ROCD or just fear to be without relationships? HELP!!!
i'm really glad that i've found this forum and finally i can share my problem with people who can understand all this stupid processes in my head.
The first think i want to tell is that i'm from Ukraine (Eastern Europe) so english is not my mother language and i apologize in advance about my grammatical mistakes.
I want to tell all the story so it can be rather long, sorry.
Last year i've started dating with one guy becouse i just wanted to have a relationships with someone and i've been tired to be without love and relationships. I haven't loved that guy, i knew it, but i continued the relationships with him having a hope that maybe i'll fall in love with him becouse he loved me so much and was so faithful. But he was rather annoying, he was weak and not very smart. I understood every time that i don't love him. Last month of our relationships was awful, i had a huge anxiety becouse i don;t love him and we broke up, when we broke up i fall into a great panic, i called to him and asked to come back, the same repeated 3 times and then i realized that he is not the man i need. in 2 days after this break up i've met with my current boyfriend. He was my old friend and i've never considered some relationships with him. After my break up with my ex boyfriend i felt the need to be with someone, to be in a relationships, something like that. And i felt some chemistry to my current boyfriend. First i have'nt wanted anything with him, just sex, but later i couldn't broke up with him becouse of the terrible anxiety and thoughts like "maybe i do a mistake". He is great, smart. funny and so on, but no my problem is that i think i don't feel love to him and i feel terrible anxiety and panic about this, i want to love him, but everytime i think about relationships with him i doubt it, everytime i think about him i doubt my feelings, everytime i talk to him and he tells me that he misses me i can't answer to him the same sencirelly, becouse i'm not sure. every day i feel huge anxiety, i fall into ruminations about "do i love him", "do i need this relationships?", "maybe i have to find someone else if i don't feel love to him?" and every thought like that causes panic!
I read a lot of threads about ROCD, all symthoms are the same, except the one symthom. Everyone here knows deep in their minds that they love their boyfreinds/girlfriends, and i don't know that. I don't know and i can't feel the necessary feelings.
I can't imagine myself without relationships. Maybe this is a problem? I just can't be without relationships and it is other type of OCD? OCD as a fear of being without relationships?
Why than i feel so huge anxiety about my current boyfriend?
I don't beleive that i have ROCD.
I cant beleive that i have ROCD becouse the feelings are the same as it was with my ex whom i didn't love.
BUT I DON"T WANT IT TO BE THE SAME! I WANT TO LOVE HIM! But everytime i think that i want to love him, i think "and maybe you don't want?", everytime i thing that i feel myself good near him, i think "maybe you don't feel good, maybe you think so becouse you are afraid of being alone". I'm so tired, i want to know what i really want! if i doin't love him, why i feel so huge anxiety and panic about break up with him?
Sorry about this messed up story, i have haos in my thoughts. I don't know how to struggle with it. Help me, calm me down pls!
Ask if something in my story you don't understand becouse my english is not very good.
Thank you in advance for your help!