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Old 07-10-2012, 08:11 AM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Kenner
Posts: 4
Lindsey47 HB User
Exclamation Posted on here before. Life. Sucks. Please Open and help.

Momma. I need your help. My OCD is back and stronger than ever, even more so tonight. I can't deal with feeling like this. I just want some help, Momma. Please. I feel so alone and I just want someone to understand it that I am going through. Please, Mom.
I've calmed down, and I may be sleep when you get back. I just want to talk about maybe taking the lexapro and talking to my doctor about this. I just have these thoughts that are so...horrible, to deal with and think about. I know it isn't me, but it seems so real and I get headaches from thinking too much about this. I think my trigger tonight was college and army rotc. Thinking about how I won't be able to make it and all other crazy things. I am embarrassed to say them to you, because it's too much for me to handle, and I'm not putting the burden on you as well. I just want to figure out why this keeps happening to me so randomly. One day I'll be fine, the next scared out of my mind over something that might never happen. Okay. I'm going to go to sleep now. See you when you get home after you've read this.

I just sent that to my mother about this problem I've been having with I hope is OCD. Imagining I was a man, and everytime someone says her or she, my mind goes "oh, you don't agree with that." It just popped up on me. I can't tell my mom this, it'll kill her, even if it is an obsession. It still hurts. So bad. It started when I was around 7, with the rain, everytime it rained, I thought a tornado would come by and take my house away. I was so upset, even when it rained in the slightest. Then I got into middle school, and there it went with sexuality, "you're gay, tell everyone now!" I panicked about that, but within doing deeper search within myself I've found out I was indeed bisexual. I have a girlfriend now and I love her, so much. She knows about none of these compulsions. I haven't slept in a while, and I feel sick, and I'm at home all alone. And this sucks. It sucks so bad. Once I got passed that, an obsession of harming others or myself, or losing control came along, I missed months of school, lost weight, everything. Did I mention I was 16 and a senior? Now... it's this. Gender Identity crap. I know I want to be a woman, I love wearing dresses, I never thought about being a boy. Yes I was a little tomboyish growing up, but I just didn't want it. I'm attracted to men, and their bodies, but it's not what I want for me! And now it's hitting me as I type, telling me that I'm lying, and all sorts of things. I have no medication, I have no therapy. I have no one to talk to about any of this. I just feel so much paiin deep inside my soul. I just had a huge breakdown in my house alone, crying my eyes out after reading up about other people with this issue, only frieghtning me more. I can't deal with this. I want it gone. I want my girlfriend, and to be myself again. I can't live life thinking these thoughts. It seems as if I get over one hurdle, a bigger one is thrown at me, and I'm...I'm just so tired, you guys. I'm tired. What should I do? Please help me, I'm so desperate. I need you guys. I need you.Help me.

 
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Old 07-11-2012, 03:08 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Jacksonville,Florida,United States
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Mmzgirl HB User
Re: Posted on here before. Life. Sucks. Please Open and help.

Hello,
I dont know much about your situation, it seems you are really
Having a tough time with this. I would say you need to get in and see a counselor.
I can relate to the feeling of being trapped. I dont know
much about crossdressing only that it seems you are in a lot of pain over this. My heart goes out to you, like I said I can relate. You have an issue just like other
People have had it. I would talk to a counselor about it and talk to friends about it. Stop beating yourself up about it. At least your exploring this issue now. Take care of yourself and know that life is not hopeless.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to Mmzgirl:
Lindsey47 (07-14-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to Mmzgirl For This Useful Post:
Lindsey47 (07-14-2012)
Old 07-13-2012, 02:21 PM   #3
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: England
Posts: 15
Blog Entries: 1
bluefinch HB User
Re: Posted on here before. Life. Sucks. Please Open and help.

Hello Lindsey47,

If I were you, I'd get myself round to your doctor, like, tomorrow. Does that sound daunting? It certainly was for me when I first took the bull by the horns. It took me 3 broken appointments before I finally made it. But I think you'll find it's worth it in the long run.

Try to tell your girlfriend about it. A trouble shared, and all that. Are you afraid she wouldn't understand, and that she may even begin to question your relationship? Only you can be the judge of that. Take comfort in the fact that we are all thinking of you.

Take care,

Bluefinch

Last edited by Administrator; 07-26-2012 at 09:59 AM.

 
Old 07-14-2012, 04:13 AM   #4
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Kenner
Posts: 4
Lindsey47 HB User
Re: Posted on here before. Life. Sucks. Please Open and help.

My mom is calling our insurance company Monday to get me a therapist. I think I will read the letter to her and just go from there. It just tears me apart because almost anything can spike it. Anything. And it's just...it's bad. I want my normal self back.

 
Old 07-14-2012, 04:19 AM   #5
Newbie
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Kenner
Posts: 4
Lindsey47 HB User
Re: Posted on here before. Life. Sucks. Please Open and help.

I'm going to a therapist soon, so we'll see what he/she says about the situation.
As far as for my girlfriend, I'm talking to her as we speak, and I love her, so much. And of course the OCD is going to affect that, saying that I just need to "tell her what I want." I have doubted our relationship and felt as if I wanted to be forced to tell her I was something I am not. She knows about the OCD (self diagnosed at this point), she has no clue how severe it can be at times. Times I'm fine, but others, I feel completely insane. I am not in the greatest shape, and if and when I get on medication, all I'll do is gain weight. I don't know, it's a hard spot, then I'm going to college, which will be another huge stuggle. I just want to be a normal, sane, funtioning human being. I'm tired of this.
But thank you for all the support. It means more to me than you will ever know.
Thank you.

Last edited by Administrator; 07-26-2012 at 09:58 AM.

 
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