LadyStark

My boyfriend and I met when he was 16 and I was 15. We started off as crushes. I really didn't expect us to last that long but now eight years later we are still together, but the thing is we've had two separations in the matter of 16 months because my OCD makes me be controlling because I have the need for perfection.

Our first separation I felt like I could move on and I be happy. But we got back together and things were greater then they ever were, we got to know each other more and see how much we both grew up and changed. But 9 months ago my OCD turned to ROCD and I started questioning my feelings.

It started with "I don't love him thoughts" that haunted me and made me want to bash my head in. I thought I had a brain tumour and spent weeks looking that up before I discovered ROCD, I knew something was wrong with me for years but it wasn't bad until 9 months ago. I cried when I discovered the truth as to what was going on with me, I felt so relieved that I finally knew.

So I spent time getting to know more about OCD and all different types of it to prepare myself for any theme that might hit me. But my anxiety started to disappear and that caused new worry and I doubted I had OCD because it couldn't possibly be something that made you believe you didn't love someone.

Now my boyfriend and I have been separated by distance for some time now because he moved away with his parents to a city three hours from me when we were still in HS but we stayed strong. I didn't let it get in the way of my feelings and such and told myself it only makes me stronger and the times together better.

My ROCD made me see flaws I never had before. And made me doubt that this was the right man for me. But I didn't want to let him go, i KNEW I loved him.

Back in June, we got in a HUGE fight right before my birthday and right before he was suppose to come down. It was over a girl he was friends with, and I got controlling and threatened her if he didn't break off the friendship, that caused him to feel trapped and he ran. He changed our relationship status and for weeks ignored me. Then he deleted me and our photos but five days later came back saying he wanted to give us another go.

I was miserable when he was gone. All I could think of was him and him being with someone else. I wanted him to see we had something special.

When he came back, I was happy but my OCD made me insecure about him. We haven't said I love you to each other because we agreed to take it slow, but I been wanting to blurt it out at him and hear him say it and at the thought of him saying he doesn't love me makes me sick to my stomach.

But suddenly when I was watching him on cam play his video games, I felt bored and that he wasn't giving me the attention I thought he should and suddenly I'm questioning my feelings.

I have long since learned that love is not feelings. Real love is what you do for someone and a choice to stay during the bad times and cherish the good times. But how can I do that when my brain is telling me something else then what my heart wants?

I feel like I want this to be ROCD but because I read up on it so much it's like I'm making myself believe it even though I had all this long before I even knew it was ROCD to begin with.

I never cared that he was my first and only boyfriend. I wanted no other and I still don't.

I hate this. It upsets and confuses me.

I feel like when I smile I'm fake. I'm scared to see him when we visit each other now, what if I dont feel excited. What if i'm just desperate?

I'm scared of the uncertainty.

I've always wanted a future with this man. Whether or not we get married I don't care just as long as I can share a life with this man.

But because my brain is programmed like this I don't know anything...I fear this...someone told me once...

"We will never ever been sure of a SO's. That's not a luxary we with OCD have"

But they also said "If the relationship wasnt right we wouldn;t feel this torn apart about our thoughts..."

But he and I fight alot...well I start it because of my control issues and my OCD makes me think I should change him into something I want and I know this would be the same with ANY man I'd change so why give up this man? There is no way to EVER have my perfect man.

But am I settling?

I never thought so...

I wanna cry but I can't.

But I also can't stop worrying about the future. I think of the fun moments we could have but then I worry about what else could happen. I have no anxiety now and don't know when I'm spiking, and no reassurance makes me feel relieved anymore. So now I really think it's real. I have no reason to leave other then it doesn't real right...but that's stupid because it can't always feel right because there is no right relationship or person for someone...it's a choice...

Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice right?