Hey everyone, I haven't posted anything here for a long time. I'm handling my OCD okay these days; I see my psychiatrist every week, and manage to keep the stress level not too high.
There's a problem though; I feel out of place, lonely, not belonging at school (I'm 14, and because of the french system, in my last year of middle school). I look around and all I see is normal kids; they have their own problems and all, but I feel like their problems are just normal, "simple" problems: parent, love, random fears problems, and so much simpler than MY fears and troubles! Before anyone berates me for being egocentric and mean, I want to say: yeah, I focus too much on myself. Yeah, I'm being unfair to my friends. But how else am I supposed to behave when I'm facing something much bigger than what they think about, something that they'll most likely never know?
Maybe I am mean; I can barely feel sorry for those mean thoughts now. That worries me too. They're just normal kids, but I feel like I'm so much more tired and mature and serious than them; on some level, I feel kinda proud of that, even though I shouldn't. On another level, I feel downright miserable because of it; I'm like a plant that grew too fast, too much, and in the wrong way, helped by bad chemicals that actually poisoned me. That's how I feel: poisoned by my OCD.
I just feel like their laughs and fears are not mine at all, even though we're the same age; I think they're too normal, too innocent, too simple, too "stereotypical teenagers" for me to be able to understand them anymore. I feel I need to meet other people with OCD, or at least a super super high level of anxiety and stress, someone as "complicated" and as "twisted" as myself.
It's so frustrating, cuz as I said, aside of that, the OCD hasn't been acting up TOO much lately, and aside of that feeling I'd be feeling perfectly fine. But no one -or almost-- at my school is as mature; there are very smart people, but they're "academically" smart; they just work well, or they understand things quick, or they have a good memory (like me
). But it's not the complicated, twisted way of "smart" people that I feel I have to meet. It's like I'm berating my friends for being normal and more or less happy -happier than me. Maybe I'm jealous; I just would like to be around kinda miserable, weird, dark people. That probably makes no sense at all.
But please, if anyone sees a way to solve this, tell me!