Hello, I'm 19 soon and I have been suffering with OCD all my life, I have recently been put on Citalopram 10/mg day, and have sleeping tablets so I can sleep but I'm feeling so confused.... I've never had any counselling and never talked to anyone in depth about my problems. I've been diagnosed with extreme anxiety and extreme OCD but i'm starting to wonder if it can be something else...
When I was about 6 I used to have thoughts like if I don't touch this 10 times then my mum will die, etc, and I'd lick my hands all the time because I thought they were dirty, but I stopped physically touching things and do not do that anymore, but recently it has got a lot worse.
When I was about 11 years old I remember I had these thoughts in my brain like "I wish something bad will happen" when I really didn't want anything bad to happen or horrible thoughts like " I curse something bad to happen" when obviously I really do not want anything bad to happen to anyone. but then I'd see on the news the next day that there had been a tsunami and at the age of 11 I thought that this was my fault and felt like a murderer and im so upset, and at about the age of 14 everything settled down and I saw these thoughts as nonsense and carried on with my life, enjoyed school etc, then at the age of 16 I got bullied but it didn't affect me in anyway and I sorted that out, and moved onto a college, I felt lonely at college and left to go another, and I settled in fantastically had a great time, but then I had swine flu and became really really weak and ill for about a month, and this triggered all my anxiety and ocd back off and it has become so extreme that I spoke up and told my parents after failing my exams that I cannot cope anymore - they took me to the doctors and now after a year of waiting around im on citalopram 10/mg a day and sleeping tablets, but the main thing i'm struggling with is that I still have these horrible thoughts like " I wish someone will die" etc etc etc! when I dont want anyone to die
and now I feel like a murderer and evil because of these thoughts that I cannot control
When I had that flu i used to enjoy playing this game but then my head told me that if I play it I will become ugly, and everyone will hate me, so I stopped and for a year I did absolutely nothing except began to get depressed and upset and massively anxious, and now I'm playing on it again but im so scared. and i think that im ugly now and look older than my age because of all this, and im so confused, i believe in god and i think that he will protect me from all these bad thoughts and wont let them happen. but then sometimes i think am i just evil and god hates me and wants me to suffer
i dont think my family care about me, and i think everyone hates me and i look bad now, my thoughts seem to come true and i dont want them to, i dont want to be ugly, i dont want anyone to die and im so scared i dont know what to do please help me thanks