Hey guys, I'm new here and I'm really, really scared. I don't know if something is seriously wrong with me, or what's happening, but I'm just going to jump right into it and breakdown my symptoms and let you guys decide what the hell is happening.
The back story: Before I was 16 I've had no symptoms of any clinical mental disorder. Long story short - After the initial panic attack I started feeling different and that is when my spree of symptoms started.
1. Depersonalization. - This ruined my life. If you've ever had DP you know what a horrible experience this is.
2. Depression - Depression followed the depersonalization and almost drove me to suicide. I still deal with depression today.
3. Severe Anxiety - I'm plagued by constant anxiety. Everyday I get "what if's?" everyday of my life is one giant "What if?"
Here are my symptoms on an in-depth scale. If these sound like OCD or something anxiety related PLEASE let me know.
A: I go through "fits" of severe germophobia. I won't touch door handles, I won't shake peoples hands, I hold my breath around large groups of people. I will CONSTANTLY wash my hands if I touch something I think might be unclean.
B: I go through "fits" of religious fear. I become so afraid of God and the Devil that I am CONVINCED that I'm going to hell and that ghosts and demons are after me. In these fits, I will sleep with a cross and a bible, even though I've never been religious. I will also think that supernatural creatures are after me and live in fear of being attacked.
C: I go through "fits" of severe hypochondria. When these "fits" happen I can 100% convince myself that I have cancer, Aids, a tumor, ect. I will visit the hospital in a panic once or twice in a period of a few months to get screened for cancer. I've convinced myself that I have blood poising, a brain tumor, lung cancer, oral cancer, broken bones. The list goes on. It gets so bad that I actually start "feeling" the symptoms of the illness I am in fear of having.
D: I weigh 139 pounds and I'm a 20 year old male. I constantly tell myself I need to lose weight and I'm fat and ugly. I CONSTANTLY think people are laughing at me and people hate me for something I've never done.
E: If I'm driving and I hit something in the road, I instantly think it was kid or an animal and it drives me insane if I don't go back and look. I was driving one night and I didn't even hit anything and randomly I started thinking " What if I hit somebody in the crosswalk and I just don't remember " I threw myself into such a panic I almost called the police on myself and reported a hit and run that NEVER occurred.
F: I would think I heard voices and I couldn't leave my house because I thought the voices would come back and everybody would think I was crazy.
G: I'm terrified of 6s and 9s. 6 is the number of the devil and anytime I see a 6 or a 9 I have a panic attack.
H: I sometimes think people look at me in disgust because I have some physical deformity in my face.
I'm so scared. Is this OCD?
Last edited by Administrator; 11-02-2011 at 05:45 PM.
Hey Audio, from what you describe it is most definitely OCD, those thoughts are disturbing you so much because you are fighting against them. The very reason that this thoughts or obsessions disturb you so much indicates that you are not gonna act upon them and that they are not your own desires it is OCD. First thing you must do is to accept them as OCD thoughts they are gonna be there but they cant hurt you they are just random, disgusting obsessions. If this obsessions comes to your mind just remind yourself that it is not you it is OCD and let it go, do not rationalize or resist over the thoughts, this makes the case much worse. Just let it go believe in yourself dont let OCD take over your live, I know it is hard but it can be done. I suggest talking to a OCD specialized therapist with experience on COgnitive Behavioral Therapy.
Hope this helps, and remind yourself that OCD is not you
Yes I have been through quite a few of those times that you mentioned. I went through depersonalization (occurs when anxiety gets absolutely terrible. I completely understand your different obsessions, and those are actually all very common obsessions, even the ones that scare you the most. Its also very common for your obsessions to change when something frightens you more than your previous obsession. Intrusive thoughts are so annoying! But just rest assured that they are only thoughts and the fact that they bother you so much means that you are not a terrible person (quite the contrary because bad people wouldnt even care about having those thoughts!). Thank you for sharing so many intimate details about yourself on here, that takes a lot of courage. Also, can I just say that I am so glad you are still here with us. This is a beatable disorder even though it can be absolutely terrifying at first. It does get better once you learn how to manage it and understand that this is NOT you, its all your disorder.
I'm glad I got a lot better with the help of medication and seeing a psychiatrist because now I realize it is always my disorder, its not ME. In my opinion, yes you most certainly have OCD and ask a psych to test you if you'd like to get a formal diagnosis. I am so glad you found this site to help you realize that you arent alone at all and we all struggle with it too. You can beat this. Please keep in touch and please see someone specifically for OCD issues, I got put on medicine and it really helped a lot. I now take 200 mg of Zoloft per day (I know that sounds like a TON!) but ive been told the recommended dose for OCD is 300 mg so I guess its not so bad and it really REALLY helps. I hope you start feeling a little better soon and I'll be thinking of you. I'm so sorry youre having to go through all of this, its something i wouldnt even wish on my worst enemy.
Take care, there are ways to beat this.
Last edited by Administrator; 11-02-2011 at 05:36 PM.
I just had such a hard time accepting that I have OCD, because I fear that if I try and make it better with medication and acceptance - I might learn I actually don't have OCD and I'm just a horrible person.
I feel like I'm stuck in such a vicious cycle. I live in constant fear and anxiety, yet I fear reaching out for help because I don't want to get help and it not work. I just want to live my life normally without fear .
I have a girl in my life, but my obsessions and fears are making it so hard. I start to get anxious and become fearful of my thoughts and then I start to think " What if I don't like this girl? What if I never like another girl again?
I just want to be normal. I just want to know that this IS OCD/anxiety/what ever else I have.
Last edited by Administrator; 11-02-2011 at 05:37 PM.
I'm no expert, but it definitely sounds like OCD to me. I have OCD and relate to a lot of the things you described, such as the weight issues, hypochondria, and the girl issues. My OCD goes through periods where it's really strong or pretty much dormant, and right now it's the most dormant it's been for as long as I can remember, and it's most likely due to the fact that I'm taking 20mg Lexapro everyday as well as talking to a social worker once a week. I would STRONGLY recommend seeking help from professionals, as well as your friends and family (if you're comfortable with that), because it really, really helps. Obviously you won't be able to completely eliminate all your symptoms, but you can manage them and over time things will definitely get better. It never hurts to try. I would also recommend reading or getting the audio book of "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, for that really helped me. It basically tells you to watch your mind, which sounds bizarre, but it helps with wiping out unwanted thoughts. I hope this helps, and I wish you luck.
"God gave you them shoes... that fit you. So put 'em on and wear 'em. And be yourself, man. Be proud of who you are."