford to do because I am only skinny in the first place. I dont think the antidepressents are doing me any favours (Citalopram - 20mg) as they make me feel agitated, restless, scared they are just awful.

I am actually always being told that I have OCD for various reasons but would just like to say (and it nearly kills me to admit it) that I have actually had unwanted thoughts about not loving my children, or not loving them enough and wishing I had never had them. I have also become obsessed with my new grandson who is now 8 months old. I am convinced that no one can look after him better than me (not even his own mum) and I cant bear to hear him cry. Myself and my husband look after him a lot and he stays the night every other weekend and I barely let my husband get a look in. I actually now get upset when I think about him, its so irrational. His mother looks after him fine and I have no reason to think like this. I nearly had to take the pictures down of my desk at work because I couldnt bear looking at him because it upset me so much.

Please please could someone post here and tell me how they coped with their Relationship OCD and what, if any, medication helped them. Also do I need to see a psychiatrist specialising in Relationship OCD?

Thanks to everyone who listens - I am desprete.

 
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