My own list of obsessions and compulsions
I think it may be cathartic for me to list my obsessions and compulsions. I saw that someone else posted theirs and I think it may be helpful for me to do the same.
1. I fear something terrible is going to happen to my dogs. I'm over-protective of them to the point of being neurotic. Sometimes I sit and visualize horrific things with so much detail, like one of them getting hit by a car. I actually picture it happening to the utmost detail, the look on their face, the sounds of pain, the aftermath. I suffer terribly when I think of these things, but sometimes I can't stop the thoughts. I also worry that every little thing that doesn't seem "right" means they have a deadly disease. I worry that someone will steal them out of the backyard or they will get out somehow, or someone will try to poison them because they bark a lot.
2. I compulsively read stories of abuse and neglect of animals. I am involved in dog rescue, so I'm subscribed to several rescue FB pages and organization emails. I see a story with a headline that is sad and I have to read it. Then I obsess over it all day and often cry about it. I cry over dogs I don't know and get overwhelmingly sad when I hear about a dog dying, even it was old and lived a happy life.
3. I am overwhelmingly freaked out and sad over growing older, looking older, being older and my own mortality. I have always looked extremely young for my age and dress and pretty much act a lot younger than I am, but I feel like I've aged 10 years in the past few months. I see wrinkles and oldness and I hate seeing myself in pictures and in the mirror sometimes. Sometimes I feel like my life is over...I no longer feel beautiful and young for my age. I try every cream and serum on the market and I feel like every day I look more and more like a stressed out old lady. I also feel like I'm going to die soon. Heart disease runs in my family...and please don't chastise me, I know it's bad, but I'm a smoker. I eat very well, I'm thin, I don't drink or do drugs and I'm fairly active, but every day I expect "the big one." I worry about what's going to happen to my dogs if I die. I worry that the one dog I have that is super attached to me will look for me every day when I'm gone and never be able to stop. I think about the fact that it feels like my youth and my "pretty days" are over and my boyfriend is going to want someone younger (he's younger than me) and that I'm laughable because I still dress youthful (not in a tacky way or an outlandish way, just youthful). Sometimes I feel like there's no use in pursuing new dreams, goals, jobs because my life is over. I know it's crazy, but I can't help it.
3. I often take things personally that I shouldn't and worry about them to excess.
4. Here's a real crazy one: I cry over road-kill. I think about the animal being alive, scurrying across to road to feed her babies or something and bam, hit by a car...dead. Are her babies waiting for her? Did she feel pain? I get very sad and think about it too much. That one makes me feel like I'm a real loon.
5. I picture myself getting hurt or killed in various ways...in morbid detail.
6. I'm suspicious of most people.
7. I have a hard time learning new things sometimes. I have a voice in my head that seems to block me and it actually feels like a learning disability. Then I hate myself for not being able to learn it or excel in it like others. Logically I know that I am very intelligent and have an I.Q. that is well above average, but sometimes I feel like I really do have a learning issue.
8. I obsess about bf's exes.
9. There are other things, but this is about enough!!
1. Counting: Counting phrases I see on my fingers and they have to end up at my pinky or I start over until they do.
2. Check burners and oven over and over, even if I haven't used them that day.
3. Check windows repeatedly. Check doors. Leave the house and come back to check doors again.
4. Check that my lights are off and car doors are locked repeatedly.
5. Even if I've just used the bathroom, I almost always keep running back to the bathroom because I feel "like I still have to pee." I get out of bed a few times a night some nights.
6. If I have something planned, I worry excessively about the details and often wind up cancelling it.
After typing and reading this list (and trust me, there's more), I sound like a bonafide lunatic! The thing is, to most people I appear to be happy, well-adjusted, social, funny and confident. Oh, if only they knew. Makes me wonder how many other suffer from this. Probably even some people I know.
What works? I sure could use some time off from anxiety. P.S.: I don't have insurance, I'm a contract worker...so therapy and meds are out for right now.
Thanks for "listening."