Re: mentally drained
Dear Friend, I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I understand what you're talking about. I too have suffered with horrible thoughts about loved ones that left me with so much guilt and shame that I thought there was no way out and that I'm the worst excuse for a person on the planet. But that isn't true and there is hope.
Please know you are not alone and you are very courageous for posting here. I understand about guilt and shame keeping us from being open about what's going on in our head. That's the last thing we want to do - actually verbalize these things. But, it really does help and starts giving you the power instead of the OCD. Once you therapist knows your struggles too, it will better enable them to tailor your treatment to be the most effective. The real key to finding relief is not making the thoughts stop, they won't, but working with your therapist to learn not to value the thoughts. To just view the thoughts as static that will pass. It may sound like that is an impossibility right now, but please just try to put trust in the fact that there is hope and you can do this no matter how hard it is.
I hope you can find some comfort in something here, just please know that you are not strange or bad, you have OCD and you don't have to do it alone. Strength and blessings to you...