hearts10

hey guys
i was just loig on google if anyone else had intrusive thoughts and i found this website...sorry im my problem on ur thread but i really want u guys to comment/help me. so, i don't know if i have ocd, but around a year ago, i started getting this one throught that kept popping into my head whenever i thought or talking about my mom, later same thing happened when i thought or talked about my parents. i love my mom, i love my dad, and my bf. they're the most important thing in my life, and i would wanna die instead of letting on of them die. the same time it started , my mom had to leave to ukraine cuz my grandma was in coma (she's alive, thank God!)...i care about my family and care about them a lot, but these bad, crazy thoughts of me wanting them to die or some other bad things keep popping into my head. i don't want that. i know i don't! the thoughts are in the 1st person. i think about the point of being alive often,, i think that i think of death more than most ppl... sometimes, i dont feel like myself. i hear my thoughts but i don't seem to caer about anthing, feel no love for anybody.. today i went hiking my mom and i was looking at a cliff and saw myself falling from it and h ow the world would go on.. other days, i feel like myself, happy, but intrusive thoughts always come back.sometimes, when im with my bf, i start crying becase i'm scared of things not being this way anymore. i think this thing with my grandma had i big impact on me (i was and continue to be) very close to her, although she's back in ukraine. i've tried talking to my mom about all these things around 6 months ago, but she says that i'm fine and everything's fine, and i don't want her to be upset or worried. i can't afford a therapist, nor would i be comfortable telling someone everything that goes on in my mind. i feel soooooo guity for having those thoughts.. i don't mean them, and i don't want them. recently, around a month ago, when i see a knife, i have crazy thoughts .. when im cooking for my bf, i see mestabbing him. he's the best person in the world. he's my best friend, my everything, i would never ever do that. i've had this or a similar thought like 3 times, and it scares me soooo much. just when i hold i knife, i think of that...im sorry this is so long, but i really need ur imput or just support... i feel depressed sometimes, but it goes away. recently, i started thinking about my childhood and the things that i remember most vividly is my grandpa being physically and verbally abusive to my grandma and my mom (never to me), i remember hiding under the table, sitting in the kitchen while watching my grandma , my grandpa coming and hitting her with his fist across the face. i remember my childhood swing that angered him and the chaos of that day. i hate my grandpa, but the anger went away. i think that my crazy thoughts should be about him , if anything, not the ppl i love most in my life. also, im 21, so im going through the whole independency phase . i'm sorry i wrote so much... thank u guys in advance..