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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board


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Old 09-06-2012, 06:11 AM   #1
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OCD - Unwillingly losing my identity, to protect him

Hi all,

Just after a little bit or advice here, I'm so lost. I'm gay and have been with my boyfriend for just under a year. We both absolutely love eachother to peices, he has his own problems and I do to, who doesnt!? We both understand eachother so well... and we've not argued one time in our time together, we've had debates... so so often, but we're so deep in the way we are. We've never gone to bed on an argument and when something is upsetting one, it tears the other apart to.

I'm an OCD sufferer, and have been for most of my life. I'm 18. The main thing which seems to be affecting us most right now is the way I am, the way I act, trying to secure him.

I'm a catastrophic thinker. When he leaves me the first thing I think of is that he's going to crash and die, and before I've even had time to sit down, I'm planning his funeral. I'm torn apart by these feelings, I so often wish he'd die in my head, that isn't me thinking, that's the LAST thing I want, yet its in my head so often. He understands this isn't me thinking, it's the liar in my head - OCD. He does so much to help me understand not only myself, but my OCD, and although he doesn't suffer himself, he seems so understand so well.

Everything I do, choices I makes, things I eat, everything, becomes decided by how I think he'd react in that situation. I feel if I'm not doing the same as him, then I'm doing wrong by him, which makes me unfaithful and thus he'll die because of the way I acted.

I know his favourite flavour crisps are Ready salted, so I cant eat anything but those when it comes to crisps, but then I feel as though I should save them for him because they're his favourite, and eating them is self-fish.

I feel as though I need him to touch things to make them 'ours'. Places we go I struggle to settle into unless I know that hes been there. When I started my new job, he stayed with me for the first night and I wanted him to stand everywhere in the workshop, so that when he'd left, I knew he'd been there. Without that, when he left, I felt so horrible and lost going into places I knew he'd never been, I felt like it wasn't home, like he was at danger.

He just wants me to be Craig, the boy he fell in love with, but it's so hard to do that.

There's two decisions -

Make Craigs choice - And struggle with extreme anxiety for every second after, not enjoying the choice and scenario to follow

Make Simons choice - Anxiety gone, but this isn't what I wanted, at least I know he's safe.

I just need a way to break away from this. I'm currently undergoing a CBT therapy course, I had my first session on Monday. I will bring this up with my therapist, but I'm just wondering if theres any light people can shed here before I go in and explain how I feel, so I have a greater understanding.

I know so much that I love this boy to bits, he is my entire life. I want to be the same back, I want to be his passion, the reason he wakes up in the morning, but I know that when I'm not making my own choices, he will struggle with that.

Thank you!

 
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Old 09-06-2012, 11:52 PM   #2
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Re: OCD - Unwillingly losing my identity, to protect him

Hello Craig, and welcome...

You speak/write so eloquently about your struggles with OCD, it is like you have painted a picture full of color and details about your understanding of this condition and it's affect on you and your relationship. I think you describe yourself very well.

It is clear that the OCD does take over your choices, and acts on its own will. It must be so frustrating and hard to live with. Like having another person in the relationship with you two.

I am glad to hear you are going to start therapy, or by now already have. With your ability to express yourself so well, I think you will benefit greatly from it.

i would love to hear more about what you learn in therapy if you would write back. Thank you,,, and best to you both

 
Old 09-09-2012, 07:20 AM   #3
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CraigJarrett HB User
Re: OCD - Unwillingly losing my identity, to protect him

Thank you very much for your reply and the best wishes, I can relate a lot to what you said.

Unfortunately last night something I could never have predicted happened, and he split up with me I've never felt so empty. He has so much going on, he lost his father under terrible circumstances a few years ago and his head is a massive mess, he feels a massive responsibility over me and the way I am doesnt allow me to act any differently or I just feel unloved and forgotten I've tried so many times to comprimise, but neither of us feel it is working anymore.

I truly feel I have lost the best thing in my life, I've lost the love of my life, I'm really going to struggle to pull out of this

 
Old 09-09-2012, 08:07 PM   #4
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Re: OCD - Unwillingly losing my identity, to protect him

Are you taking any meds for your OCD? If not then that would be a good thing to do. Ask your doctor about meds for your OCD the newer ones work very well

 
Old 09-10-2012, 01:38 PM   #5
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Re: OCD - Unwillingly losing my identity, to protect him

Craig,

So sorry to hear of your breakup. I would hope that you continue to pursue your therapy, so that you can use all the tools available to you to overcome this difficult situation. Be brave and strong, you can do it!

 
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