So for the past three days, my life has been a disaster. My boyfriend went off for football camp and the last day we saw each other, that night I was crying. There was some doubt in the back of my mind, like my brain was trying to tell me I didn't love him. But earlier that day, I knew that I wanted to stay with him forever. The thought of my doubts shocked me and horrified me and I began to cry. It's been three days and I've lost my appetite, I can't sleep (the only way I've been able to fall asleep after tossing and turning is to reread our text messages). I've been doing research for the past 3 days and learned that it was just my anxiety that was doing this to me.
This made me relieved, but even though I know it's just my anxiety, I can't shake off the feeling. The intrusive thoughts are horrible and I'd do anything to make them go away. I've even played around with the idea of breaking up with him, but as soon as I think that I begin to cry even more. I know that I really do not want to break up with him. I want to be with him forever. But my mind is trying to convince me I don't. And it scares me. The only times I've been able to calm down and be happy and know for an absolute fact that I want to stay with him is when he calls me. I'm not going to be able to see him in person for 3 weeks though and I'm so afraid.
I can't stop crying, and I want to tell him so that maybe it will make me feel better, but I'm afraid he won't understand and he'll think that I'm not in love with him. But I am. It's just like there is a cloud in my mind, not letting me reach those feelings. And then when I can I'm so happy because I know that I want to be with him forever. But then the cloud comes back and it scares me. I'm going to get help. I have OCD, but no one gave me meds.
Please tell me if I get help these feelings will go away and I can feel me again. I'm having an anxiety attack as I write this and it's killing me. Please. I want to be able to love him like I used to. Because I know that I love him. I really and truly do. But my mind and anxiety is trying to convince me otherwise and it makes me feel horrible.
I can definitely relate to your situation, and I'm sorry you're going through this. It can be scary to not "feel" the way you used to, the way you know you should towards something or someone. But make no mistake, if you suffer from anxiety and have OCD, this is your illness feeding off your weakness and playing games with you.
As I read your post, it's clear to me that your OCD has latched onto this issue and making you doubt your love for your boyfriend. When you re-read your text messages, you're actually ritualizing, which only strengthens the intrusive thoughts. When you think about breaking up with your boyfriend, you are in fact ritualizing since you're trying to reassure yourself that this isn't something you want to do. You're doing these things because your anxiety level is high, but by engaging in these compulsions, your anxiety is only going to increase and you will be feeding your obsession. I do think you realize this is anxiety and OCD, but you need to get yourself out of this trap.
In working to overcome my own OCD, I've realized a few things that I think are critical: I'm not necessarily my mind, I'm not my OCD, and what I do is more important than how I feel. I know girls may tend to put more importance on emotion than guys, but if you know you love him, [I]love him[I]. Try to put more emphasis on what you do to love him as opposed to how you feel about him from day to day. I don't have a lot of experience when it comes to relationships, but I'm pretty sure you haven't felt the same way about him every day since the day you met him. The "cloud" or unwanted feeling that you have is a result of anxiety and having ritualized about this obsession. When your mind is trying to convince you that you don't love him, ignore it. Label it as garbage, attribute it to your OCD and turn your attention to something more positive or continue what you were doing, not feeling. Also, fear is OCD's food. Don't be afraid.
I would really recommend that you read the following book: "Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior" by Jeffrey M. Schwartz and Beverly Beyette. I've personally found it to be tremendously helpful in dealing with OCD.