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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board


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Old 01-20-2012, 03:14 PM   #1
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feels like a bully in my head

I have had ocd over 25 years . am going thru a relapse again. fears of harming my daughter surfaced after a visit from my so called annoying friend who fed me dialogs from a movie she thought was great n exciting involving possesed mother and killings. oh so thats all it took to make my stomache feel sick n then bang what my stomache feels when it's anxious..soon after my brain reacts. n it sticks. so anyways I threw all the knives away and even after doing so I am still having thoughts,,even I am not alone with her ,,she's in school all day n when she's home her 11 yr old brother is here to protect her.. so is her dad! her dad is only gone 8 hrs every night for work. during that time I sleep ..n somehow nights I am just exhasted sleepy n dont wana wake up. anyways morning I always say ohh the feeling is still here! it's not gone. then I always say ok u know what this is.. it's been this way before for many years with different people n different harm thoughts. it always eventually goes away. but there are triggers. one thing that dont help is I believe I am going thru pmdd n perimenopause. I think hormones definetly spike it up even more . but anyways I tried generic prozac.. n that was totally terrifying. believe me for me there is a diff between brand n generic. I am applying for prescription assistance til then I'll have to dig up the cost for brand name. even though the knives are gone n people are always around me and everyone knows my fear or obsession,,I am still keyed up. does anyone think that its the anxiety that makes the bad thoughts appear? once I get the anxiety tamed down I think the bad thoughts will go,,but it usually takes a few weeks or months. I just dont feel like doing my usual fun stuff. then I say well if I wanted to hurt my little girl wouldnt I not care? wouldnt I be enjoying life and not being nervous? bad people dont care u know. its so confusing and everytime I fall into this ,,it feels just as scary as the first time it happend when I was only 20. gee that time i was convinced I had aids. suprise I am still here. I just wana give others support and hoping to get some back ya I feel dizzy! who throws knives away? can u imagine it? my husband is very supportive n always reminds me it's chemical not me..he tries ! I feel bad for him and others around me.

 
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Old 02-03-2012, 01:44 AM   #2
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Re: feels like a bully in my head

Sorry to hear you're feeling so "messy" in your head. I know how you feel, I was diagnosed with OCD about a year ago, and the first few months of therapy I was making progress, but now I'm in a major relapse. Quite horrible, but I remind myself that I will make it through this and be satisfied, if not completely happy, with my life again.
Tell yourself the same thing: remind yourself every day that this is just a stressful time (I'm no doctor, but I think it's very probable that the hormones are making the OCD even more intense) and that eventually it'll be in the past. Repeat to yourself as a mantra that it's just the OCD thoughts, and not what you actually want to do. You sound like a perfectly nice person and I'm genuinely sorry that this stupid obsession is making you feel bad.
Don't forget that there are people all around you that can support you and help you. You mentionned your very supportive husband, for example. I have a family that loves me and tries really hard to help me too, though I don't often make it easy for them... Try not to feel bad about them; remember, if you need help from your loved ones, you can't be afraid to ask for it. You shouldn't feel bad or be afraid that you're somehow making their lives a bit more complicated too; if you're feeling a bit miserable, they're there for you. They want to help you because they love you, so don't worry about them too much; I know it doesn't sound like a really nice thing to say, lol, but if you're not happy or scared then you should just focus more on yourself for a little while, at least until this whole mess blows over. But I am sure of one thing: you are not a bad person, and, as you said, the fact that you worry over and hate those horrible thoughts is proof that you don't really want to do them (since they horrify and disgust you)! You will not hurt your daughter or anyone else, I'm sure of it.
I know it feels horrible too when you think you've finally gotten rid of one obsession and then something tiny and insignificant just triggers it up again and you feel like you're right back where you started. The only thing I can say there is: try to ignore the triggers, and find a healthy distraction. My therapist suggests any kind of physical exercise, if you can find the time to do it. Just tell yourself that it's not you, it's just your OCD. Believe me, keep doing that and you'll be fine.
Anyway, tried to help. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you get this rough patch as soon as possible!

 
Old 03-03-2012, 08:50 PM   #3
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Re: feels like a bully in my head

You will NOT harm your daughter or anyone else in your house! I remember wanting to throw knives away. Go buy new knives or retrieve the old ones from the garbage if possible. You will NEVER prove to yourself that it is OCD not you if you keep removing the anxiety provoking objects. This behavior actually reinforces the thoughts not decrease them. I know it is a frightening thought. You called OCD a "bully in your head". Well put. How do you get a bully to leave you alone? You fight back with everything you have! Think of removing the knives from your house like giving a bully your lunch money. That makes the bully go away-for now but it encourages him to come back and do it again later. Sweetie you have to stop giving OCD your lunch money! Fight back. It is possible.

 
Old 03-03-2012, 10:03 PM   #4
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Thumbs up Re: feels like a bully in my head

Quote:
Originally Posted by herpelow View Post
You will NOT harm your daughter or anyone else in your house! I remember wanting to throw knives away. Go buy new knives or retrieve the old ones from the garbage if possible. You will NEVER prove to yourself that it is OCD not you if you keep removing the anxiety provoking objects. This behavior actually reinforces the thoughts not decrease them. I know it is a frightening thought. You called OCD a "bully in your head". Well put. How do you get a bully to leave you alone? You fight back with everything you have! Think of removing the knives from your house like giving a bully your lunch money. That makes the bully go away-for now but it encourages him to come back and do it again later. Sweetie you have to stop giving OCD your lunch money! Fight back. It is possible.
In reference to me wanting to throw the knives at my house away, I was still a young adult living in my parent's house. It would have been their knives I would have thrown away not mine. At that point in my illness I would have gotten rid of them if they were mine. Did not know at the time it was best for me not to have thrown them out.

 
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