HOCD-ROCD and a past that haunts me
21 years old. Been in the same relationship for over seven years. My boyfriend and I are old high school sweethearts, we separated for a few weeks last year but got back together and everything was perfect, we were better then we ever were before and I was looking forward to a happy future for once since my past has been pretty crappy throughout highschool.
everything was going great until last November. Now, I have a pre-history of mental problems but my family has never bothered to get me diagnoised and such. When i was a child, my doctor said I showed some symptioms of OCD but like i said my family never followed through with it. The thoughts that struck me were ROCD (relationship ocd) related, was he really attractive, was I really in love, and all that jazz.
These thoughts sent me spiralling into anxiety like never before. But they weren't the only thoughts that struck me. Thinking "What if I'm really gay?" came into play as well as during an episode of Criminal minds, that involved pedifoles I suddenly got an huge dose of fear that I may be one, thinking I may harm that child i saw on tv or any other child. I had to quickly turn the tv off and I told myself over and over it wasn't true.
I got over those thoughts quickly. But for months I suffered from my ROCD but as those started to quiet down my HOCD got worse. Especially sicne there is basically sex everywhere on tv and in movies that display half or fully naked women.
Now this is where my past comes into play. For years I accepted and labelled myself as bi-sexual. I never really considered it, but because I was so close with my friends that I loved to sit close to them and enjoy their company I had to be bi like they said I was. However I never really noticed girls that way, I always noticed boys though.
However, I have a past like a few other women in highschool and college about experimenting. Before I met my boyfriend, an old friend of mine and I did exactly that. It was nothing more then kissing and breast touching and that's it we never got naked below the waist or did anything like that.
I never let it bother my relationship. I went on with my life. With the occasion same-sex fantasy and that was it they were fantasies and to be exact I don't remember ever finding them arousing. I would occasionally think back to the past but I went on with my life and relationship. I knew who I loved and wanted to be with.
When I ever looked at a man I met, that I thought was nice, I would think about what would it be like to be with them in a relationship, fleeting thoughts. But I NEVER had thoughts like that for a woman.
I've enjoyed kissing my boyfriend, being intimate with them. But now every moment I've had with him in the past I question what I really feeling all that or was it a lie. Was my past a lie where I only ever had crushes on men, or that I noticed boys.
I was okay with calling myself bi-sexual. I'm very accepting toward gay rights. I have many gay, and bisexual friends as well as straight ones. I was accepting of myself but since all these thoughts started I question myself and life.
I been through all the denial. I questioned whether this was ocd as well.
I had same-sex dreams that i would wake up with major anxiety.
Even dreams of sex with men I woke with anxiety.
I had thoughts if I killed my boyfriend all this would end. That put me in a starte of anxiety.
I even thought these could be brain tumours causing all this. I've always been obsessive about my health. Thinking I have cancer and such. I'm still stuck on the notion of this being brain tumours sometimes, hoping maybe if I get it fixed everything will go back to the way it was before.
I hate this.
The worst is when the anxiety goes away and the backdoor spike appears. My past is haunting me. When I think of women, I think back to those moments in my highschool years there is no new woman in those thoughts. I want to forget everything that happened so I can go on living my life.
I even looked up straight women who watch lesbian porn, who can get off to it but never get off to straight porn. They came to the same conclusion as me, that it's more sensual then straight porn. And that yes I will admit women are pretty, and though I always knew I liked men, I never did like them below the waist.
Sorry to any man, but what you have hanging down there isn't that great to look at.
I'm young. I want this to stop before I end up killing myself.
This can't be happening. I want my boyfriend I always have...and now this HOCD is making me questioning what and who is attractive and what I really want.
I don;t know what to do anymore...God what the hell is going on with me... I was happy before and accepting of myself...and now...