I am an 18 year old girl in first year of college living at home who seems to be going through hell. I was diagnosed with clinical depression in late November by my psychologist. In late January I started seeing a psychiatrist where I was put on antidepressants. Over the course of that time I have been diagnoised with minor OCD I guess you could say. My psychristist deemed this based on solely what I told him. I am currently on two types of medication but had some side effects with that so we cut down the dose yesterday to see if another type would help.
Basically why I am posting today is because I'm just always doubting my love for my parents, if I love my boyfriend, if my diagnoises is real or not or if I have something else they are not seeing, if I am going insane, if I will lose my mind & become a murderer, if I will hate my kids if I ever have any ect.
My latest worry is that I am bisexual or lesbian. I got this idea from a lot of enviromental factors such as tv shows, movies, people at my work who are lesbian, my genders studies class, past experiences ect.
Basically I am totally overrthinking the situation & no longer know what to believe. I know some cogniative behavioural stuff that I use to help me through days but when issues like this pop into my head I cant seem to let them go. I obsess over them because I feel I need an answer right away. I fear not fully knowing & therefore over think it & over think it until I come to a conclusion. My only problem is I never come to a conclusion.
I list reasons why I am straight trying to challenege the thought but I neverr seem to agree with my conclusions no matter what the topic is. I talk to my mom because I feel I need someone to help me figure it out but I feel she is just saying no I'm not because she doesn't want me to be. I keep forcing lesbian or bisexual thoughts into my head to see if I like them but I feel like I'm doing more harm because I'm only convincing myself. I dont want to be lesbian or bi but I wonder if I only think that because thats what I've been taught by society ect?! How does somebody know if they are bi or not?! I look at other women & think damn she is so pretty but when I am thinking clearly I believe its only because I'm jealous or want to be like her. But then on the other hand I wonder if its more than that. Than I wonder if its because I dont love my boyfriend?! But I don't understand why I wouldnt?! He is amazing to me & very good looking .. but now I just doubt everything like I have from the beginning. I don't want to have to experiment to find out because I don't want to lose him. But he is my first ever true boyfriend & first sexual experience so I wonder if I'd ever be able to settle down with him because I feel I don't truly know what love is .. therefore if I'm not sure I must not truly love him right?!
I'm just scared of everything.
& I know I should just stop thinking but when big topics like this come up I feel I need to think it out & get it out of the way or else it will come back again.
Its honestly causing me the same distress as thinking I'm becoming a murderer does. & I have talked to my phycologist about it but he just doesn't seem to even want to think it out with me?! He simply says 'if you've never had sex with another women you have nothing to worry about' ...
I don't really have any close friends that are girls anymore since I started college either so I wonder if its just me longing for close friends again?!?
Also it is not helping me because when I was in high school I was very shy around boys. Everyone always questioned whether or not I was lesbian because I never had a boyfriend. I perfered hanging with girls rather than guys but I always thought it was because I was shy? Now I wonder if it was more than that?!? I always had crushes but now I question if I had crushes on girls to? I just remember always being super close to my friends that were girls but not in a crush way so it makes me think even more.
I'm honestly just so confused about everything right now which makes me twenty times more depressed. Anything you guys say would truly help. Needless to say, since all of this started I've become very insecure & just don't know anything anymore. I keep researching trying to find answers & convince myself I am not bi or lesbian but its only putting more ideas into my head.
Take heart, you are not alone in this matter. I also suffer from severe anxiety stemming from OCD and Depression. Very similar things that you've mentioned are things I can relate to.
I dated a girl once about 2 years ago where I encountered a severe case of OCD/Depression as a result. It hit me really hard when I started thinking "Do I really love her? How can I tell? Are my emotions trustworthy?"
It drove me over the edge, living like that. I went through a period of bitter depression and anxiety. I'm not sure what came first, the depression or the anxiety but it sucked a lot.
The point to always remember is that these type of anxious thoughts are a product of emotion and nothing more. They don't represent anything about who you are as a person or what you will become, they merely indicate your level of value you place on such matters. You obviously care very much about your boyfriend/family etc. and have fine upstanding personal morals. Any type of violation of these things causes you great distress. I know exactly what you mean, i've been there myself.
Medication can be a Godsend for sure. I have been on Citalopram, Paxil and (most recently) Effexor. I was (at first) skeptical to their efficiency but am now starting to believe that I should never be without them.
Also a big factor can be your living situation. If you're alone (like I was) a lot it can aggravate your stress levels and leave you with nothing to do but think endlessly.
The best advice I can give is to always remember:
-You're not alone in your struggles
-You're thoughts (no matter how scary) are not a representation of you as a person, or who/what you will become
Best of Luck,
The Following User Says Thank You to guitarman86 For This Useful Post: overthinkinprob (05-19-2012)