dermatillomania and depression
Hello...I just need to vent and want to know if anyone has had the same problems as me...I didn't know where to post this. I dont know if I have a OCD thing or an impulse issue. Information can go either way.
When I was 12, I started picking my skin. Open sores, tweezers, hiding from everyone, missing school because of my skin. This all went on for about 10 years. This is when I was at my worst, and it took me years to start seeing the damage it has done to me. I have so many scars all over my face .I've never sought treatment. I've always been too disgusted and ashamed to tell anyone.
I am 25 now, and my skin picking is at a minimum. Yes, from time to time I do pick, and it is totally subconscious. It's like I go into a different world. But, now I feel like I am able to control it, and stop before it gets any more. I am also good about letting the spot heal, instead of having an open sore for months and months.
But, now I am truely dealing with the damage I have done. I hate lookig in the mirror, i cant go outside unless I have makeup on. I can't put my bangs up, for I have a hideous scar on my forehead. I hate when the wind blows and messes up my bangs, I hate people seeing that scar mor ethan the others. I am depressed. The only thing I care about is making my hair and face look "going out-able" and i could less about what I wear. My boyfriend, of 8 years, is really getting fed up with me. He's sick of my constant crying, always tells me no one is looking at my scars. But I know people judge me.
Lately, I've gotten a lot worse. My self esteem is so low, that I have trouble with him going out without me. I'm always worried that he will cheat. I don't know why i get like this. I know he's a good guy, would do anything for me, but I can't stand him around other women...esp. those who have no scars on their faces. Every time he goes out, we always get in a fight. I WANT him to do things with other people...but every time he gets home, i start crying, asking him what girls were there, any that he found attractive, among like 20 other questions. I KNOW I shouldn't, but I can't help but ask these questions.
And last night, after we got in a fight, he told me that he's over my ****. He doesn't want to go through this game with me anymore. He told me he doesn't know what he wants anymore, that he wants to be happy. And that crushed me, cause I know what I do isn't making him happy. I tried telling himI can't help it, but he says he doesn't understand why I get the way I do. The funny thing is, I DO trust him completely. He hasn't given me any other reason not to. But I treat him like he does. What is wrong with me?
I don't go out anymore, I exclude myself he says. He just wants to come home and not be asked about every little thing he did that night while I was working.
I fear my relationship might be falling out from me, and that scares me. Because he is the love of my life. I just don't know what to do.
Has my dermatillomania manifested itself into this? Have I traded picking my skin for obsessing over my boyfriend?
Thank you for letting my vent...