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Old 12-11-2011, 02:39 AM   #1
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Unhappy Feel lonely...

Hey everyone, I haven't posted anything here for a long time. I'm handling my OCD okay these days; I see my psychiatrist every week, and manage to keep the stress level not too high.
There's a problem though; I feel out of place, lonely, not belonging at school (I'm 14, and because of the french system, in my last year of middle school). I look around and all I see is normal kids; they have their own problems and all, but I feel like their problems are just normal, "simple" problems: parent, love, random fears problems, and so much simpler than MY fears and troubles! Before anyone berates me for being egocentric and mean, I want to say: yeah, I focus too much on myself. Yeah, I'm being unfair to my friends. But how else am I supposed to behave when I'm facing something much bigger than what they think about, something that they'll most likely never know?
Maybe I am mean; I can barely feel sorry for those mean thoughts now. That worries me too. They're just normal kids, but I feel like I'm so much more tired and mature and serious than them; on some level, I feel kinda proud of that, even though I shouldn't. On another level, I feel downright miserable because of it; I'm like a plant that grew too fast, too much, and in the wrong way, helped by bad chemicals that actually poisoned me. That's how I feel: poisoned by my OCD.
I just feel like their laughs and fears are not mine at all, even though we're the same age; I think they're too normal, too innocent, too simple, too "stereotypical teenagers" for me to be able to understand them anymore. I feel I need to meet other people with OCD, or at least a super super high level of anxiety and stress, someone as "complicated" and as "twisted" as myself.
It's so frustrating, cuz as I said, aside of that, the OCD hasn't been acting up TOO much lately, and aside of that feeling I'd be feeling perfectly fine. But no one -or almost-- at my school is as mature; there are very smart people, but they're "academically" smart; they just work well, or they understand things quick, or they have a good memory (like me ). But it's not the complicated, twisted way of "smart" people that I feel I have to meet. It's like I'm berating my friends for being normal and more or less happy -happier than me. Maybe I'm jealous; I just would like to be around kinda miserable, weird, dark people. That probably makes no sense at all. But please, if anyone sees a way to solve this, tell me!

 
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Old 12-18-2011, 09:56 PM   #2
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Re: Feel lonely...

Hi Pinkicecream,

Wow, it sounds like everything youre going through is really weighing on you right now. I'm sure it's not fun and I know its gotta be difficult not having any peers who understand everything youre experiencing on a daily basis with the disorder. Sometimes, what I would try to do when I felt that way was to reach out to others during their times of need. You'd be surprised how many people think NO ONE understands what they're going through right now either. Sometimes being that person for someone else will get you the person you need for your tough times. That happened with one of my friends. She was going through something herself and I helped her through it. That experience helped me to get the courage to tell her about my ocd which after a while she grew to understand and help with. Now she celebrates my victories with me.

I do understand a little about how it feels though. My OCD started when I was about ten years old then went away when I was 13 and came back when I was 21. And has stuck around ever since. I'm sorry you have to go through this right now, I know it's rough! But it does get better take it from me! Try to be proactive, try to look on the bright side, and I do hope you feel better. Besides the OCD stuff, these are just generally tough years in your life (I grimace everytime I think of the time I was 14 lol ) My advice is outside of OCD, dont take things like social stuff too seriously (everyone's uncomfortable in their own skin and a mess anyway I promise you!) Try to be positive and concentrate on what you can control in your life (ie family, friends, school). Anyway, I hope this hasnt come across as patronizing or anything, I wasnt trying to do that at all. Good luck and I wish you well! Feel better soon!

Eyes

 
Old 12-22-2011, 02:59 PM   #3
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Re: Feel lonely...

Hey PinkIcecream, I can totally relate what you feel right now with my personal experience. It is true it feels like hell, even now that I have 22, I sometimes have those feeling, that people are too immature and they dont know how does it feel to be in a mental condition such as OCD and depression. However when I was your age things were more tough than now, I felt lonely, drowned by pain (I didnt even know what the hell was happening on my head) and isolated, even though I had a lot of friends I felt that nobody knew what was I going through ( it was like me against everybody). I began to feel hate against my peers and the people who surround me because of their happy and silly attitude they carried on in their lives while I suffer in silence. It was a feeling of hopelessness, darkness and i was very sad even though when things were alright I still felt the pain (I guess it was depression). I Still feel, sometimes, that feeling but I remember to be brave and the help and support that my psychiatrist, my family and some friends have gave to me. I can now tell you that 14 is a very tough age specially when you have a mental condition, but remember dont get angry, you are wise and brave if you can deal with OCD you can deal with intolerance, just believe in yourself be strong and patient things will get better believe me.
Train Of Thought

 
Old 12-27-2011, 02:33 AM   #4
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Re: Feel lonely...

Thanks everyone for the support and great advice. Things are feeling a bit better now; I still have a feeling my friends are kinda immature, I know theI have they can help me if I tell them I'm not feeling that well. Plus it's the holidays right now, just came back from a relaxing trip and everyone's just sending me emails saying "merry xmas!" "smile!" and "I miss you!" It's like everyone's telling me to be happy, and I guess it does work if you try hard enough. Anyways, thanks for the support and happy holidays to everyone!

 
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