So in the last 6 months I've gone from thinking I know who I am and have it all together to not knowing who I am and I'm freaking out! I've had bouts with OCD/Intrusive thoughts and the wonderful what-ifs, but nothing like this. I was in a relationship that brought on a lot of questions from my boyfriend (because I was friends with an ex from 5 yrs ago) and I got caught in the middle of seeing his side in the situation and trying to defend my freindship with my ex. My boyfreind would question me over and over about everything and anything. I felt his anxiety and I wanted to help him by answering the questions and Long story short I was stressed and started questioning myself. I never was good with dealing with my own emotions/feelings,and I lived my life being logical, rational. I started at first questioning and analyzing my friendships, I became over sensatised and extremely self critical which spiraled out of control. I felt like all the insecurities I ever had and I felt vulnerable for the first time in years, it was unbearable. I was anxiously waiting to what was going to bother me next. Well then I had my 15yr old niece over and we were watching intervention and it was tlking about being molested and I looked at her and was like could I ever see myself doing something like that? I panicked and had the worst panic attack in my life, I felt my body temp literally rise from my toes to my head.I had read news articles months before about child molesters and I was weirded out just reading it and I am broadminded and always find it easy to see where someone is coming from, I freaked remembering reading them and trying to relate! It went from being terrifed of babies to teenagers and now I'm stuck on young children.Ive worked in daycares and Ive been around my nieces and nephews growing up and I have never had any thoughts. I analyzed day and night from this, no outright physical compulsion but ruminating constantly. It got so bad that I questioned what morals are and what if I only have morals because that is how I was brought up, how would I feel if i didnt have morals? I'm terrified deep down, that this is all true, it feels so real. I've always considered myself a little out there and would never put anything past me but this is a nightmare!!!Ive always had some weird anxiety with males, I felt even as a child I was looked at sexually. I'm 34 and I dont know why this is happening!!! Can part of this be suppressed emotions and my wall coming crumbling down ? I think its god way of making me feel, even ifs its feeling terrified and like a monster. I dont know how I can live with myself this is defining me, what if this is all true?
Last edited by ms_mod; 06-05-2012 at 04:24 PM.
Reason: Replaced text message, chat room word with the proper word as per the posting rules. Ms_Mod
Hey, I have recently started doing the same thing.(questioning morality and whether it is a social thing) I don't really have any answers but hought knowing someone else has had these thoughts might be useful. I hope this is even a little comforting. It helped me to know someone else had thought this. I will try and write again when I have any helpful information. Stu
Last edited by Stuartwp; 06-15-2012 at 06:27 AM.
Reason: Left out info
I can completely and totally relate to what has happened to you! a very similar experience happened to me when I was 18, and I have not been the same ever since. I questioned everything and it all was wrapped around molestation and what I had seen on TV. I swear that day ruined my life. I am almost 37 and my OCD thoughts get worse and worse all the time, just when I think I move past something ( even though the thoughts are always there, just not so bad) something crazier takes my mind, and I start to obsess on that. I used to think that as I got older they would just disappear, but instead they just get worse. As of now I am struggling with the most ridiculous thoughts! It's hard to explain to people that can just disregard weird thoughts, where I just play them over and over like a broken record, trying to maintain a facade of normalcy all the while having a internal meltdown. Just know that you are not your thoughts and that if those thoughts didn't disturb you, THEN you would have something to worry about. I know that it is SO hard to disengage from all those thoughts because it takes hold of you and you can't let go, but it's just some weird defense mechanism. Just know that you are not alone, because I 100 percent know how you feel, and I feel so sad all the time when I remember a time that I wasn't bothered by it and wish I could go back to that day, but the only thing that you can do is try not to fight it, and remember that you'll be ok.
Hi!! I'm going on 8 months since this all started. I have my 99 % back to normal days and then i have the days of the heavy/dark cloud following me and weirding me out that I went thru this to begin with. I agree it has to be some defense mechanism. Ive been seeing a therapist and it has helped with uncovering the wool from my own eyes with supressed emotions/walls Ive put up over the years. I know I'm overconcious/caring with a big heart,hell i cant even kill a bug. I also can think of the most demented thoughts and its hard to find a balance especially when anxiety is thrown in the middle. Ive always been one extreme to the other, ive been told its learning how to regulate things. Its bittersweet to know you can relate to all this. I dont wish this on anyone. My mind can be my personal hell at times. I cant imagine this starting at such a young age as yours did. Do you see a therapist or take any meds ?
I really didn't understand what was going on when I was younger, but I know that it made me avoid every possible situation where children were concerned so that I wouldn't have those thoughts! I have carried this w/ me for years, because the thoughts got worse and worse. I saw a therapist for years that was more of a help for my own personal issues, not so much OCD. She was convinced that something had happened to me as a child and that was why I happened to be fixated on this particular obsession. But, the obsessions evolved, it became ANYTHING that I found remotely disturbing or scary and then I would latch on to that. I would read books on OCD and then start obsessing on the things the people in the books were obsessing on. Infact, I try to never go on these boards, unless I'm in total dire straits with myself and need some sort of reassurance, because if I read about other peoples obsessions, I get those in my mind too! I have been on and off of all kinds of meds for years, and I was in a OCD CBT group for awhile. I do take an anti-anxiety everyday, and just started an extremely low dose of prozac, since that seems to be the only SSRI that I can tolerate and have managed to take for more that a month. Dealing with this disorder is crazy, sometimes I feel ok, and other days.. especially in the past week and a half, I just want to die. I want my mind to be at peace, because I believe that is what I deserve! well anyone deserves. OCD is crazy and people don't know what kind of living nightmare it can be unless they have to deal with it everyday! One last thing, my father has OCD the checking kind, I do not have any compulsions, so apparently it runs in the family. Just remember it is an ACUTE anxiety disorder and that you're not schziphrenic or psychopathic or any of those things! you are just worried!!!
I'm sorry you have been having a tough time in the last week or so... I wish you and anyone going thru this peace of mind.... It is a living nightmare, words cant explain how debilitating this can be.... Ive had the compulsions when i was younger but now its all in my mind.. I want my life back, i cant think of a worse subject to get stuck on and ruminate and analyze about... I feel for you i really do. I havent felt like this in like 13 years when i was analyzing about what now seems like petty things compared to this.. i cannot imagine going thru this since i was 18. (btw I'm 34) Hang in there and take comfort in knowing you are not alone
Last edited by meggiem1978; 07-31-2012 at 12:51 PM.
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