Not really to sure how to start this. I've been viewing the boards for a while, reassuring stories and messages always seem to come from it, there seems to be some great people here. Unfortunately for me and my partner, ROCD has just gotten to much, and I've ended the most beautiful and perfect thing we'll both ever know.
Some history on us. We're both gay, 18 years old, and we both mean the world to eachother. We were perfect, but from the very moment our relationship started, ROCD was present for him. I suffer with OCD myself, very badly, and so I understand what this horrible illness does to people, I understand what it feels like to have everything in the world... and yet still feel so alone, like there is no way out... just you and your own head, a minefield... constantly doubting, looking for reassurance and trying to concrete the things you love. I've done so much research on ROCD since me and my boyfriend realized it was that.
We've been so intense since the outset, it was truly love at first sight, it was beautiful, perfect. In our 7 months together there was not a single argument... just terribly painful goodbyes, amazing memories, the most beautiful heart stopping moments... all tainted by that torturer which there is no true explanation or escape from - ROCD. He became my whole world, I forgot about everything else I cared for and it was just me and this boy, and that was all I needed, he did the same.
Perfect moments were doubted by him, which I'd catch onto... asking him what was up, is everything okay? Looking back I wish I hadn't, but its just so hard to watch the thing you love so much disappear in front of your own eyes with no control over it.
He let this thing destroy his mind, only caring about one thing... me. So scared to do anything, scared that his actions would hurt me... he tells me that everytime he says 'I love you' he feels guilt, like he's doing wrong by me. He tells me so much that I am all he cares for, all he wants, and I truly believe that, and yet ROCD just won't let us be together in peace.
Today was the final day for us both. I woke up in a state of depression, panicking, unable to move from my bed through my body shaking uncontrollably, almost going blind through fear, having no idea. I texted him asking him to come and see me. The last two days we have been talking, discussing what we think is best, one minute he loves me so much, the next he feels nothing for me, he turns cold to everything I am, everything we could be and everything we were. Laying down together today at first, everything seemed absolutely perfect, I could see the love in his eyes once again... he'd look at me and smile, and all I could do was smile back, at last, I felt home again. The one thing I loved was back. Slowly I could see these feelings start to disappear for him. He'd become more and more stressed, worried, I could see him doubting if he truly loved me once again... until eventually he had no idea what to do anymore. Looking at his watch I noticed there was 10 minutes left, I couldn't let him leave me like that, through fear of my own OCD taking over, through fear of that depression returning. And so I begged him to stay '5 more minutes' over and over, he couldnt even look at me, it hurt him to much to see what he'd turned me into, and I could see the madness going on in his head from his eyes. I suggested after seeing there was no solution, that we break up, and although it's what neither of us want to do, it was simply all I could do. It was driving him mad, torturing him, worrying so much about his feelings and what he was doing to me, with no clear path to what was the thing to do. With us both being so in love, neither of us could feel it was the right thing to do, we are just simply perfect, and yet I know his ROCD will always come back just when things are perfect, anything can cause a spike, constant doubt in his mind, even though we both we truly love eachother.
I stood up, we hugged, I looked him in the eyes and could see the pain, how much he didn't want to lose me, and yet we both knew it was all we could do. Now I'm sitting here feeling no direction, I know of no life without him, no goals, nothing to live for anymore. Just emptyness.
I just dont know what to do. I want him to come back to me, I dont know whether to leave him to his own devices and just reply to his texts rather than text him, let him realize exactly what we're throwing away. But I seem to be blocking out my own emotions with my OCD/ROCD. I feel right now that I dont love him, that I can go on without him, and yet when I look to the future, I see just how much I cant, I cant see myself making it to the end of the weekend let alone the rest of our lives without eachother. I'm scared his much more severe ROCD will make him feel the same, and that he won't come back to me, he won't feel like he misses me so much like I thought he would, like I know with our love, he should. He's texted saying he doesnt know what hes feeling, that we've done the wrong thing, but he knows that it's right to stop me getting even more hurt. I just dont know
I just love this boy with my whole heart, I want him back, I just dont ever see him being certain in our love, or any love. Can you really have a successful relationship with ROCD present, can we make it go away, will he notice how much he loves or be tricked into thinking he didnt truly love me by this horrible illness? I'm lost, I need help.
The one thing I don't want to do is let him down, I care about him so, so dearly. I just can't bear to know it's eating away at him, and that he can't just love me normally.
Thanks for any replies you might come up with,