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Old 08-26-2012, 06:27 PM   #1
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Will this ever end? Losing Hope

I have been dealing with OCD for five years now. My obsessions have ranged from weather or not I hurt someone and didn't remember (I would constantly have to ask), weather someone hurt me and I didn't remember, to weather or not I was gay (ridiculous looking back, but at the time it was extremely scary and I had a mental breakdown from this).

Most recently, my boyfriend ended our three year relationship. I was very deeply in love with him, but we expereinced extreme stress in the last two years of our relationship, which took a toll on my mental health. We moved to two different cities in two years (for his job), and I had to look for work in both cities, and in both cities had very stressful jobs. In addition to coping with having to get adjusted to each city, I was dealing with a demanding job. This naturally flared my OCD up, and I was convinced my boyfriend was cheating on me or that he didn't love me and was lying to me. I became absolutely consumed by these thoughts. I snooped through everything he had daily, and never found anything, but I was never satisfied. I would accuse him of things and it would result in huge fights. I literally lost my mind and would throw hysterical fits. Finally, he had enough and ended it. I begged him to stay together, but he was done with it. I had to quit my job and relocate back to the city I'm from, as well as move back to my parents' house. In the past couple of weeks, I am as bad as I was four years ago (when it was the absolute worst).

I had a breakdown this morning. Then a new thought popped into my head this morning: What if I'm an alcoholic? The night before I had gone out and had a few drinks, and I woke up with a huge headache (this was in addition to not haven eaten in three days, not having slept, etc). Then it started to consume me: What if I'm an alcoholic, which means I have to stop drinking, which means people will shun me and look down on me in social settings. I'm not a huge drinker (I have a glass of wine a few times a week, mostly in social settings), but for some reason this thought absolutely disgusted me and disturbed me to the point I just lost it. All I could envision were people looking down on me and thinking I was a substance abusing crazy person for the rest of my life.

I can't deal with this anymore!! I am obsessed with my ex, what he's doing, who he's with, and if he's thinking about me. I am absolutely devastated about the breakup, and now THIS! I'm at a point where I don't want to live with anxiety anymore. It's ruining my life and making me wonder if life is even worth living anymore, because all I see is torment forever. There's no escape from this. I feel trapped and I'm reaching a point in my thinking that's really scaring me. Please help.

 
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Old 08-26-2012, 10:23 PM   #2
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Re: Will this ever end? Losing Hope

Hi Saffron, I just wanted to say that the hopelessness you will feel will indeed end but it requires patience and courage. First of all are you seeing a professional? if not I strongly encourage you to do so. Second try reading some good OCD related help books (it has helped me a lot). Don't give up I know how pitch black things can look like but you must carry on. For your intrusive thoughts just try to let them through don't fight them they are just OCD thoughts nothing else and try to label those symptoms as OCD and not your own desires.
Hope it helps
Train of thought

 
Old 08-26-2012, 11:00 PM   #3
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Re: Will this ever end? Losing Hope

Thank you so much for your reply!! I know when I get really bad episodes, I can come here and know that everyone here understands and reads without judgement- so your response means a lot and is very helpful. What OCD books do you recommend?

As far as therapy: I've seen many therapists, and while I completely value the benefits of therapy, I haven't really met one that I clicked with (and I've been to quite a few). I've only been to one that I found extremely helpful, and he refuses to see me anymore because I flaked on a few appointments. But I need to continue searching for a good one. I just started taking Prozac again, which I've taken in the past.

It just gets exhausting to have these constant battles and disturbing thoughts in your head every second of every day. I feel like I'm fighting a losing fight. It's so hard to maintain a rational line of thought when you feel like you're in a very, very dark place. I'm so worried that I'll never be able to do the things I want- which includes moving to a new city where I know no one- because I won't be able to handle the stress and I'll spiral out of control. Maybe I'm just destined to be in my home city forever, settle here and stay inside the lines. I clearly don't function well outside my comfort zone, but that's no way to live. I"m so exhausted and feel profoundly hopeless.

 
Old 09-18-2012, 08:58 AM   #4
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Re: Will this ever end? Losing Hope

Saffron,
I feel for what you are going through- a good book that is helping me right now is self compassion by Neff, Kristen. It is helping me to go through the pain of a breakup with self compassion and to understand we are only human and that I can face my fears and thoughts (obsessive) by going through them with a gentle self care for myself and that this too shall pass. Obviously it is much more but I have all kinds of fears about my life and future an it keeps me from actually living in the present and living/loving life.
.
Call the therapist you did get along with and plead with him/her that he was the only therapist that has helped you and you promise not to miss another appointment. And then don't miss. I am sure that this person has deep concern for others and will understand and help you. Besides what do you have to lose?
.
The most important thing is to take care of yourself and get the help you need. The relationship does not matter anymore bc you are more important and have to get better before even thinking about a relationship with him or anyone else until then.

 
Old 10-07-2012, 01:38 PM   #5
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Re: Will this ever end? Losing Hope

Saffron,
I battle this beast daily! I was born with OCD and I have had every compulsion/ritual you can name as well as any kind of scary intrusive obsessional thought. My OCD flared up really bad when I was a teenager.

I started completing rituals to calm down this anxiety such as; walking into my bedroom an even amount of times, flicking the light off and on, checking doors, washing my hands, writing/reading everything two times, etc. It took some time, but I was able to calm down this part of my OCD. I still do some rituals to this day. However, my OCD spiked again this summer into a dark place I never knew existed. I tried Zoloft for 2 days which triggered intrusive thoughts. I immediately stopped taking the medication. After this episode, I started obsessing over these thoughts. Once I started obsessing, I had every possible dark thought imaginable. I have a fear of death. I constantly have violent images.
I am currently on Luvox which has helped tremendously and I see a psychologist. I am working on CBT and it is really helping.
I noticed you wrote something about self harm or harming others. Do you still have these types of thoughts? What works best for me is to challenge my thoughts. I actually write them out and I write how believable they are. Then, I write "truth statements." For instance, if I have scary thought, I write, "This is my OCD talking." Writing out my thoughts really helps.

I read about your break up and I feel your pain. I am sorry by the way. I suffered from a break up this year as well and I know this is the reason for my spike in OCD. I obsessed over my break up similarly to you, but in a different way. I was more obsessed in the sense as why didn't he want to commit to me? Or why wasn't I the right one for him? So very similar. I have always obsessed in some form and I noticed the OCD obsesses on something.

I know exactly what you are going through. It can make being alone very difficult. When I am distracted, I am at my best. However, when I am alone it is very difficult. I am trying to work on this so I can get back to fantasizing about "normal" things! Keep in touch!

Last edited by Administrator; 10-21-2012 at 08:43 PM.

 
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Old 10-21-2012, 08:45 PM   #6
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Re: Will this ever end? Losing Hope

You will get to where you want to be. Just keep trying but gently. Personally, I would recommend CBT or even DBT therapy. I've done both and found the best results with that type of therapy. Ask your doctor about Anafranil (clomipramine). I have been told multiple times by different professionals that this is the most effective drug known to help relieve OCD in most people. Whether or not it is, I don't know, but I seem to be less symptomatic on it.

 
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