Hi everyone, I am pretty sure that the symptoms I experienced/am experiencing are of OCD, but would love opinions and to know if anyone else has experienced this.
I think I first started having strange thoughts and behaviours when I was very very young, since I can remember probably! The first significant thing I remember obsessing over was bleach :S ... When I was very young my mum must have told me to stay away from it or something and it sparked an obsession/fear of it, I used to think if I was even in the room with the bottle it would poison me and I would die, I would just be plagued with thoughts and it never left my mind.
I also remember having to do things in even numbers, if I touched something with one hand I'd have to touch it with the other to etc. I was scared of a lot of things, and just paranoid that they would happen to me.
I don't really remember the gap between being really little and being about 10 ... other than that I became obsessed with washing my hands, I couldn't sleep or eat or do anything really unless I had literally just washed my hands, if I touched something as simple as a door knob I'd need to wash my hands.
Then when I got to the age of about 10 I started to be obsessed with cancer ... I was convinced I had it and even started making weird little bets in my head, I can't rememeber them exactly but I would think for example, if I was walking down a road, 'if the next three cars to pass me aren't red then I have cancer', something like that. I was constantly looking for symptoms of it and it was just on my mind all the time, I couldn't block it out.
When I was 13 or 14 probably I started to think I had dementia, one day I was sorting out my horse, and I forgot to feed her when I was in the field, ofcourse I went back and fed her - problem solved, right? No, I didn't stop thinking about it for months, just all the time it was there. I am not sure if that was what started this obsession or if it just fuelled it even more, but it was truely horrible, I started to question weather I had done things which I really knew I had, I'd have to check over and over again.
Not much after that I found a tiny lump on the top of my boob, I guess its kinda normal to worry about something like that, but it petrified me, I was convinced I had breast cancer and was dying, but I was too scared to tell anyone, then I started looking all over my body for other lumps, and I found a tiny one in my neck. This obsession killed me for a long time, I don't know how I did anything else as this was just so huge in my mind. After a while the lump on my boob just disapeared, and the obsession went, the lump in my neck didn't go, I'v just checked and its still there, but since this was 3, maybe 4 years ago I'd guess its nothing :S.
There were other little things to, If I walked past this particular wall I would have to think a certain thing every time ... stuff like that.
When I was about 14 I started to become very depressed and the OCD symptoms seemed to lessen, I started to self harm and I didn't really care much for my life. I was hugely depressed on and off, I'd have days where I was really happy but 90% of the time I didn't even want to live. I have been feeling much better for the last 6 months ish, I never ever thought I could get better. I don't really have that much OCD that I notice now, exept a couple of months back, I convinced myself I had schizophrenia ... I thought this because I heard random voices as I was drifting off to sleep, and then one night (after watching a horror film I will say!) I was 100% sure I heard someone screaming, it was so so so real. This set me off and I was constantly sure I had seen, heard, felt, things. This obsession only lasted for a few days though and I don't worry about it now. The only thing I can say I still do is that when I go to bed, I turn the light off, then on, then off again :S every night, although I don't feel anywhere near as severe need as I used to! The only other thing is an obsession about how I look, I worry an awful awful lot about what others think of me and that people don't really like me, but that could just be me being a typical, but slightly obsessive 17 year old girl? I dunno.
I have never told anyone about this, I am kind of embarassed by it. I just want to make sense of it I guess.
If anyone got to the end of this, you have no clue how greatful I am, not sure how long this is but my fingers hurt from typing! Any help, or people to just talk to would be much appriciated