Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
I just recently discovered these highly populated message boards about OCD and relationships in a time of crisis and have found them really encouraging because it makes me feel less alone.
I've hit a really really hard spot in my relationship due to my obsessive thoughts. It all started roughly three weeks ago where I genuinely just felt something snap... like a light switch... and suddenly I found myself consumed by these thoughts and doubts.
The thoughts and doubts have ranged from "Am I unhappy in my relationship?" "Am I bored?" "Am not ready for such a serious commitment?" "Is this what I want or is it just the idea of it that pleases me?" "Have I ever been happy in this relationship" and then once I remind myself that YES I was the happiest I'd ever been just a month ago.... I ask myself "Is it possible to ever be that happy again?"
I've always suffered from obsessive thoughts. I can remember such experiences from my early childhood onward. They've manifested in different ways.... usually consuming thoughts and sometimes ritualistic behavior.
This is the first time I've been in a really serious relationship so its the first time I've had these sort of obsessive thoughts and doubts. In past, less serious relationships, my obessive thoughts were about whether the guy actually liked me or not. With this however.... its different.
I love my boyfriend so much. He's truly the most kind spirited and honest people I've ever met. I've never trusted another person as much as I trust him. And he's gorgeous and funny. A month or two ago my love for him was all I could think about.
And now ALL I can think about ALL day is "Do I want this or not?"
On some level I know I do. And yet on another level I tell myself that maybe what I WANT isn't actually what I want. Maybe this is all my subconcious trying to tell me something I'm not aware of?
Its gotten to the point where I honestly can't trust my own thoughts. I am scared to be alone because all I do is sit and think about it. When I talk to friends it always turns into a conversation about these obsessive thoughts. I find myself hoping for a piece of knowledge or validation that will ease my worries in every encounter. Any piece of music or film or whatever triggers the thoughts and I seriously feel out of control.
I started seeing a therapist because I thought that maybe I am depressed but I am beginning to feel its bigger than that. I think it may be OCD related.
Even when I subside the crazy thoughts for a moment, another voice pipes up and begins to question whether HE really likes me or whether HE can sense all I'm going through and whether my energy I've created will run him off.
We've been open about what I'm going through to some degree but after some emotional break downs I'm trying to at least go one week without crying and screaming in front of him.
I want to get on medication for OCD but I can't afford to see a doctor just yet.
I am feeling terrified of how much longer these feelings will last and terrified of what it might do to what I consider to be a really really really really important relationship.
Is it possible overcome these doubts? Is it possible to get back to the relationship that was making me feel SO good?
Any advice? Help?
It feels good to vent.