i have a serious problem in my mind. every single day during the day and during night i feel terrified of everything in life. my mind tells me my life is horrible and i cant stop this feeling & thought. i have panic attacks and hyperventilation and i am obsessing over feeling stressed, i literally want to kick myself knock out to a sleep of months because i am scared to death. I don't know it anymore.
All my obsessions/worries:
*Everynight when I try to catch some sleep, I stay awake until 3 am or later because one of my fears is to dont sleep anymore and that my body will die. because if you dont sleep your brain will die. its my main fear, death and i cant stop worrying about it. i go to bed at 11PM now every night (at least try to) and want to catch sleep as much as possible. i even deorganised my room, i drink excessevely herbal tea and i take at least 2 melatonin pills and some diazepam.
I am worrying myself sick.
*I have to be at uni again soon and i feel like i cant bear it. im a loner at school and i feel miserable of going there. i feel that they can know what im thinking by my body language. im so extremely upset about my ugliness and my messed up life without friends and my self hatre, that they see how i feel and that makes me feel miserable, they must see how ridiculous i feel and am!
*i am so self concious of every moment i make, when i eat i move my mouth not much because people can see that i hate eating in front of them, i feel like a pig eating my chicken, i feel so disgusting. and i am self concious when i talk, my voice sounds like an ugly voice so i feel disgusted when i say things to others, every word i force to come out more natural but i just cant.
*i feel like this world is becoming unreal, when im at a supermarket and i hear the song 'Life ooh life' (beautiful life or something) i always think ''But hey you're singing about excistence, this is so weird'' then i think about how it is possible that i am moving my body, that i touch stuff, that people are just animals, and that its so weird when they move and that im weird, and that life is a strange but beautiful thing, i dont know why i excist so it makes me feel extremely weird when people sing about life, it makes me scared to death. life is a weird thing so i feel like i am getting ''depersonalisation'' when people sing about life, i become thinking life is just a dream or ehhh yeah, unreal?? or that things feel more fading or ''unreal'' ?
*every song makes me feel insane about my feelings. when people sing about having sex or lovers, i take it so close to my feelings, that i am getting paranoid and i feel my muscles around my mouth laughing or getting mad, i just dont want to show any emotion. its driving me insane. and when my gf holds my hand, i feel like a disgusted person like why would she find me pretty and good while im just a freak. i hate myself!!!! and when im with her parents i always make myself a fool, i look at her body down (not on purpose) so they could think i want sex all the time. then i see her mum looking at me like, uh okay. and i feel it so embarrassing that i keep thinking about her facial expression allt he time.
i told a girl i was bisexual and she looked at me like i was ridiculous. she was disgusted and we were hanging out 1st time, and now she might think i want to hook up with her, while 1 . i have a girlfriend, while 2. i just want to be friends. but when i told her i was bi, i looked like a creep i think on my face, i just tried to say after it ''But I just want to be friends thats all'' so she wont think anything weird about me!
After this post you could think im a stupid creep, a weirdow, but i aint nothing of that. I just think i am which also makes me believe im a creep. I hate myself! im a caring person, i am overly sensetive and i am very dramatic i guess.
Please! Help me?
Last edited by ms_mod; 08-21-2012 at 12:27 PM.
Reason: Replaced *** out word with a different word. Ms_Mod
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: skyrim Charmbracelet81 (08-22-2012), xSky (09-12-2012)
First of all, I don't think you are weird. I knew I had ocd before I was diagnosed, but never told anybody, because I thought they'd think I was weird. So I applaud you for being brave enough to be so straightforward with your concerns.
But I do have one question, have you actually been diagnosed with ocd? I can see you have the anxiety and perhaps the obsessions I would expect with ocd, but not the compulsions as much. I could be wrong as it is late and I am not thinking as coherently as I would if I were rested.
I would advise you to speak to a therapist, counselor, or doctor if you are not already, as it seems that your worries are interfering with your life.
Does your college have counseling services? That might be a place to start.
i hope my sleepiness has not made me sound rude, because that is not my intention.
Nope, not insane. I said that to my therapist once and she said if someone is insane they don't know they are. It's just another catastrophic, obsessive thought that you have. I have them all day long. I can understand your thoughts about humanity and existence. I can really creep myself out and have a full panic attack if I think deeply enough about it. Strange how we are the top of the "food chain" and how insignificant we are and thoughts like that, like you are having. I am curious also to see if you have been diagnosed. Just know you are not alone and your thoughts have never hurt you, they are just annoying.
I was diagnosed about 15 years ago when I was in high school. Here's my story:
When I was in sixth grade my class read 3 short articles about kids our age who had ocd. One boy was an ocd hand washer scrubbing his hands until they were raw and bleeding. I begged his therapist to please not say he was weird. I thought to myself that if I were his therapist, I would run out of there and tell him he was weird. A few years later I was noticing that I had ocd tendencies. Not the hand washing but ritualism, counting, and checking. As I realized I had ocd just like the boy in the article, I thought that I was weird and determined that I should never let anybody know that I had ocd because they would think that I'm weird. In high school I went to my guidance counselor concerning having trouble focusing in class and on my homework. My family values academic achievement highly. I also have extremely bad test anxiety. Anyway, I thought that maybe I had add. My counselor gave me 2 sheets which I was to rate on a scale how much any of them affected me. Some were clearly about add, but the list was comprehensive to cover multiple issues. I could tell that some of them were ocd related. I did not want to talk about ocd, but I'm not a liar so I rated them about medium level. She noticed them and insisted that I tell her about my obsessions and compulsions. I felt like my arm was being twisted. Then there was a conference a few days later with my guidance counselor, the school psychiatrist, my mother, and me. The school pyschiatrist said she did not think I had add but that I did have ocd. My mother said she had recently been seeing a counselor for ocd. I was aware that my mother and grandmother both have ocd, but I did not know my mother was being treated for it. In the end I have come to accept that I have ocd and am now able to talk about it. I currently take zoloft to help with some of the depression that often accompanies ocd.
I did not mean to come off as rude last night, but some of the things you wrote reminded me of borderline personality disorder. But as you are seeing a therapist, I believe I was wrong in my assessment, and I apologize.
I will be out of town for a week and will not have internet access while I am gone. I will check on this post when I return.