I have come to the point that life is not worth living for. I am 36 years old, female, living in Singapore. I started developing OCD symptoms when I was 13 years old. I keep checking if I have finished my homework. Then I cannot remember how it develop into hand washing. I started to categorise items/people as "clean" or "dirty". It interfered with my daily living. I once chanced upon an article in newspaper realising it is OCD. I tried to seek medical help, visiting child psycharist. Very disappointing. The doctor merely remarked that the symptoms comes & goes. There is no need to worry. He prescribe some small yellow tablets for me (not sure what it is after 2 decades now). After 2-3 consultations, I stop visiting since it does not help.
I have endured for the past 2 decades based on sheer will power. I have turned to religion to seek some solace. However, I have come to a stage whereby the illness has manifest into more complexity. I used to wash hand 3 times to successfully passed the cleanliness test I imposed upon myself when I touch something "dirty"". Of course, I had a hard time separating my things from others. Recently, I have to wash my hands many many times as there is always a thought that tells me I failed the cleaning when it was suppose to be the last wash. Also, my categorisation has develop into a spectrum instead of just clean versus dirty. It has come to the stage like a rainbow, clean, not so clean, not so so clean, ... not so dirty, dirty, very dirty, etc.
I wanted to change my environment hoping by living alone, I need not separate my things from others and I will not have the chance to touch others' things which I deem as "dirty". But my mum is a traditional women. I know she will not be able to accept my moving out.
To add to all these, I have had such a hard career life. I am currently seeking out job but due to OCD, I cannot go for a job that requires travel (the preparation will stress me out like crazy). This makes the job search extremely tough.
I guess it is really times I seek out medical help or so support group. But living in an Asian country makes it so hard as mental treatment & support group is still so undeveloped.
Is there anyone out there who can help me out of this?
There are some books that offer self-treatment programs designed to help individuals overcome OCD. I would recommend reading the following text: "Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior" by Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D. with Beverly Beyette. I found this book to be tremendously helpful in dealing with not only OCD, but any unwanted or negative thoughts.
I can definitely relate to your situation, and I'm sorry you're going through this. But with courage and determination, you can overcome OCD. Take care!
eruption again. constant friction with my family. the trigger for me stems from my brother which there is no way out unless i get out of this family. i told myself not his fault (actually not too sure if his act is the real cause of my illness) but he is the source of my contamination that spread to all who associate with him, of course this means my family members and everything in the house.
my short trigger on checking if i have completed my homework or whether someone saliva has landed on me lasted less than 6 months when i first experienced OCD. then it just concluded to this particular act of my brother (touching his private parts) that lasted then now. everything that he touches will be consider dirty to me. this means basically everyone and everything in the house.
so this means i have to quarantine myself from my living environment yet living in it. it is an impossible task yet i m doing it.
maybe e habit of qualifying clean n dirty has been so deep-rooted i simply cannot let go n "mix" everything to lead a normal life.
i m planning to escape by moving out but due to filial piety (my mum is still alive), i cannot do so. now another option came about, working abroad (but clueless how to go about it). the eruption this morning makes me realise that filial piety only if i stay and treat her well. but every time e trigger is so strong that i makes very nasty remarks to vent out my frustrations which she don't deserve. my staying only cause sufferings to myself and my family.
what can i do, what should i do, who can help me...
i m struggling so hard n they have to suffer in silence cause of me...
no one i can confide in..