Join Date: Aug 2012
OCD - Unwillingly losing my identity, to protect him
Just after a little bit or advice here, I'm so lost. I'm gay and have been with my boyfriend for just under a year. We both absolutely love eachother to peices, he has his own problems and I do to, who doesnt!? We both understand eachother so well... and we've not argued one time in our time together, we've had debates... so so often, but we're so deep in the way we are. We've never gone to bed on an argument and when something is upsetting one, it tears the other apart to.
I'm an OCD sufferer, and have been for most of my life. I'm 18. The main thing which seems to be affecting us most right now is the way I am, the way I act, trying to secure him.
I'm a catastrophic thinker. When he leaves me the first thing I think of is that he's going to crash and die, and before I've even had time to sit down, I'm planning his funeral. I'm torn apart by these feelings, I so often wish he'd die in my head, that isn't me thinking, that's the LAST thing I want, yet its in my head so often. He understands this isn't me thinking, it's the liar in my head - OCD. He does so much to help me understand not only myself, but my OCD, and although he doesn't suffer himself, he seems so understand so well.
Everything I do, choices I makes, things I eat, everything, becomes decided by how I think he'd react in that situation. I feel if I'm not doing the same as him, then I'm doing wrong by him, which makes me unfaithful and thus he'll die because of the way I acted.
I know his favourite flavour crisps are Ready salted, so I cant eat anything but those when it comes to crisps, but then I feel as though I should save them for him because they're his favourite, and eating them is self-fish.
I feel as though I need him to touch things to make them 'ours'. Places we go I struggle to settle into unless I know that hes been there. When I started my new job, he stayed with me for the first night and I wanted him to stand everywhere in the workshop, so that when he'd left, I knew he'd been there. Without that, when he left, I felt so horrible and lost going into places I knew he'd never been, I felt like it wasn't home, like he was at danger.
He just wants me to be Craig, the boy he fell in love with, but it's so hard to do that.
There's two decisions -
Make Craigs choice - And struggle with extreme anxiety for every second after, not enjoying the choice and scenario to follow
Make Simons choice - Anxiety gone, but this isn't what I wanted, at least I know he's safe.
I just need a way to break away from this. I'm currently undergoing a CBT therapy course, I had my first session on Monday. I will bring this up with my therapist, but I'm just wondering if theres any light people can shed here before I go in and explain how I feel, so I have a greater understanding.
I know so much that I love this boy to bits, he is my entire life. I want to be the same back, I want to be his passion, the reason he wakes up in the morning, but I know that when I'm not making my own choices, he will struggle with that.