OCD and my problems, Anyone else have these?
Hi, so this is my first time writing after months of just reading and trying to find people with the same problems. I have not been diagnosed with OCD but I am very confident I have it. I have dealt with everything from OCD, HOCD, ROCD, Intrusive thoughts, worrying, guilt, confessing my thoughts, etc.
I guess I will try to give you some background info before telling all my problems. I am 22 years old and married. I have always been a worrier. Ever since I could remember. As a child I would worry about anything from where do I go on the first day at school (pretty normal) to worrying my mom was going to leave me in the middle of the night. I would get up go look in the kitchen were her and my step dad would sit and make sure they were there. I would then wake up and go to her room and stand at the door and keep saying her name until she woke up. When she did wake up I would say something like, "i was seeing if you heard that noise or something". I also remember seeing something on tv when younger about someone being poisoned and I got the thought that my mom would poison me. I remember checking doors multiple times to make sure they were locked, checking the oven multiple times to make sure it was off.
Keep in mind, my mother and wife are the most important people in the world to me and I love them dearly.
As a kid I also remember getting intrusive thoughts at one point in my life. I remember worrying I was going to kill my mom or brother or something. For some reason in my head I remember waking up one night and having the thought and I cant remember if I just laid there and thought it or if I actually walked to the kitchen where knives were ( i dont think I did, I read false memories can be a part of OCD)(I would never do that, I love them to death) Then at one point worrying my brother would kill me in my sleep. But it all went away rather quickly and I didnt have it again until about a year ago.
But first, after I started dating my wife, I was very clingy and needy (to the point she broke up with me for a week) and I would constantly want her to promise me that she was not going to break up with me and that she wanted to be with me forever. Which I still do sometimes. I always make sure she wants to be with me forever.
A year ago she started a new job working 3rd shift and one day I randomly got intrusive thoughts about her while I was at work. Like thinking I would kill her. Then it went away for a few months and came back full force. Same thoughts about my wife mostly. It usually happens when she is asleep and I am awake. I hate it! It would happen a lot of mornings when I would walk up the stairs to the bedroom to kiss her goodbye. It would look like a horror movie in my head. And I also read that OCD can cause thoughts of hurting animals and I have had that happen (not the action but the thoughts) an I love animals so much! lol I could never hurt one. I had a thought like that about a week ago while petting my moth in laws dogs. thoughts of choking him (i felt his neck kinda barely putting a little force, sorry if it sounds like i did something wrong but it was literally no more force than actually petting him)
Im sorry this post is all over the place Im just writing as I think.
But recently I told my wife something that I would done and It really hurt me feelings and made me feel super guilty (which I have now felt for about a month) We have a couple who has been best friends with us for years. the girl has been friends with my wife for even longer and I went to 5th grade with her and high school with her. Anyway, i always thought she was very pretty in high school. But when I started dating my wife we would hang out with them more and more until it was eventually me, my wife (gf at the time and the girl got an apt together. I was very wrong. I looked through the girls underwear drawer while no one knew (yes it is weird an I cant believe i did it) and always was very flirty with her (body slamming her on couch, pinching her, etc. Then her and her husband got a house and he would go out of town and I would spend the night with her (with wifes permission) I HAVE NOT CHEATED and never would. but we always flirted and I know the girl would never mean anything by it. But I got to where I texted her more than my wife and always wanted to hang out. One morning after staying the night I walked in to her room and noticed the door was cracked to her bathroom and tried to peek while she showered. (I know it all so wrong of me) And I did other things like take pics of her while she didnt know and things but would always delete them. I dont know if it was just a lust thing or what, living with her I did see her in her underwear on accident and I have saw her in bathing suits. I think I just thought she was so attractive. I know that is not an excuse for any of that.
It makes me sound like a creep but I am not at all. Please don't think I am.
I regret everything so much. After I told my wife it made her cry and I thought she was going to leave me. I will never do things like that again and I dont know why I thought thiswas ok in the first place. I have so much guilt from this and I cant forgive myself. I have now obsessed over worrying I liked the girl. Maybe I did, I dont know. I do know that I do not want to be with anyone but my wife. But I constantly make everything about this girl. I didnt do this before confessing all the things I had done. Now its like I dont want to talk or hangout with this girl who is basically my best friend.
I now, obsess over comparing my wife to her and other girls. Thinking my wife is not attractive. And when she says things I want to say mean things back in response that I dont mean.
I love my wife more than anything in the world and couldn't imagine life with out her. I feel so bad for hurting her and never want to again. I just feel the need to confess everything I did and think about her. Could it be related to the things I confessed from the past? Please someone help me out.
Could I have made an obsession over thinking I like this girl? Before all the confessions to my wife I never had this problem. I mean I would somethimes think she is really hot and her husband is lucky. But never did I not want to be with my wife (Might have said it in my head but didnt mean it). I do not want to be with her and have thoughts about her. i want to be friends an thats it. I want to completely respect and honor my wife. I know that she is not like super skinny and super fit like the other girl but I dont care. I love my wife more than aything. I just made her feel so bad, insecure, and jealous by all this. I want to fix everything!
Last edited by tylerrey; 08-18-2012 at 11:54 AM.